To celebrate this momentous mockery of a major political party, and The Donald's epic speech making skills, I hereby present, the ENTIRE announcement speech as made by The Donald. With, as usual my running commentary and critique and of course my never ending quest to shine the light on STUPID.
To be honest, given how long this damn thing is I considered only doing a condensed version.....but I realized that there was so much stupid spread throughout this thing that by condensing it I would only improve it.
Therefore we have the original, long form, unaltered speech, although due to its length I'm publishing it across two different blog posts to make it slightly more bearable to read/allow you to take a break and not forget where the hell you were.
(this is per time.com for the transcript:)
"Wow. Whoa. That is some group of people. Thousands.
So nice, thank you very much. That’s really nice. Thank you. It’s great to be at Trump Tower. It’s great to be in a wonderful city, New York. And it’s an honor to have everybody here. This is beyond anybody’s expectations. There’s been no crowd like this.
And, I can tell, some of the candidates, they went in. They didn’t know the air-conditioner didn’t work. They sweated like dogs.
They didn’t know the room was too big, because they didn’t have anybody there. How are they going to beat ISIS? I don’t think it’s gonna happen."
Dafuq? The only way I can make sense of this is that Trump is saying Trump Tower are such pieces of shit the A/C doesnt work, and the other candidates are stupid for actually expecting Trump Tower be anything other than a rat's nest.
But hey credit where it's due, bashing yourself/your brand IS a new way to start a speech.
"Our country is in serious trouble. We don’t have victories anymore. We used to have victories, but we don’t have them. When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, China in a trade deal? They kill us. I beat China all the time. All the time.
When did we beat Japan at anything? They send their cars over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a Chevrolet in Tokyo? It doesn’t exist, folks. They beat us all the time."
Alright, fair point here, I actually can't think of a time we beat Japan.
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| Oh wait....nevermind |
You know when your whole justification for running is about money and how good you are with it its kinda awkward to not know how to read an exchange rate.
See at the moment The Donald said this the exchange rate for dollars to Peso is 1 to 15.25.
In otherwords what you can buy for 1 american dollar costs 15 peso's and change.
I guess the Donald doesnt know this is like golf, you actually want the LOWER number.....
"The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems.
Thank you. It’s true, and these are the best and the finest. When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re not sending you. They’re not sending you. They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.
But I speak to border guards and they tell us what we’re getting. And it only makes common sense. It only makes common sense. They’re sending us not the right people."
Drugies, Criminals, Rapists and Good People...........you know undesirables.
"It’s coming from more than Mexico. It’s coming from all over South and Latin America, and it’s coming probably— probably— from the Middle East. But we don’t know. Because we have no protection and we have no competence, we don’t know what’s happening. And it’s got to stop and it’s got to stop fast."
Translation: South America, Middle East....its all the same place right? I mean the people are both brown.....
"Islamic terrorism is eating up large portions of the Middle East. They’ve become rich. I’m in competition with them.
They just built a hotel in Syria. Can you believe this? They built a hotel. When I have to build a hotel, I pay interest. They don’t have to pay interest, because they took the oil that, when we left Iraq, I said we should’ve taken."
wait ISIS has HOTELS? Dafuq? and is it just me or does it seem like even if that was true The Donald's biggest issue is that he needs to take out a loan (hence the interest) and ISIS doesnt?
So his problem is that there, you know, bigger in the pants pocket area? (by which I mean the Wallet, get your mind out of the gutters)
"So now ISIS has the oil, and what they don’t have, Iran has. And in 19— and I will tell you this, and I said it very strongly, years ago, I said— and I love the military, and I want to have the strongest military that we’ve ever had, and we need it more now than ever. But I said, “Don’t hit Iraq,” because you’re going to totally destabilize the Middle East. Iran is going to take over the Middle East, Iran and somebody else will get the oil, and it turned out that Iran is now taking over Iraq. Think of it. Iran is taking over Iraq, and they’re taking it over big league."
Now its a bit hard to see at first read cause he changes thoughts mid sentence, but the key take away here is that this is stuff Trump said 19 years ago. Which means he said it in 1996. You know at a time where FUCKING NO ONE was taking about a war in Iraq. So I actually have to assume he was just REALLY late to the party in giving his opinion on the first gulf war.
"We spent $2 trillion in Iraq, $2 trillion. We lost thousands of lives, thousands in Iraq. We have wounded soldiers, who I love, I love — they’re great — all over the place, thousands and thousands of wounded soldiers.
