You're Hired: The Donald 2016, the most epic announcement speech of all times. Part 2, the Post Screed.

Picking up DIRECTLY (as in this is actually the next line of his speech despite the lack of a transition in the speech) from where I left off in part 1. Its STORY TIME:

"So, here’s a couple of stories happened recently. A friend of mine is a great manufacturer. And, you know, China comes over and they dump all their stuff, and I buy it. I buy it, because, frankly, I have an obligation to buy it, because they devalue their currency so brilliantly, they just did it recently, and nobody thought they could do it again.

But with all our problems with Russia, with all our problems with everything— everything, they got away with it again. And it’s impossible for our people here to compete."

So the problem with the US according to Trump is China....or Russia....or China, who sell their shit here to people like Donald Trump, who buys it while fucking over his friends in the process.

Point is, Donald Trump is a shitty friend.

"So I want to tell you this story. A friend of mine who’s a great manufacturer, calls me up a few weeks ago. He’s very upset. I said, “What’s your problem?”"

Wait didnt we just DO this story? Or is this a do over because you got side tracked by random russia last time.....

"He said, “You know, I make great product.”

And I said, “I know. I know that because I buy the product.”

No you dont. You just told everyone you fucked him over for China. So apparently your a shitty friend AND a liar.

"He said, “I can’t get it into China. They won’t accept it. I sent a boat over and they actually sent it back. They talked about environmental, they talked about all sorts of crap that had nothing to do with it.”

I said, “Oh, wait a minute, that’s terrible. Does anyone know this?”

He said, “Yeah, they do it all the time with other people.”

I said, “They send it back?”

“Yeah. So I finally got it over there and they charged me a big tariff. They’re not supposed to be doing that. I told them.”

Now, they do charge you tariff on trucks, when we send trucks and other things over there."

So the moral of this story, Take 2 version, is that your friends are also dumbasses?

"Ask Boeing. They wanted Boeing’s secrets. They wanted their patents and all their secrets before they agreed to buy planes from Boeing."

And the problem with this IS? its basically like asking for $20 an hour on a job you expect to make $14, you aint gonna get $20 but you might make $16. Just saying that Negotiations 101....allegedly Trumps strong suit.

"Hey, I’m not saying they’re stupid. I like China. I sell apartments for— I just sold an apartment for $15 million to somebody from China. Am I supposed to dislike them? I own a big chunk of the Bank of America Building at 1290 Avenue of the Americas, that I got from China in a war. Very valuable."

Translation: I'm not anti chinese people or anything....I once sold something to one of them. I have a great relationship with "the china's" kinda like my great relationship with "the blacks"

"I love China. The biggest bank in the world is from China. You know where their United States headquarters is located? In this building, in Trump Tower. I love China. People say, “Oh, you don’t like China?”

Remember the self promotion ADD? IT'S BAAAACCCKKKK!

"No, I love them. But their leaders are much smarter than our leaders, and we can’t sustain ourself with that. There’s too much— it’s like— it’s like take the New England Patriots and Tom Brady and have them play your high school football team. That’s the difference between China’s leaders and our leaders."

So basically your saying the Chinese are smarter but their balls are deflated?  nothing racist to see here folks........

They are ripping us. We are rebuilding China. We’re rebuilding many countries. China, you go there now, roads, bridges, schools, you never saw anything like it. They have bridges that make the George Washington Bridge look like small potatoes. And they’re all over the place.

So lets just send them Governor Christie.....we all saw what he did to the George Washington Bridge.....

Also the GWB is the busiest bridge in the world bar none. So yea, who wants to explain to Trump that size doesnt matter?

"We have all the cards, but we don’t know how to use them. We don’t even know that we have the cards, because our leaders don’t understand the game. We could turn off that spigot by charging them tax until they behave properly.

Now they’re going militarily. They’re building a military island in the middle of the South China sea. A military island. Now, our country could never do that because we’d have to get environmental clearance, and the environmentalist wouldn’t let our country— we would never build in an ocean. They built it in about one year, this massive military port."

Trump makes a good point, our country could NEVER build a military island.

Midway Island. A fictional american military Island that surely wasnt a major battle of  WW2.

