And we are off to the [republican] races.......(part 1)

So for those of you who may not be paying much attention, there are a fair number of republicans following in Ted Cruz's wake now running for president. In fact there are almost as many republicans running for president as Baskin Robbins has ice cream flavors.

Now on the one hand this would seem like a welcome change from the Democratic Race, which currently features "President Elect" Hilary Clinton, an actual Socialist Bernie Sanders, and bland white dudes #1 #2 and #3.  

Problem is, of course, most of the republicans candidates are lobster or Viagra flavored ice cream (and yes, thats a real flavor), in that no one actually wants them, and they tend to be kinda weird and no one is actually sure why they exist in the first place.

So with that in mind, we are going to survey the mediocrity and stupidity of the GOP field to lose the presidency in 2016  Now before we begin a quick note. A couple of names wont be appearing in this blog, namely Ted Cruz and Rand Paul. But thats not because they are the most qualified (they arnt) or arnt stupid, its because I gave Ted Cruz his out takedown when he declared, and one of the points I've been making in this blog for years is that Rand Paul does not actually understand his own positions on the issues. So at this point, mentioning them in this would just be redundant. If you must see why they are basically joke candidates I would suggest this, this, this, and this (or even this, for why Rand Paul isnt actually trying to win) if you want that information.

So with that disclaimer out of the way, lets get this Circus started right.

Now in my take down of Ted Cruz, I mentioned that he would be the benchmark for how much of a joke the GOP field would be this time around, the idea being the more attention he got, the more of a joke the field would be, where as if serious candidates got in he wouldnt get as much attention.

Now at first this seems like good news for the GOP, because he's really getting no attention these days, but when picking a historical analog to make that point I happened to mention Rick Santorum, the last cycles joke candidate who happened to come in second.

Well it turns out that while Cruz isnt getting any attention Santourm is....because he is actually running again.  (by the way for those who need a reminder as to why Rick Santorum is a joke....go here)

Now I have to hand it Santorum, who after annoying the shit out of liberals, black people (or "Blah people") and gays (if you dont know yet about that one, please google "Santorum".....but only under a NSFW allowable condition) , and pro choicers, has decided to go after the one group of people he hasnt actually attacked yet......catholics. Specifically the pope.

Because you see the patron saint of fecal lube knows better than the head of the church what the catholic church needs to do. And hes actually quite mad that the Holy Father had the audacity to take a position that disagreed with the infallible ungoogleable Senator, when the pope spoke out in favor of existence of climate change and the need to do something about it.  

See according to Santorum: “The church has gotten it wrong a few times on science, and I think that we probably are better off leaving science to the scientists, I think when we get involved with controversial political and scientific theories, then I think the church is probably not as forceful and credible. And I’ve said this to the bishops many times when they get involved in agriculture policy or things like that, that are really outside the scope of what the church’s main message is.”

Now we should leave "science to the scientists"/"I am not a scientist" line has been a popular dodge for republicans for a long time now. However the reason Santorum gets special recognition for stupid is that normally republicans are smart enough not to use that defense against scientists.... scientists like Jorge Bergoglio, who would in later life change his name to Pope Francis.

Yea, Santorum just told a scientist to shut his mouth about science and the leader of his own church to shut his mouth about church beliefs because it is Santorum who really knows these things better....

Nice job Rick.

next up, we have the GOP's newest flavor of disgusting ice cream, John McCain's understudy, Senator Lindsey Graham.

Now to be honest, at first Graham is one of those people most republicans would like, given his reputation.....which is sadly based solely on his length of time in office and not his brains.

Take for example this recent comment made days before he declared his run:

"Everything that starts with 'Al' in the Middle East is bad news, Al-Qaida, Al-Nusra, Al-Qaida in the Arab Peninsula,"

Now there are a couple of problems here. First, I'm pretty sure that 1st and 3rd example are basically the EXACT SAME WORD/related organizations but one has more words attached to it. So you really only have two examples........ second and more problematic, as it turns out the word "Al" translates to "The" in English. So yea, Lindsey graham, just declared using one of the most common words ever as "proof" things are unamerican. By the way, who wants to tell Lindsey he himself is actually a resident of al-Wilāyāt al-Muttaḥidah al-Amrīkīyah? Which must the baddest and evilest country in the world, given that it uses the word "Al" 3 times........

