Hey Woman get your ass in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

So two weeks ago FOX news published an op-ed called the war on men. See it turns out the death of traditional marriage basically can be blamed on feminism going to war to men. After all "Women aren’t women anymore." says the article.

"In a nutshell, women are angry. They’re also defensive, though often unknowingly. That’s because they’ve been raised to think of men as the enemy. Armed with this new attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs."

You know the things you silly girls mistakenly thought were rightfully yours, like a Job, or the ability to make equal pay, or the ability to leave the house. Foolish female, those were never yours. No see your separate but equal pedestal is in the living room (see that way when your standing on it you can dust the top of the bookshelf, naturally).

So what should you do to get your pedestal back? well first dont be a slut. Keep your legs closed.

"It’s all so unfortunate – for women, not men. Feminism serves men very well: they can have sex at hello and even live with their girlfriends with no responsibilities whatsoever. It’s the women who lose. Not only are they saddled with the consequences of sex, by dismissing male nature they’re forever seeking a balanced life. The fact is, women need men’s linear career goals – they need men to pick up the slack at the office – in order to live the balanced life they seek."

And hell of COURSE you should bear the consequences of sex. Contraception just encourages you to be slutty. But the more important point here, seems to be you need to stop trying to lead a balanced life and instead let me and my testicles handle the hard work at the office. You can make dinner.

Seriously though how do you fix imbalance and stop being so angry so you can land a "real man" and get married? easy enough "Fortunately, there is good news: women have the power to turn everything around. All they have to do is surrender to their nature – their femininity – and let men surrender to theirs".

Now here's the problem of course, assuming your the type of real woman this article was aimed it, it's actually not that helpful, other then quitting your job so I can do it, and keeping your legs closed till I put a ring on it, there isnt much help in the article to help you get a man and be happy cause you got one. Well fear not. See today FOX news published a follow up article explaining exactly how to surrender.

"You begin by accepting that men and women are different. Equal, but different."

Dont worry, Equal but DIFFERENT is a totally different policy then Separate but equal was in the south. I'm sure your allowed to use the same water fountains.....well unless they are in an office building.

"Here’s what we know: Females, in general, are nurturing and relational beings. They like to gather and nest and take care of people. They like to commiserate with other females – a lot. That’s why girls can talk for hours on end. It’s why more women stay home with their children than men. It’s why the teaching and caregiving professions are still heavily female."

Unlike men. we just like to hit things and fuck. And when we are forced to communicate we do it in grunt. Right Tim "the toolman" Taylor?.  (its also why we like blowjobs......its about the only way we get y'all to shut up for 20 minutes or so, given just how much you talk for hours on end)

And I'm glad this article finally told the truth about why teaching and caregiving fields are heavily female. Evil History Feminists will tell you its because of labor discrimination and only traditionally allowing you to work to specific fields. But as this article reveals its just that your separate but equal equal but different from Men and that is the only appropriate place outside the kitchen and bedroom for you.

And whats the roll for us men? Well "Males, on the other hand – in general – are loners. They’re content to mill about in their man caves. They like to hunt. They like to build things and kill things."

In other words "Hulk Smash". And thats actually kinda true, thats why we need you women folk to take care of us....we are really simple creatures. 

Now I know what some of you misguided and foolish females are thinking "Gone are the days of the breadwinning husband and the homemaking wife, right? So if I’m not referring to Ward and June Cleaver, what on earth do I mean? As Lia asked, what does it mean for “today’s world”?

It means women shouldn’t let their success in the workplace become the biggest thing in their lives.

If the ultimate goal is lasting love, women are going to have to become comfortable with sacrifice and capitulation".
See its easy, quit your job.....or at least make it secondary to taking care of your man and all those children your going to have with birth control (again we cant risk you being a SLUT and actually likeing sex) and then follow these simple rules:

Rule one: "Give up, your wrong I'm right"
Rule two: If I'm wrong, see rule one.

Actually to be fair, there is a bit more too it then that, as the article states:

"Love today has become a power struggle, largely because women have been conditioned to keep their guard up – as though men and marriage will swallow them whole. As Sandra Bullock once said to Barbara Walters, “I’d always had this feeling that if you got married, it was like the end of who you were.” That attitude is commonplace, and it’s the direct result of a generation of feminists who told their daughters never to depend on a man."

See thats mistake one, ALWAYS assume you cant do it and need a man to do it. Trust me you'll feel better.

"We live in a new world. But that doesn’t mean it’s a better world. Women are struggling more than ever with how to rectify their desire for independence with their desire for love. These two things can be reconciled. But you must first be open to ideas that sound blasphemous.

Just because you make your own money doesn’t mean your guy can’t pay the bill. Just because you value independence doesn’t mean you can’t take your husband’s last name. Just because you can do the same job a man can do doesn’t mean you need to let him know it."

See, just accept that Only certain jobs are open to you, accept your identity and Mrs. [ INSERT NAME OF MALE HERE] and that your just an extension of said male, and things will be easier. 

Also on dates, let us pay for EVERYTHING, its fine, really. we dont expect you to be earning money anyways. So we dont expect you to pay for a thing.

So to sum up, I turn once again to the article: "Surrendering to your femininity means many things. It means letting your man be the man despite the fact that you’ve proved you’re his equal. It means recognizing the fact that you may very well want to stay home with your babies – and that that’s normal. It means if you do work outside the home, you don’t use your work to play tit-for-tat in your marriage. It means tapping into that part of yourself that’s genuinely vulnerable and really does need a man – even though the culture says you don’t."

So yea to my female readers I hope you found this a valuable lesson in how to land a real catch for yourself. And by the way, I'm single. Just putting it out there in case you want a man who will treat you like a REAL woman. And as those articles point out, its not that bad.

Of course I do realize sadly, that many of my female readers wont actually be able to read this. After all it is near 6 o'clock, and I'm sure all the good girls are in the kitchen slaving to get dinner on the table for their men. And if your not, please ignore the preceding paragraph, your totally NOT marriage material.

And by the way. if you disagree with anything I've said, please leave me a comment and let me know. Unless your a woman cause thats totally NOT your place.

(And for those who care the FOX news articles 1st one "war on men" and the 2nd "calling a truce" )