"They’re building up their military to a point that is very scary. You have a problem with ISIS. You have a bigger problem with China."

Wait what? you just spend the last few minutes talking about how youd like to orally pleasure China if possible because you love them so much.....and now they are worse than terrorists?

Dafuq?

"And, in my opinion, the new China, believe it or not, in terms of trade, is Mexico.

So this man tells me about the manufacturing. I say, “That’s a terrible story. I hate to hear it.”

Mr. Trump I have to ask do you have tourettes? Cause somehow we went from talking to your friend on the phone to Boeing, to loving China, who are worse that terrorists but also the future of Mexico....and that was all actually supposed to be connected as a story?

"But I have another one, Ford.

So Mexico takes a company, a car company that was going to build in Tennessee, rips it out. Everybody thought the deal was dead. Reported it in the Wall Street Journal recently. Everybody thought it was a done deal. It’s going in and that’s going to be it, going into Tennessee. Great state, great people.

All of a sudden, at the last moment, this big car manufacturer, foreign, announces they’re not going to Tennessee. They’re gonna spend their $1 billion in Mexico instead. Not good.

Now, Ford announces a few weeks ago that Ford is going to build a $2.5 billion car and truck and parts manufacturing plant in Mexico. $2.5 billion, it’s going to be one of the largest in the world. Ford. Good company.

So I announced that I’m running for president. I would…

… one of the early things I would do, probably before I even got in— and I wouldn’t even use— you know, I have— I know the smartest negotiators in the world. I know the good ones. I know the bad ones. I know the overrated ones."
Ok seriously What the fuck is going on? Are you and that thing on your head locked in a battle over who actually gets to control your brain at the moment?

Cause like seriously dude, even Sarah Palin thinks that was unintelligible.

"You get a lot of them that are overrated. They’re not good. They think they are. They get good stories, because the newspapers get buffaloed. But they’re not good.

But I know the negotiators in the world, and I put them one for each country. Believe me, folks. We will do very, very well, very, very well."We will do very very well in WHAT? like I actually have no god damn clue what your even taking about except it may or may not involve Ford

"But I wouldn’t even waste my time with this one. I would call up the head of Ford, who I know. If I was president, I’d say, “Congratulations. I understand that you’re building a nice $2.5 billion car factory in Mexico and that you’re going to take your cars and sell them to the United States zero tax, just flow them across the border.”

And you say to yourself, “How does that help us,” right? “How does that help us? Where is that good”? It’s not.

So I would say, “Congratulations. That’s the good news. Let me give you the bad news. Every car and every truck and every part manufactured in this plant that comes across the border, we’re going to charge you a 35-percent tax, and that tax is going to be paid simultaneously with the transaction, and that’s it."

So the good news is your letter Ford bring cars in tax free, but the bad news is your not letting Ford bring in cars tax free? I'm pretty sure both of those statements cant be true.

Also do I even want to know what transaction your talking about here? cause are we talking sale of the car? cause if so your basically telling Ford to mark up all their prices 35% so the car buyer (AKA all of *us*) actually pays that when we buy the car.  So I'm not sure how thats sticking it to Ford.

"Now, here’s what is going to happen. If it’s not me in the position, it’s one of these politicians that we’re running against, you know, the 400 people that we’re (inaudible). And here’s what’s going to happen. They’re not so stupid. They know it’s not a good thing, and they may even be upset by it. But then they’re going to get a call from the donors or probably from the lobbyist for Ford and say, “You can’t do that to Ford, because Ford takes care of me and I take care of you, and you can’t do that to Ford.”

And guess what? No problem. They’re going to build in Mexico. They’re going to take away thousands of jobs. It’s very bad for us.

So under President Trump, here’s what would happen:

The head of Ford will call me back, I would say within an hour after I told them the bad news. But it could be he’d want to be cool, and he’ll wait until the next day. You know, they want to be a little cool.

And he’ll say, “Please, please, please.” He’ll beg for a little while, and I’ll say, “No interest.” Then he’ll call all sorts of political people, and I’ll say, “Sorry, fellas. No interest,” because I don’t need anybody’s money. It’s nice. I don’t need anybody’s money.

