In West Virginia, a Rose by every other name is TOTALLY FLAMING GAY!!!!!

Best known for its lovey scenery, and family friendly atmosphere, by which I mean literally everyone who lives there is family, and awesome river rapids, this state long cornered the market on wild and wonderful. And now in addition to the hillbillies that have already given the state such a sterling reputation and not at all insulting stereotypes, they are adding a whole new class of people. Homophobes.

That's right I believe we can now consider West Virginia the most homophobic state in the country. What evidence do I have? One Mrs. Cynthia Landis who cant get a WVA drivers license in that name.

Now note I said in that name. The problem is not that Mrs. Landis cant drive, or cant pass the test or what have you. The problem is totally the name. See the State of West Virginia will totally and happily issue her a license under the name Cynthia Hatton, which had been her name she took during her first marriage, and not Landis, the name she took after her second marriage. 

Because you see the second time around, Cynthia married Melissa Landis. And there in lies the homophobia. 

Now I should point out Cynthia's Marriage License and Social Secuirty card gives her name as Landis. As does her current and valid Virginia drivers license.....and lets be honest Virginia is not the most gay friendly state the same way I'm not the star of my high school basketball team (I was the manager). The thing is under WVA law if you live there you MUST get a WVA license......and apparently they get to pick your name. 

Now see the excuse by the state of WVA is that they are legally prohibited from recognizing any document related to gay marriage  Because Gay people have cooties and it only transmits via acknowledgment of marriage. Kinda like the cooties girls have only transmit during kisses on the playground......(they do have cooties right?).

And actually you know what, the logic there in WVA makes perfect sense. I mean think about who changes their name EXCEPT to get married? right Leslie Lynch King, Jr, Spiro Theodore Anagnostopoulos and William Jefferson Blythe?

Whats that? you dont know who I'm talking about? WELL READ A DAMN BOOK! I mean how do you forget President Leslie Lynch King Jr., who became President and Vice President without getting elected. Or William Jefferson Blythe III, who became only the second President in history to be impeached. Not to mention how famous his wife is. Or for that matter the man who made the US piss their collective pants for decades Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvilli

What you still dont know those people? ok fine lets try this again:

I mean how do you forget President Gerald Rudolph Ford Jr., who became President and Vice President without getting elected.  Or William Jefferson Clinton, who became only the second President in history to be impeached. Not to mention how famous his wife is. Or for that matter the man who made the US piss their collective pants for decades Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin.

Yea thats right, all 3 of those guys (and a whole host of others that I didnt use because you could have guessed them, like Hiram Ulysses Grant (later Ulysses Simpson Grant) and Newton Leroy McPherson (later Newton Leroy Gingrich) and Cassius Marcellus Clay, Jr (later Muhammad Ali) all changed their names at some point in life.

And now thanks to the state of West Virginia we know why. THEY ALL GOT MARRIED TO DUDES AND WERE GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY.

Cause again marriage is the only possible reason to change your name.

By the same token it turns out that US senator Sherrod Brown and journalist Connie Schultz are living in sin, as are Assistant Secretary of State James Rubin and journalist Christiane Amanpour. Heck so are two of my cousin's. And it turns out Arnold Schwarzenegger NEVER cheated on his wife.....because he didnt have one. Maria Shriver was just his long term live in girlfriend.

None of them were married.....even the ones who had children. Thanks to the state of WVA we know the truth, since the women involved didnt take their husbands names. And we all know that logically changing your name is the only acceptable proof of marriage (marriage license? we dont need no stinking marriage license). And your not married until you do. SO THERE, suck it people living in sin.

Oh by the way, you notice what other institution West Virginia apparently doesnt believe it? Divorce. Again going back to Cynthia Landis, notice the offer from West Virginia. They would allow her to get a license as Cynthia Hatton, Hatton being the name of her EX husband.

Or actually I suppose her Husband. After all by the rules of name changing in West Virginia, your only married if you take your spouses name and that is the only reason you would change your name. So therefore it follows that your married for as long as you keep your spouses name. The divorce isnt finalized until your name reverts to your maiden name. So yea, ladies until you change your names back to your maiden names your basically just sluts cheating on your husbands with new men.....even if you filled out the fancy paperwork claiming your divorced....its wrong, and your a whore.

So yea to sum up, the new West Virginia motto is no longer  "Montani Semper Liberi" (Mountaineers Are Always Free) its now Montani Semper Liberi......unless we dont like their names in which case FUCK YOU" (i'd put it in latin, but by latin sucks....although my guess is most of my friends reading this will actually be able to translate it on their own....)

Also the new state song:

Almost heaven (because we dont have queers), West Virginia 

Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River (and NO GAYS)

Life is old there, older than the trees 

Younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze 

Country roads, take me home 

To the place I belong (unless your gay in which case GET THE FUCK OUT)

West Virginia, Mountain Mama (and married we are sure to some other natural force)

Take me home, country roads 

All my memories, gathered 'round her (and I dont remember queers)

Miners' Lady, stranger to blue water (and gays)

Dark and dusty, painted on the sky 

Misty taste of moonshine, teardrop in my eye (because my brother wont talk to me...he's gay)

Country roads, take me home 

To the place I belong (which is outside WVA for fags)

West Virginia, Mountain Mama

Take me home (which aint in this state gay boy), country roads 

I hear her voice, in the morning hour she calls me (because I'm a dude so its totally fine to hear "her" in the morning, but shes a slut for sleeping over)

The radio reminds me of my home far away 

And drivin' down the road I get the feeling 

That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday (by which we mean we think time stopped yesterday/1900)

Country roads, take me home 

To the place I belong (except for queers)

West Virginia, Mountain Mama 

Take me home, country roads (roads not usable by homos)

Country roads, take me home 

To the place I belong (with other like minded bigots) 

West Virginia, Mountain Mama 

Take me home, country roads (and please dont come back)