Santa Claus is coming to town: RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!

So we all know the famous lyrics:

"You better watch out You better not cry 

You better not pout 

I'm telling you why 

Santa Claus is coming to town 

Santa Claus is coming to town 

Santa Claus is coming to town 

He's making a list, 

Checking it twice; 

Gonna find out who's naughty or nice. 

Santa Claus is coming to town

Santa Claus is coming to town 

Santa Claus is coming to town 

He sees you when you're sleeping 

He knows when you're awake 

He knows if you've been bad or good 

So be good for goodness sake" 

But here what you dont know, it not a silly story, or an incentive for children to behave it's a god damn threat. And I dont just mean Coal in the stocking either. I mean an actual beg for your damn life threat.

See heres the truth about Santa, He's a giant asshole. That whole "Jolly Ole Saint Nick" thing? thats some high class bullshit, put out by the insanely good lobbyists Santa hired in this country. BUT here's the truth about Saint Nicky, in most of the world he doesnt come alone. He has a whole slew of companions with him and he's basically the Godfather.

Take for example Knecht Ruprecht, or in English, Farmhand Rupert. AKA this guy:

And while you cant see it in that picture he's carrying bags of ash as well as that big stick. And every Christmas Eve he knocks on the door of every child, and asks them to do something for him, it could be sing him a song, it could be a dance, it could be pray, what have you. IF the children perform to his expectations, they get presents from Santa, YAY everyone's happy right? WRONG.

Lets say you dont measure up to Ruperts standards, well instead of a present he takes that stick and that bag of ash and BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF YOU with it. You better watch out indeed. And Santa just lets it happen....I mean after all you did fail to impress the cranky old abusive man so fuck you right?

And see here's the thing, Rupert isnt Santa's only friend. He's also friends with this lovely fellow (and I dont mean the poor child on the toy horse):

Thats Krampus. He's a Demon. Just think about that for a second. Santa Claus' buddy is a honest to god devil! And you see those sticks in his hand? Want to take a wild guess what those are used for? 

Yep....more child abuse. Seriously who the fuck thought it was a good idea to let Santa near our children? I'm just saying......

Oh but Krampus doesnt stop there. See unlike Rupert he doesnt beat you cause you didnt impress him, he just smacks anyone in his way. His job is actually to handle the bad children. Think of him as the Anti-Claus so to speak. Like you know how Santa shows up, and takes something out of his sack and leaves it as a gift for the good children? Well Krampus here takes the bad children STUFF'S THEM IN HIS SACK and leaves!

Yea thats right, Kidnapping.  Or as the song puts it "He knows if you've been bad or good, So be good for goodness sake". By the way, anyone want to take a wild guess as to where Santa's elfs come from? As far as I know its not confirmed yet, but you gotta do something with those kidnapped children, and really once you've done child abuse and child abduction, child labor isnt that much of a stretch....and it would explain why elf's are usually kid size.......

Now as you might remember I did say before that Santa was kinda the Godfather, but its not just because he has henchmen to do his child beating for him. See any good Mafia Don doesnt just show up and kick your ass....they send you a warning. And thats where this guy comes in:

That homeless looking dude is Belsnickel. He's basically Santa's messenger. See he shows up at the houses of naughty children a few weeks before Christmas and basically warns them to behave.....and then of course takes that whip and beats the shit out of them (seriously is anyone else noticing a pattern here?). The good news for the kids though is that IF they take the lesson of the beating and shape up they can avoid further beatings and maybe even get a present.

Oh and by the way, this guy actually HAS found his way into out country (seriously can we PLEASE increase border security, finish the damn fence or something) as he's been seen in many parts of Amish country. So yea, the child beaters even got to this country....you just dont hear anything about it because the Amish dont use twitter.......

So basically Belsnickel is probably the guy who was singing the song in the first place....I mean it is the verbal  threat to compliment his beatings.

But if you note, both of those two old men, and the demon, and Santa himself already know who gets beaten by the time they show up. And that is due to the elves who spy on children by looking down the chimney all year (which is how "He sees you when you're sleeping  and He knows when you're awake ") and are basically controlled by Santa's final helper a man by the name of Zwarte Piet. Piet is also the guy who leaves the infamous coal in your stocking, presumably for the kids who wernt good enough to get presents but not bad enough to be kidnapped by Krampus. 

Oh yea, there is probably something I should tell you about Zwarte Piet, he is Santa's personal SLAVE!

Which actually isnt that shocking.....given this is the same evil jackass who surrounds himself with child beaters and kidnappers. BUT heres the thing, the fact that Zwarte Piet is Santa's slave, isnt the worse part.

In English his name means "Black Peter" and it's meant literally....see he looks like this:

Yea, thats right, Santa keeps a black man as his slave......*face palm*

So yea just remember next time you hear the song "Santa Claus is coming to town" RUN LIKE HELL....or else your gonna get your ass beat.


(by the way, in case anyone wants to know. YES those are all real companions of Santa's from various European countries, and they do ALL exist today (as do several others who fill similar roles historically). However their roles and history's (especially in the case of Black Peter) have been changed, and they have all been made much more "child friendly". But the descriptions I gave are, broadly speaking, accurate as far as their original roles go. Except for the kidnapped kids becoming elf's I have no idea what actually happened to them but that seemed like a funny and logical conclusion. I also actually meant to do this on the 5th or 6th, those being the traditional feast days (depending on county) for St. Nicholas, which was basically Christmas back in the day, but I got side tracked. So yea hopefully this is close enough.)