I’m using my own money. I’m not using the lobbyists. I’m not using donors. I don’t care. I’m really rich. I (inaudible).

And by the way, I’m not even saying that’s the kind of mindset, that’s the kind of thinking you need for this country."

So *if* I understand you, and thats a BIG stretch, your saying this would only work because your rich.....but your also saying that isnt the thing you need for this country.

So your undermining your own point? Ok..............

"So— because we got to make the country rich.

It sounds crass. Somebody said, “Oh, that’s crass.” It’s not crass.

We got $18 trillion in debt. We got nothing but problems.

We got a military that needs equipment all over the place. We got nuclear weapons that are obsolete.

We’ve got nothing. We’ve got Social Security that’s going to be destroyed if somebody like me doesn’t bring money into the country. All these other people want to cut the hell out of it. I’m not going to cut it at all; I’m going to bring money in, and we’re going to save it.

But here’s what’s going to happen:

After I’m called by 30 friends of mine who contributed to different campaigns, after I’m called by all of the special interests and by the— the donors and by the lobbyists— and they have zero chance at convincing me, zero— I’ll get a call the next day from the head of Ford. He’ll say. “Please reconsider,” I’ll say no.

He’ll say, “Mr. President, we’ve decided to move the plant back to the United States, and we’re not going to build it in Mexico.” That’s it. They have no choice. They have no choice."

Wait, are you SURE you dont want to pick this up when you and that thing on your head arnt fighting for control.

Cause somehow we jumped from Ford to 18 Trillion in debt to Nukes, to Social Security, to all your friends who are apparently (and thankfully) smart enough NOT to support you for president, back to Ford.

Because Ford is responsible for everything?  or something.....

"There are hundreds of things like that. I’ll give you another example.

Saudi Arabia, they make $1 billion a day. $1 billion a day. I love the Saudis. Many are in this building. They make a billion dollars a day. Whenever they have problems, we send over the ships. We say “we’re gonna protect.” What are we doing? They’ve got nothing but money.

If the right person asked them, they’d pay a fortune. They wouldn’t be there except for us.

And believe me, you look at the border with Yemen. You remember Obama a year ago, Yemen was a great victory. Two weeks later, the place was blown up. Everybody got out— and they kept our equipment.

They always keep our equipment. We ought to send used equipment, right? They always keep our equipment. We ought to send some real junk, because, frankly, it would be— we ought to send our surplus. We’re always losing this gorgeous brand-new stuff.

But look at that border with Saudi Arabia. Do you really think that these people are interested in Yemen? Saudi Arabia without us is gone. They’re gone."

Actually I'm pretty sure the Saudi's have something other than Money....but for the life of me I cant remember what it is

"And I’m the one that made all of the right predictions about Iraq. You know, all of these politicians that I’m running against now— it’s so nice to say I’m running as opposed to if I run, if I run. I’m running.

But all of these politicians that I’m running against now, they’re trying to disassociate. I mean, you looked at Bush, it took him five days to answer the question on Iraq. He couldn’t answer the question. He didn’t know. I said, “Is he intelligent?”

Ironically we are now ALL thinking the same thing about you........

"Then I looked at Rubio. He was unable to answer the question, is Iraq a good thing or bad thing? He didn’t know. He couldn’t answer the question.

How are these people gonna lead us? How are we gonna— how are we gonna go back and make it great again? We can’t. They don’t have a clue. They can’t lead us. They can’t. They can’t even answer simple questions. It was terrible.

But Saudi Arabia is in big, big trouble. Now, thanks to fracking and other things, the oil is all over the place. And I used to say it, there are ships at sea, and this was during the worst crisis, that were loaded up with oil, and the cartel kept the price up, because, again, they were smarter than our leaders. They were smarter than our leaders.

There is so much wealth out there that can make our country so rich again, and therefore make it great again. Because we need money. We’re dying. We’re dying. We need money. We have to do it. And we need the right people.

So Ford will come back. They’ll all come back. And I will say this, this is going to be an election, in my opinion, that’s based on competence."

Wait FORD? where the FUCK did Ford come from, dude you stopped talking about them like 10 minutes ago, unless somehow Saudi Arabia is actually part of Ford and we all missed that memo.