And we have nothing. We can’t even go there. We have nothing. And every time we give Iraq equipment, the first time a bullet goes off in the air, they leave it. "Last week, I read 2,300 Humvees— these are big vehicles— were left behind for the enemy. 2,000? You would say maybe two, maybe four? 2,300 sophisticated vehicles, they ran, and the enemy took them."
Wait, you cant get to Iraq?....dont tell that to Priceline, as they currently have a flight listed from BWI (Baltimore-Washington International) to Baghdad for a bit over 1600 round trip. And actually the Donald could save some money and fly from home, NYC to Baghdad comes in a bit over 1400 round trip.
"Last quarter, it was just announced our gross domestic product— a sign of strength, right? But not for us. It was below zero. Whoever heard of this? It’s never below zero."
You know, I'm starting to get the impression numbers and finances REALLY arnt The Donalds strong suit, cause he's just a little off here. And by a little off I mean off by a mere Seventeen and a half TRILLION.
You know, chump change.......
"Our labor participation rate was the worst since 1978. But think of it, GDP below zero, horrible labor participation rate."
On the one hand, he actually got this one right.
On the other hand, the Labor Participation Rate is a measure of the number of people older than 16 who are working OR want to work (even if they arnt). So yea, a low labor participation rate, means we have a lot of people who dont want to work..... So yea, you slacking high school juniors and seniors are dragging us down with your whole staying in school bullshit. Also ever heard of the Baby Boomers? you fuckers are dragging us down with that whole "retirement thing".
If only we had some kind of government run "death panel" that could be used to kill old people and bring up our Labor Participation Rate numbers.......
"And our real unemployment is anywhere from 18 to 20 percent. Don’t believe the 5.6. Don’t believe it.
That’s right. A lot of people up there can’t get jobs. They can’t get jobs, because there are no jobs, because China has our jobs and Mexico has our jobs. They all have jobs.
But the real number, the real number is anywhere from 18 to 19 and maybe even 21 percent, and nobody talks about it, because it’s a statistic that’s full of nonsense."
And you should totally believe The Donald over anyone else because he's been GREAT with numbers so far in this speech.........in fact he's so great he changed numbers pulled out of his ass between sentences and didnt even notice.
Also, pretty sure if Mexicans all had jobs, we wouldnt have that whole "illegal immigration" problem.....
"Our enemies are getting stronger and stronger by the way, and we as a country are getting weaker.
Even our nuclear arsenal doesn’t work. It came out recently they have equipment that is 30 years old. They don’t know if it worked. And I thought it was horrible when it was broadcast on television, because boy, does that send signals to Putin and all of the other people that look at us and they say,
Donald Trump seems to have this really odd form of ADD, where instead of being distracted by shiny things he can be taken totally off tangent by a chance to talk about himself....
"But Obamacare kicks in in 2016. Really big league. It is going to be amazingly destructive. Doctors are quitting. I have a friend who’s a doctor, and he said to me the other day, “Donald, I never saw anything like it. I have more accountants than I have nurses. It’s a disaster. My patients are beside themselves. They had a plan that was good. They have no plan now.”
We have to repeal Obamacare, and it can be— and— and it can be replaced with something much better for everybody. Let it be for everybody. But much better and much less expensive for people and for the government. And we can do it."
Alright, whats your plan, youve had 6 years....lets hear it...at least an outline......odd by the way that not a single republican in 6 years has been able to come up with one......
"So I’ve watched the politicians. I’ve dealt with them all my life. If you can’t make a good deal with a politician, then there’s something wrong with you. You’re certainly not very good. And that’s what we have representing us. They will never make America great again. They don’t even have a chance. They’re controlled fully— they’re controlled fully by the lobbyists, by the donors, and by the special interests, fully.
Yes, they control them. Hey, I have lobbyists. I have to tell you. I have lobbyists that can produce anything for me. They’re great. But you know what? it won’t happen. It won’t happen. Because we have to stop doing things for some people, but for this country, it’s destroying our country. We have to stop, and it has to stop now."
So hold on, if I follow this logic here: politicians are bad because they are controlled by lobbyists who dont have the best interests of the country at heart.
I control those evil lobbyists....so vote for me because I have the best interests of the country at heart more than the politicians I pay....
Yea......not the best pitch I've ever heard......
"Now, our country needs— our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a truly great leader now. We need a leader that wrote “The Art of the Deal.”
SELF PROMOTION ADD ENGAGED
"We need a leader that can bring back our jobs, can bring back our manufacturing, can bring back our military, can take care of our vets. Our vets have been abandoned.
And we also need a cheerleader."
Hmm, a cheerleader president.....wonder how that would work out?
