First up, Republican Rep. Mark Sanford, most well known for discovering the Appalachian trail ran through Argentina and his mistresses vagina, is at it again. This time he's saying “The government didn’t shut down,”.
Hmm then I wonder why everyone who worked for the government got an unplanned vacation last october? maybe some context will add some light on this
“I mean everyone likes to describe it as such. The president in some cases shut down parts of government that were most visible to people. People were still getting their Social Security checks. They’re still enacting, enrolled in Medicare. I mean, I could go through a lot of different functions of government. You know, we had planes that were flying on a nightly basis, you know, using pieces of sort of our national infrastructure grid. So a lot of things were happening.”
Ok, credit to Sanford, he is right, all that shit did keep happening. Now granted not because the president chose not to shut them down, but because they arnt actually part of the budget.
Hang on, I have to give my republican readers a second to absorb that, they are so used to the lie that Medicare and Social Security are the biggest problems with the budget, they probably didnt know they arnt in the yearly budget. Clearly nether did Rep Sanford.
And see a shutdown is when the budget doesnt get passed. Hence how thats possible.
Also side note, Article 1 Section 8, actually gives control of federal funding to the House of Representatives. Meaning the president has no say on what does or doesnt get funded.
So yea basically Sanford just showed he actually doesnt understand his own job, the consequences of his actions/votes, or even how the government he is part of works.....thats awkard.
Next up, we continue our denial of reality theme with conservative talk show host Michael Medved who is claiming that ""There has never been a state in this country that has ever banned gay marriage," and that any claim they have is a "Liberal lie"
Congradulations gay folks you can get married in all 50 states. Turns out things like:
"Marriage may take place and may be valid under the laws of this state only between a man and a woman. A marriage in another state or foreign jurisdiction between persons of the same gender, regardless of when the marriage took place, may not be recognized in this state and is void and unenforceable under the laws of this state" (mississippi)
"The historical institution and legal contract solemnizing the relationship of one man and one woman shall be the only legally recognized marital contract in this state. Any policy or law or judicial interpretation, purporting to define marriage as anything other than the historical institution and legal contract between one man and one woman is contrary to the public policy of this state and shall be void and unenforceable in Tennessee. If another state or foreign jurisdiction issues a license for persons to marry and if such marriage is prohibited in this state by the provisions of this section, then the marriage shall be void and unenforceable in this state."
"Only a union between one man and one woman may be a marriage valid in or recognized by this state and its political subdivisions. This state and its political subdivisions shall not create or recognize a legal status for relationships of unmarried individuals that intends to approximate the design, qualities, significance or effect of marriage" (Ohio)
"Only a marriage between one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in this state." (Montana)
"It is the policy of Oregon, and its political subdivisions, that only a marriage between one man and one woman shall be valid or legally recognized as a marriage."
and about 24 other examples are all figments of your overactive imaginations, and not actually part of state Constitution. So yea, gay people, stop falling for the liberal lies and go eat drink and get married. We promise EVERYONE will be cool with it. Idiot.......
Speaking of gay marriage and idiots, next up we have Doctor Ben Carson who recently said the following to justify his homophobia:
"As you know, I am not a fan of political correctness, I still believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. Of course gay people should have the same rights as everyone else, but they don't get extra rights, They don't get to redefine marriage."
So lets see if I follow this correctly. Gay people should get all the rights of straight people. Straight People have the right to marry the person they love (or hell just for the tax break). Which means Gay People should have that same right. Except for gay people getting the same right is actually an extra right. Because Gay people shouldnt have the rights as straight people. Which is why we wont let them get married. But we do want to give them all the same rights as straight people. Straight people have the right to marry the person they love (or hell just for the tax break). Which means....
OUCH, I think my brain just had an aneurysm trying to get out of that logic loop. Is their a brain surgeon in the house?............OH! Wait I get it now. Dr. Carson, renowned brain surgeon is just trying to create more business by making your brain explode with bad logic. I guess thats a decent business model....
Next up, we actually rejoin reality, perhaps a bit too real.
Kansas Senator Pat Roberts was interviewed about his upcoming primary and said this:
"I've always had the privilege, or something, of representing the Kansas Republican Party over troubled waters, from moderates to regular Republicans or whatever you want to call it, to those folks who play pretty close to the right field line."
Ok, on the one hand, given the amount of crazy shit coming out of Kansas these days, its hard to argue that being associated with Kansas isnt exactly a privilege. But admitting that out loud AS someone who represents Kansas? thats just failing politics 101 dude. I mean damn, how dumb do you have to be to not know not to insult your own job and the people who gave it too you?
