Top 10 historical facts all Americans are taught.....that are total bullshit. part 2

5) US had never lost a war/negotiated with terrorists.

Right so, I know lots of people like to point to Vietnam as a war we lost to disprove this, but technically speaking, as the defenders of this belief point out, Vietnam was a withdrawal, not a defeat, as we got out before the end of the war, and never actually "lost".

Similar logic applies to  Korea, in which we failed to unify Korea, but also succeeded in not losing all of Korea.  Ditto the war of 1812, in which we got some minor concessions at the end of it.

So to most people, the US military record looks like this
Revolution: Won
1812: Technical victory
Mexican-American War: Won
Civil War: Won
Spanish American War: Won
World War I: Won
World War II: Won
Korean War: Technical victory
Vietnam War: Withdrew, didnt lose.
Gulf War: Won
Second Gulf War: Won* (*as soon as we can agree on what we were trying to win)

So yea the US has never lost right?

WRONG. Because we have been involved in a LOT more wars than that. Addmittedly a lot of those were against the Native Americans and we won.....we just dont talk about them because we arnt exactly proud of how weve been treating Native Americans anymore.  But there are a few other too. Including the most famous war you never heard of directly.

The "halls of Tripoli" are actually a reference to the First Barbary War (specifically the first time the US flag was raised over a conquered old world city), conducted by President Thomas Jefferson against the Barbary Pirates. Now while it did lead to the permanent founding of the Navy and Marines (hence its inclusion in the song) we kinda lost that one......its why you dont really hear of it.

See the war ended when President Jefferson agreed to pay a ransom to the pirate leader for the return of all american POW's and not putting the leaders older brother (who we backed) in charge.

Not really great terms for us, odder still since our military was primed to win the war, but its hard to look at those terms as something a victor would put forward (you get money and power and we get squat). Also since pirates would have fit the modern definition of terrorist, this is technically negotiating with a terrorist.

By the way, for those who are curious, Jefferson's sucessor, James Madison, would upon the end of the War of 1812, launch the Second Barbary war, and would clearly win this one getting them to pay us money this time, and a guarantee of no further piracy against us. So yea.... at least we won in the end right? 

6) Vice presidency is the "on deck" for becoming the next president.

Actually no. Not unless the president dies. (I've mentioned this in earlier posts in more detail for those interested) Since we changed the rules about who gets to be Vice President with the 12th amendment (used to be the runner up, now its a prepicked running mate), its only happened three times Martian Van Buren, Richard Nixon and George H.W. Bush, and Nixon doesnt really count since he didnt immediately become president, there were two other presidents between his time as VP and president Usually when you hear about the VP being "on deck" they mean to be the NEXT president.

So yea, thats twice in the 212 years since the 12th amendment.....or about once every 106 years/as often as the Chicago cubs win the World Series, so yea not really that likely.

(and yes, I know Al Gore won the popular vote in 2000....but he didnt become president so it doesnt count)

7) US has never given territory to a foreign power

Ever heard the expression "54-40 or fight"? it was an unoffical campaign solgan for Democrats in the 1844 elections. At the time the north western border of the United States was in dispute. The US and the UK both claimed the area between the 42nd and the 54th parallel (specifically 54 parallel plus 40 minutes, or 54-40). Now for those of you not well versed in parallel's the 42nd is basically the northern border of California, and as it turns out 54-40 is the southern most part of Alaska.

HOWEVER, for the geographically challenged, Alaska isnt connected to the rest of the US, and Oregon and Washington are north of California, but stop well short of Alaska.

So what happened? simple, we actually chose to concede some territory rather than actually fight a war for it. We settled on the 49th parallel, where the border remains to this day, thus making that the first time in history the US has given up control of US controlled territory to another power.

And then of course, there is the much more recent example of Panama and the Canal Zone...although unlike 54-40 that was done decades in advance and there was no possibility of war.

8) Bill of rights applies universally

This one comes up ALL THE TIME, usually when someone famous says something stupid publicly, and gets fired.  They always claim their right to free speech is being restricted.

Here's the dirty little secret. No it's not...because you do not HAVE a universal right to free speech, that not what the first amendment says.

All the first amendment.....or well any amendment, is that the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT wont do anything to restrict your rights. The 14th amendment applies most of those rights to the state governments.

But there is absolutely NOTHING that applies those rights to ANYTHING else including private businesses.Which means you better read that employment contract and see if your "off the clock" time can be held against you by the company (often it is in many situations, like saying bad things about them, or drinking in uniform ect).

But yea, just remember next time some famous person says something stupid and gets fired and bitches about it violating their freedom, they are wrong....and I promise you their lawyers have told them the same thing. All they are doing is preying on your ignorance to try to make themselves seem like victims when they arnt.

9) Declaration of Independence has legal weight.

And we near the end where we started, with the Declaration of Independence.

So this is one you kinda hear implied in passing all the time. Politicans always claim to want to go back to the Declaration and the Constitution, you'll hear in a single speech that you have the right to life, right to free speech and right to bear arms ect.

It's also pretty popular point among those who try to insert God in the american legal system, because the declaration mentions the "creator" and everything.

Although as you might have guessed, from its placement on this list.....its also a load of shit.

Most people might know the preamble to Declaration, but clearly no one's read the rest, as it says NOTHING about any legal system, laws, government ect. Its just a list of reasons as to why Independence is justified.

And thats the point.....thats all it was supposed to be. Remember the Articles of Confederation back in part 1? Yea THAT was the governmental document.

The Declaration, was in modern terms supposed to be less akin to a governing document and more akin to:

in that its entire point was only to tell Britain to go fuck off.

Furthermore, even if the Declaration HAD been intended to be a governing document, there is this thing in the Constitution called the Supremacy clause, that basically made the Constitution supersede any other governing document....which was needed to end legal weight of the Articles of Confederation, and would have done the same to the Declaration had it had any legal weight in the first place.

So yea, the Declaration may be the most famous "fuck off" in american history....but thats ALL it is. 

10)Jamestown was first.

Ask most American's what the first English settlement (and the one we usually claim as the "first american settlement" as far as starting our history) and they will say Jamestown Virginia. (slightly dumber people might say Plymouth Rock MA)

They would also be WRONG.

The first English settlement was actually Roanoke (not the same as present day Roanoke NC), which was founded 20 years before Jamestown in 1587.

Problem is.....we uh....well....um....see....we kinda LOST the damn thing. And like REALLY lost the damn thing.

So yea, after the founding the next group of ships to arrive showed up in 1590....only to find the colony totally devoid of any and all human life.....and any human remains. The Jamestown Settlers were actually supposed to be looking for evidence of what happened as part of their mission in the New World. And the English empire launched several other attempts to figure out what the fuck happened....as did the Spanish.

And heres the thing. WE STILL DONT KNOW, there are still just multiple conflicting and unproven theories.

So like most American failures/awkwardness we just declared a "do-over" and decided that it was easier and simpler to ignore it and pretend Jamestown was first.

Cause as you may have noticed that's the American way.