And we are off to the [republican] races.......(part 2)

Well last time we covered 4 republican presidential candidates for losing to the Democrat in 2016. We've still got 10 left, and the question is are any of them actual real serious candidate, or are they just members of the clown show that crippled the GOP in 2012? (side note I also retroactively submit this as more evidence against Ted Cruz and Rick Santorum being worth taking seriously)

If Part 1 was any indication, we are learning clown show, but will the trend continue?

First, in the interests of moving things along, the "speed round". This is where I eliminate for seriousness several republicans in less than a paragraph each:

Carly Fiorina: She's running for office based on his "real world" business experience running HP. She did such a great job there that HP's announcement they were firing her generated 2.991 BILLION dollars in increased stock prices for the company THAT DAY.  Thats right, people invested 3 billion dollars simply because you didnt run things anymore......good luck in the election.

Donald Trump: Donald Trump is considering running for president. Thats actually all I got, because I'm pretty sure at this point Trump is a self contained punch line.....

Ben Carson: The Donald Trump of this election. May be a gifted brain surgeon, but still a moron in everything else. Notably believes the Constitution allows for Judaical laws but doesnt require the president to enforce them (context of this being that as president he could make gay marriage illegal even if the supreme court disagrees). Helps to know what the duties and limits and how the job you want actually works.....just saying.

Chris Christie: So yea, turns out Bridgegate isnt over yet, investigation set to be finished early next year just in time for the general election (3 aides already indicted or plead gulity). Plus the majority of people in his own state would vote for Hillary and dont want him to run.....so yea thats usually the political kiss of death.

That ends the speed round. Next up, my mothers favorite candidate (in that she hates him but is convinced somehow he will win) Scott Walker.

Now I already took walker to task for his problems in telling the difference between domestic and foreign policy, but he's actually so much worse.

Turns out, he also doesnt really know the difference between ISIS terrorists and police and school teachers.  Or as walker put it

“I want a commander in chief who will do everything in their power to ensure that the threat from radical Islamic terrorists does not wash up on American soil, If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the world.”

This is kinda terrifying in two ways....not only does walker seem to think anyone who opposes him is basically a terrorist, it also suggests he thinks all terrorists will do is raise their fist in the air and chant for a while.......

But actually none of that is as important as scott walker's biggest problem. He's basically the new Richard Nixon.

So EVERYONE knows about watergate, which led not only to Nixon's resignation, but the convictions of 6 of his top aides on criminal charges.

Well Scott Walker was just hit by what Wisconsin calls a "john doe" investigation.....and as a result has now tied Nixon's record for number of top aides facing criminal conviction with 6. BUT, there is actually a very good change Walker will eventually break Nixon's record, since he is about to get hit with another John Doe investigation.

By the way, at the end of the day, watergate was a scandal about attempting to steal an election. And perhaps not incidentally, the subjects of BOTH John Doe investigations are Scott Walker committing election fraud in TWO different elections.

And I did mention that second one is just now starting? so its going to dog him from now until election..

And that doesnt even get into the possibility that Walker's still unexplained decision to drop out of college senior year may have been caused by his getting caught cheating (at least per the school newspaper) in an election for student body president.

So yea, the guy who has been accused of stealing more elections than Nixon........probably not the horse I'd want to back in an election.

Now I would get to my next candidate, but it seems he's running a little late....

  

No wait, there he is. Now for reasons that never really made sense to me, that ^ was considered such a bad gaffe it took Jindal right out of consideration for the 2012 race.

Which makes me wonder what people would think of this:

So yea, as most people know theres a reason that the reporter, like most of us, cant think of an area in his own city that women feel like they have to wear veils.......because (all together now) ITS NOT A REAL THING.

And then this took a turn to the AMAZING. So after getting flack for the above clip, Jindal appeared on FOX news (who had originally made up reported the story) and had the following exchange:

NEIL CAVUTO: Did you know that the term no-go zones was wrong? We reported the same, and we were wrong. We botched it. We apologized for it.

You are not, I take it?

JINDAL: Not at all.
So yea, thats a reporter telling a guy "dude we got this wrong" and they guy saying "dont care"

but what came next was the amazing part

"JINDAL: Neil, no, look, I think what you apologized, what your network apologized for was calling an entire city a no-go zone. That's not true. But there absolutely are neighborhoods. And the same day I made those remarks, there was a police chief in London that said this in The Daily Mail."

Translation "I am now going to tell YOU what YOU meant by your appology, and then explain why that means I am still right."

By the way this lead to a several minute long rant, with Cavuto multiple times asking Jindal if he was sure he really knew what he was talking about (since you know they had already told him the story was wrong) before eventually giving up and trying to change topics.

I mean giving a several minute long explanation about how and why the guy who just told you he was wrong wasnt wrong all so you can be right is fucking amazing.  That seems borderline "living in your own fantasy world"

I give Jindal credit, as bad as the 2012 race was there was no candidate that came close to having their head as far up there own ass as Jindal apparently has his.

Finally we end with Mike Huckabee. Huckabee would have been in the speed round, except I needed a quote or two to show why he's an ass clown.

First up, this gem from the last election cycle:

"I would love to know more. What I know is troubling enough. And one thing that I do know is [Obama] having grown up in Kenya, his view of the Brits, for example, very different than the average American. When he gave the back the … bust of Winston Churchill, a great insult to the British. But then if you think about it, his perspective as growing up in Kenya with a Kenyan father and grandfather, their view of the Mau Mau Revolution in Kenya is very different than ours because he probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather." 
So with the possible except of the first sentence, I dont think there is actually anything in there that is remotely factually correct. But hey at least we know where Huckabee stands on birtherism....he's a BIG believer. From a different speech

" And I have said many times, publicly, that I do think he has a different worldview and I think it's in part molded out of a very different experience. Most of us grew up going to Boy Scout meetings, you know, our communities were filled with Rotary Clubs, not madrassas."

Or actually maybe he's just a racist. Cause its not just Obama he fires on

“Beyonce is incredibly talented – gifted, in fact. She has an exceptional set of pipes and can actually sing. She is a terrific dancer – without the explicit moves best left for the privacy of her bedroom. Jay-Z is a very shrewd businessman, but I wonder: Does it occur to him that he is arguably crossing the line from husband to pimp by exploiting his wife as a sex object?”

That's Huckabee's commentary on Beyonce's Grammy performance last year. Now a couple of things to note, mainly that, Beyonce is self employed, she runs and manages herself, her husband has nothing to do with her in that sense.

Second apparently letting your wife work in any way that shows shes attractive makes her a slut and you a pimp.....at least if the couple in question is black. (cause yea its not like there arnt white singers who dance sexy)   

Seems that Huckabee thinks Jay Z has 99 problems, and the bitch being out of the kitchen is one.

On the upside though, huckabee's rallies look really well attended....See?

This ends part 2, but if you were keeping count we still have a couple of candidates left to go, notably John Kasich, George Pataki, and Rick Perry. So yea, spoiler alert about who's in part 3.