“That is a group of people, and that is a nation that truly has no clue. They don’t know what they’re doing. They don’t know what they’re doing.”
So our nuclear arsenal is 30 years old....man that creates a real opening for Putin and his top of the line shiny brand new Soviet nuclear missiles..........oh wait.
"We have a disaster called the big lie: Obamacare. Obamacare.Yesterday, it came out that costs are going for people up 29, 39, 49, and even 55 percent, and deductibles are through the roof. You have to be hit by a tractor, literally, a tractor, to use it, because the deductibles are so high, it’s virtually useless. It’s virtually useless. It is a disaster."
Translation: This study that said it was this number, or maybe this number, or possibly this number, or maybe even this number...who knows I didnt read it I just figure the more numbers I pull out of my ass the closer I have to being right.
"And remember the $5 billion website? $5 billion we spent on a website, and to this day it doesn’t work. A $5 billion website.
I have so many websites, I have them all over the place. I hire people, they do a website. It costs me $3. $5 billion website."
You know, maybe its just me, but I have a hunch if your finding people who are making you a website for $3, you might be employing those illegal immigrants you keep bitching about......
"Well, you need somebody, because politicians are all talk, no action. Nothing’s gonna get done. They will not bring us— believe me— to the promised land. They will not.
As an example, I’ve been on the circuit making speeches, and I hear my fellow Republicans. And they’re wonderful people. I like them. They all want me to support them. They don’t know how to bring it about. They come up to my office. I’m meeting with three of them in the next week. And they don’t know— “Are you running? Are you not running? Could we have your support? What do we do? How do we do it?”
You know, call me crazy but I have a hunch your probably NOT having meeting with 3 republicans seeking your endorsements next week, not with you just announcing your competing against them and all.
Unless your considering not endorsing yourself, which would actually be the sanest idea you've had thus far in this speech......
"I like them. And I hear their speeches. And they don’t talk jobs and they don’t talk China. When was the last time you heard China is killing us? They’re devaluing their currency to a level that you wouldn’t believe. It makes it impossible for our companies to compete, impossible. They’re killing us.
But you don’t hear that from anybody else. You don’t hear it from anybody else. And I watch the speeches."
Actually I did hear it from this one guy, name of Jon Huntsman, ran for president as a republican last time around.....course he got his ass handed to him....but still since you asked and all.
"I watch the speeches of these people, and they say the sun will rise, the moon will set, all sorts of wonderful things will happen. And people are saying, “What’s going on? I just want a job. Just get me a job. I don’t need the rhetoric. I want a job.”
Wait, republicans are THAT devoid of ideas that the best they got is "day and night will keep occurring?" I mean i actually get the point trump was making...but damn does that analogy suck ass.
"And that’s what’s happening. And it’s going to get worse, because remember, Obamacare really kicks in in ’16, 2016. Obama is going to be out playing golf. He might be on one of my courses. I would invite him, I actually would say. I have the best courses in the world, so I’d say, you what, if he wants to— I have one right next to the White House, right on the Potomac. If he’d like to play, that’s fine. In fact, I’d love him to leave early and play, that would be a very good thing."
So our nuclear arsenal is 30 years old....man that creates a real opening for Putin and his top of the line shiny brand new Soviet nuclear missiles..........oh wait.
"We have a disaster called the big lie: Obamacare. Obamacare.Yesterday, it came out that costs are going for people up 29, 39, 49, and even 55 percent, and deductibles are through the roof. You have to be hit by a tractor, literally, a tractor, to use it, because the deductibles are so high, it’s virtually useless. It’s virtually useless. It is a disaster."
Translation: This study that said it was this number, or maybe this number, or possibly this number, or maybe even this number...who knows I didnt read it I just figure the more numbers I pull out of my ass the closer I have to being right.
"And remember the $5 billion website? $5 billion we spent on a website, and to this day it doesn’t work. A $5 billion website.
I have so many websites, I have them all over the place. I hire people, they do a website. It costs me $3. $5 billion website."
You know, maybe its just me, but I have a hunch if your finding people who are making you a website for $3, you might be employing those illegal immigrants you keep bitching about......
"Well, you need somebody, because politicians are all talk, no action. Nothing’s gonna get done. They will not bring us— believe me— to the promised land. They will not.
As an example, I’ve been on the circuit making speeches, and I hear my fellow Republicans. And they’re wonderful people. I like them. They all want me to support them. They don’t know how to bring it about. They come up to my office. I’m meeting with three of them in the next week. And they don’t know— “Are you running? Are you not running? Could we have your support? What do we do? How do we do it?”