And this isnt the only really awkward thing Graham has said in the last couple of months either, cause yea there is also this:

"If I put together a finance team that will make me financially competitive enough to stay in this thing…I may have the first all-Jewish cabinet in America because of the pro-Israel funding,"

I'm not 100% sure, but I think that was Graham trying to appeal to the Jewish vote by implying that only jews have enough money to keep him in the race, that the only people he would trust with rasing his money are jewish and that those same jews want to buy his loyalty away from the US. (and that he would actually be totally fine selling it to them too).

Yea, not sure embracing the whole nazi-esk sterotype that jews are unloyal bankers hoarding all the money is really going to get you too far.......even with the implied "personal acceptance" of the idea.


Next up Marco Rubio, the guy who is finally fulfilling his destiny to run for president in 2012......actually hang on I need to take a quick break

Sorry about that, been writing for a while, needed water.

Although now that I think about it, maybe he's not fulfilling his destiny after all, given this exchange with FOX news' Chris Wallace on if going to war with Iraq was a mistake:


Rubio: “I still say it was not a mistake because the president was presented with intelligence that said Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, It was governed by a man who had committed atrocities in the past with weapons of mass destruction.”

“Based on what we know now, I think everyone agrees…”

Wallace: “So was it a mistake now?”

Rubio: “I don’t understand the question you’re asking,”

Ok look, most people would say looking back at it Iraq was a mistake. They might disagree on if it was an accidental mistake cause by legit faulty intel or if the Bush administration knowingly lied us into war. And some people might not care either way are argue that even knowing the intel was bad, its still a good thing in hindsight we did it.

Apprently though, it seems the process of hindsight on what is unarugably the most second guessed decision of the last 30 years (and likely more than that) is a concept totally unknown to some guy who wants to run the country.  Rubio it seeems is unable to form an opinion based on current information about something that has ALREADY HAPPENED. Thats actually kinda terrifying.

Granted he's not the only one getting tripped up by the Iraq War.

Presenting the brother of man who brought us the Second Iraq war, son of the man who brought us the First one, Jeb Bush.

And well, rather than copy paste a mountain of text, I'm going to look to youtube to sum this one up for me:

Now ok it might seem like i'm making a mountain out of a slight miscommunication in which Jeb clearly didnt hear the question he was asked correctly....but as it turns out there is a second part to this.

So this is a map (from the washington post) of the people Jeb Bush has already hired to do foreign policy for him prior to making those statements:

Since it's a bit hard to see, let me help you out. 17 of the 21 people Jeb Bush has hired to run his foreign policy are the same people who are responsible for the same bad intel that led to the second war in iraq that he claims in hindsight was a mistake . Also it turns out  if you ask Jeb, there would be a 22nd name on that list,  some dude named George W. Bush.......

But yea, while normally I would believe Jeb that he didnt hear the question right.....and that it apparently took him 48 hours to realize this....it starts to strain credibility when he also hired everyone responcible for the action he totally meant to criticize if he'd heard it correctly...... 

Anyways, that wraps up Part one of the varrious flavors of republican moron running for president. Still to come in Part 2 (and likely 3, or 4 if needed) Bobby Jindal, Donald Trump (believe it or not), Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, Scott Walker, Rick Perry, Carly Fiorina, Chris Christie, John Kasich and George Pataki.

(this by the way does not include, Rick Snyder, Jim Gilmore, Bob Erlich and Peter King, who people have said would like to see them run, but who dont seem to have any interest or 9 private citizens with no political experience who have also declared as republicans.....just in case you thought I was kidding about there being almost as many Republican candidates (29) as Baskin Robbins ("31") flavors)