And next on our detour through reality, the part that should be of utmost importance to the women reading this blog, Virginia Republican Steve Martin (not the comedian) who accidentally let slip via facebook post what he really thinks of you saying that:
"once a child does exist in your womb, I'm not going to assume a right to kill it just because the child's host (some refer to them as mothers) doesn't want it."
So yea, turns out if your pregnant, your no longer a person, you've just become a host body for the actual living lifeform.
By the way, the only lifeform I know of that needs a host is a parasite. So yea, kinda fail on this one all around.
The Fetus is a parasite, and the mother is just an unimportant host body.
Now to be fair, Rep Martin did try to backtrack in hurry.....by which I mean cover it up. See if you read his facebook post NOW is says
"I'm not going to assume a right to kill it just because the bearer of the child (some refer to them as mothers) doesn't want it to remain alive."
So the good news is, your fetus is no longer a parasite. The bad news is, you as the mother still dont matter, your still just the object to hold the real lifeform.
Oh and the worse news for Rep Martin, turns out if click the word "edited" next to the date of his post, you can still see the original version
Anyways with our detour back to reality complete, we return to the regularly scheduled republican reality detachment, with our good friend Donald Trump, who was giving a speech at the beginning of march and mentioned the "late, great Jimmy Carter".
No you didnt miss the obituary, turns out Jimmy Carter isnt dead, kinda like that thing on Donald Trumps head that he claims is hair.
Next up:
By which I'm referring to Former Speaker of the House Tom "The Hammer" Delay who was interviewed recently and said the thing americans have forgotten is "that God created this nation [and] that He wrote the Constitution, that it's based on biblical principles."
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| Accurate picture of God. Author of the Constitution, 4th president of the United States Also co-founder of the Democratic Party. |
Here's the thing though, God appears to have failed on at least one of Delay's criteria. Biblical principals.
1st commandement: (per the vatican)
I am the LORD your God: you shall not have strange Gods before me.
2nd Commandment:
You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
3rd Commandment:
Remember to keep holy the LORD'S Day.
1st Amendment: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.
Ok so God clearly changed his mind between writing the bible and the Constitution. In fact he's outright reversing himself. But hey thats only 1/3rd of biblical principals not mentioned in the Constitution, I'm sure the other 2/3rd's will do better.
4th Commandment:
Honor your father and your mother
5th Commandment:
You shall not kill.
6th Commandment:
You shall not commit adultery
7th Commandment:
You shall not steal.
9th Commandment:
You shall not covet your neighbor's wife.
10th Commandment:
You shall not covet your neighbor's goods.
ok so, I tried to to find a counter point for these 6 like I did the first 3 in the Constitution. I couldnt do it, because the Constitution says exactly nothing about any of those. Now yes US law prohibits 2 of them (5 and 7) but the other 4 are totally legal, and possibly in the case of the 10th encouraged (I mean that IS the point of advertising).
So again, it would seem God has changed his mind on 7 of the commandments, and didnt consider 2 more important enough to actually put in the Constitution that He wrote, and instead left it to moral man to do that.
Now, eagle eyed readers may have noticed I *did* skip a commandment, namely the 8th:
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
And that's because I do believe in giving credit where credit is due, that one is actually in the Constitution, in the confrontation clause and notice portions of the 6th amendment.
So I guess there is 1 thing God didnt change his mind on in the 1787 years between authoring the Holy Scripture and Holy Constitution......
Finally our winner this month: State Senator from Arizona Al Melvin, who is also the front runner to be the states next republican candidate for governor.
In a debate on the statehouse floor Melvin voiced an objection to the state accepting the Common Core education standards. He was then asked by fellow Senator David Bradley to explain what part of the standards he finds objectionable.
Melvin replied that "the program uses “fuzzy math,” substituting letters for numbers in some examples."
Shockingly, Senator Bradley, showing more control then I could in his position, did not reply "Thats called algebra you dumb son of a bitch"
Now the good news for Senator Melvin is that, even without knowing algebra, he could still compete and win at this game show:
See luckily for Rep Melvin, Algebra is taught in 8th grade (or 7th in some places). Which means he's only even going to be in trouble if this Nook App is ever converted to a TV show....
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| an image of the linked to app |
On the upside, should Senator Melvin ever actually become governor, Arizona is going to have the GREATEST state song of them all
So, Senator Melvin, congratulations on, what I assume is the one and only award you've ever won recognizing your intellectual abilities as you are now officially the stupidest person of the Month (and should I ever do a "this year in stupid" your a strong contender to come back and win that too).