You know, call me crazy but I have a hunch your probably NOT having meeting with 3 republicans seeking your endorsements next week, not with you just announcing your competing against them and all.
Unless your considering not endorsing yourself, which would actually be the sanest idea you've had thus far in this speech......
"I like them. And I hear their speeches. And they don’t talk jobs and they don’t talk China. When was the last time you heard China is killing us? They’re devaluing their currency to a level that you wouldn’t believe. It makes it impossible for our companies to compete, impossible. They’re killing us.
But you don’t hear that from anybody else. You don’t hear it from anybody else. And I watch the speeches."
Actually I did hear it from this one guy, name of Jon Huntsman, ran for president as a republican last time around.....course he got his ass handed to him....but still since you asked and all.
"I watch the speeches of these people, and they say the sun will rise, the moon will set, all sorts of wonderful things will happen. And people are saying, “What’s going on? I just want a job. Just get me a job. I don’t need the rhetoric. I want a job.”
Wait, republicans are THAT devoid of ideas that the best they got is "day and night will keep occurring?" I mean i actually get the point trump was making...but damn does that analogy suck ass.
"And that’s what’s happening. And it’s going to get worse, because remember, Obamacare really kicks in in ’16, 2016. Obama is going to be out playing golf. He might be on one of my courses. I would invite him, I actually would say. I have the best courses in the world, so I’d say, you what, if he wants to— I have one right next to the White House, right on the Potomac. If he’d like to play, that’s fine. In fact, I’d love him to leave early and play, that would be a very good thing."
Donald Trump seems to have this really odd form of ADD, where instead of being distracted by shiny things he can be taken totally off tangent by a chance to talk about himself....
"But Obamacare kicks in in 2016. Really big league. It is going to be amazingly destructive. Doctors are quitting. I have a friend who’s a doctor, and he said to me the other day, “Donald, I never saw anything like it. I have more accountants than I have nurses. It’s a disaster. My patients are beside themselves. They had a plan that was good. They have no plan now.”
We have to repeal Obamacare, and it can be— and— and it can be replaced with something much better for everybody. Let it be for everybody. But much better and much less expensive for people and for the government. And we can do it."
Alright, whats your plan, youve had 6 years....lets hear it...at least an outline......odd by the way that not a single republican in 6 years has been able to come up with one......
"So I’ve watched the politicians. I’ve dealt with them all my life. If you can’t make a good deal with a politician, then there’s something wrong with you. You’re certainly not very good. And that’s what we have representing us. They will never make America great again. They don’t even have a chance. They’re controlled fully— they’re controlled fully by the lobbyists, by the donors, and by the special interests, fully.
Yes, they control them. Hey, I have lobbyists. I have to tell you. I have lobbyists that can produce anything for me. They’re great. But you know what? it won’t happen. It won’t happen. Because we have to stop doing things for some people, but for this country, it’s destroying our country. We have to stop, and it has to stop now."
So hold on, if I follow this logic here: politicians are bad because they are controlled by lobbyists who dont have the best interests of the country at heart.
I control those evil lobbyists....so vote for me because I have the best interests of the country at heart more than the politicians I pay....
Yea......not the best pitch I've ever heard......
"Now, our country needs— our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a truly great leader now. We need a leader that wrote “The Art of the Deal.”
SELF PROMOTION ADD ENGAGED
And we also need a cheerleader."
Hmm, a cheerleader president.....wonder how that would work out?
"You know, when President Obama was elected, I said, “Well, the one thing, I think he’ll do well. I think he’ll be a great cheerleader for the country. I think he’d be a great spirit.”
He was vibrant. He was young. I really thought that he would be a great cheerleader.
He’s not a leader. That’s true. You’re right about that.
But he wasn’t a cheerleader. He’s actually a negative force. He’s been a negative force. He wasn’t a cheerleader; he was the opposite.
We need somebody that can take the brand of the United States and make it great again. It’s not great again.
We need— we need somebody— we need somebody that literally will take this country and make it great again. We can do that."
I actually have to give Trump credit on this one, he's already learned politics 101, the easiest thing you can claim to want to do is something that was already done.....but then again those stories pointing out US approval rating around the world are way up since the Cheerleader President was in office involve numbers....so its actually possible trump just doesnt understand them.
"And, I will tell you, I love my life. I have a wonderful family. They’re saying, “Dad, you’re going to do something that’s going to be so tough.”
You know, all of my life, I’ve heard that a truly successful person, a really, really successful person and even modestly successful cannot run for public office. Just can’t happen. And yet that’s the kind of mindset that you need to make this country great again."
I dont know who told The Donald that, but it was probably a moron. Either that or by Trumps standards being a millionaire (as more than HALF of congress is,) doesnt count as "moderately successful".......
"So ladies and gentlemen…I am officially running… for president of the United States, and we are going to make our country great again."
And cue the reaction of Democrats around the country in 3....2.....1
oddly contrasted with the republican reaction (as they realize he just made their election into a clown show):
It appears he be can and is actually that stupid. And I didnt truncate that sentence, he actually just stopped talking and switched [or not?] subjects
So we need people— I’m a free trader. But the problem with free trade is you need really talented people to negotiate for you. If you don’t have talented people, if you don’t have great leadership, if you don’t have people that know business, not just a political hack that got the job because he made a contribution to a campaign, which is the way all jobs, just about, are gotten, free trade terrible.
Actually as it happens most bureaucrats are career professionals, have been since Chester Arthur was president around 120 years ago....
Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people, but we have people that are stupid. We have people that aren’t smart. And we have people that are controlled by special interests. And it’s just not going to work.
So stupid people who arnt smart and are controlled by special interests? based on this speech alone, I'm pretty sure those people look like this:
"It can happen. Our country has tremendous potential. We have tremendous people.
We have people that aren’t working. We have people that have no incentive to work. But they’re going to have incentive to work, because the greatest social program is a job. And they’ll be proud, and they’ll love it, and they’ll make much more than they would’ve ever made, and they’ll be— they’ll be doing so well, and we’re going to be thriving as a country, thriving. It can happen.
I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. I tell you that."
We have people that aren’t working. We have people that have no incentive to work. But they’re going to have incentive to work, because the greatest social program is a job. And they’ll be proud, and they’ll love it, and they’ll make much more than they would’ve ever made, and they’ll be— they’ll be doing so well, and we’re going to be thriving as a country, thriving. It can happen.
I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created. I tell you that."
Oh good, next I assume your going to tell me HOW your going to do that?
"I’ll bring back our jobs from China, from Mexico, from Japan, from so many places. I’ll bring back our jobs, and I’ll bring back our money.
Right now, think of this: We owe China $1.3 trillion. We owe Japan more than that. So they come in, they take our jobs, they take our money, and then they loan us back the money, and we pay them in interest, and then the dollar goes up so their deal’s even better.
How stupid are our leaders? How stupid are these politicians to allow this to happen? How stupid are they?
I’m going to tell you— thank you. I’m going to tell you a couple of stories about trade, because I’m totally against the trade bill for a number of reasons."
I guess your not actually going to tell me how your going to do that. But on the upside YAY Story time.
"Number one, the people negotiating don’t have a clue. Our president doesn’t have a clue. He’s a bad negotiator.
He’s the one that did Bergdahl. We get Bergdahl, they get five killer terrorists that everybody wanted over there.
We get Bergdahl. We get a traitor. We get a no-good traitor, and they get the five people that they wanted for years, and those people are now back on the battlefield trying to kill us. That’s the negotiator we have."
Wait Bergdahl? Iran? what the fuck happened to the stories about TRADE you just promised me?
Unless...oh my god is this possible, could it be that Donald Trump doesnt actually understand the definition of the term Trade when they use it in something called the "Trade Bill". That he actually doesnt realize that the term is implied to mean ECONOMIC exchange? Can he actually be that stupid?
"Take a look at the deal he’s making with Iran. He makes that deal, Israel maybe won’t exist very long. It’s a disaster, and we have to protect Israel. But…"
"Take a look at the deal he’s making with Iran. He makes that deal, Israel maybe won’t exist very long. It’s a disaster, and we have to protect Israel. But…"
It appears he be can and is actually that stupid. And I didnt truncate that sentence, he actually just stopped talking and switched [or not?] subjects
So we need people— I’m a free trader. But the problem with free trade is you need really talented people to negotiate for you. If you don’t have talented people, if you don’t have great leadership, if you don’t have people that know business, not just a political hack that got the job because he made a contribution to a campaign, which is the way all jobs, just about, are gotten, free trade terrible.
Actually as it happens most bureaucrats are career professionals, have been since Chester Arthur was president around 120 years ago....
Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people, but we have people that are stupid. We have people that aren’t smart. And we have people that are controlled by special interests. And it’s just not going to work.
So stupid people who arnt smart and are controlled by special interests? based on this speech alone, I'm pretty sure those people look like this:
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| Hell he admitted he was behind the lobbyists/special interests up at the top. |
So for the sake of making things easier to read, that wraps part 1. Join us in part 2 for Story time with Trump and a descent into contradictory confusion.
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