"Somebody said — thank you, darlin’.

Somebody said to me the other day, a reporter, a very nice reporter, “But, Mr. Trump, you’re not a nice person.”

That’s true. But actually I am. I think I am a nice person. People that know me, like me. Does my family like me? I think so, right. Look at my family. I’m proud of my family."

So its true, your not a nice person......except its not true because you are.....MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!

"By the way, speaking of my family, Melania, Barron, Kai, Donnie, Don, Vanessa, Tiffany, Ivanka did a great job. Did she do a great job?

Great. Jared, Laura and Eric, I’m very proud of my family. They’re a great family."

Now if you dont know anything about Trumps family, this might look like giving credit to his wife for how great his kids are, which is cool and all, except for one small problem.

Ivanka is his daughter, not his wife.

So I'm not entirely sure what she did that was such a great job.....maybe its possible he's referencing her giving him 2 of his 7 grandchildren.....except that he kinda forgot to mention THOSE grandkids in the speech (mentioned some of the others though)

That's kinda awkward.......

'So the reporter said to me the other day, “But, Mr. Trump, you’re not a nice person. How can you get people to vote for you?”

I said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I think that number one, I am a nice person. I give a lot of money away to charities and other things. I think I’m actually a very nice person.”

But, I said, “This is going to be an election that’s based on competence, because people are tired of these nice people. And they’re tired of being ripped off by everybody in the world. And they’re tired of spending more money on education than any nation in the world per capita, than any nation in the world, and we are 26th in the world, 25 countries are better than us in education. And some of them are like third world countries. But we’re becoming a third word country, because of our infrastructure, our airports, our roads, everything. So one of the things I did, and I said, you know what I’ll do. I’ll do it. Because a lot of people said, “He’ll never run. Number one, he won’t want to give up his lifestyle.”

They’re right about that, but I’m doing it"

So people will vote for you because they are nice, but people are tired of voting for nice people?

*singing* Take me down to the contradiction city, where the grass is green [and blue] and the girls are pretty [and ugly] take me home [and somewhere else].

"Number two, I’m a private company, so nobody knows what I’m worth. And the one thing is that when you run, you have to announce and certify to all sorts of governmental authorities your net worth.

So I said, “That’s OK.” I’m proud of my net worth. I’ve done an amazing job.

I started off— thank you— I started off in a small office with my father in Brooklyn and Queens, and my father said — and I love my father. I learned so much. He was a great negotiator. I learned so much just sitting at his feet playing with blocks listening to him negotiate with subcontractors. But I learned a lot.

But he used to say, “Donald, don’t go into Manhattan. That’s the big leagues. We don’t know anything about that. Don’t do it.”

I said, “I gotta go into Manhattan. I gotta build those big buildings. I gotta do it, Dad. I’ve gotta do it.”

And after four or five years in Brooklyn, I ventured into Manhattan and did a lot of great deals— the Grand Hyatt Hotel. I was responsible for the convention center on the west side. I did a lot of great deals, and I did them early and young. And now I’m building all over the world, and I love what I’m doing.

But they all said, a lot of the pundits on television, “Well, Donald will never run, and one of the main reasons is he’s private and he’s probably not as successful as everybody thinks.”

So I said to myself, you know, nobody’s ever going to know unless I run, because I’m really proud of my success. I really am.

I’ve employed— I’ve employed tens of thousands of people over my lifetime. That means medical. That means education. That means everything."

So your running because it will require you to release the documents that prove you're a success?

You know I'm not a lawyer or anything but it seems to me, you could *just* release the documents because you WANT to. Pretty sure that's legal....and easier than running for president.

:"So a large accounting firm and my accountants have been working for months, because it’s big and complex, and they’ve put together a statement, a financial statement, just a summary. But everything will be filed eventually with the government, and we don’t [use] extensions or anything. We’ll be filing it right on time. We don’t need anything."

So you dont need anything to finish it, but its not finished yet because you need more time......these contradictions make my head hurt.

"And it was even reported incorrectly yesterday, because they said, “He had assets of $9 billion.” So I said, “No, that’s the wrong number. That’s the wrong number. Not assets.”

So they put together this. And before I say it, I have to say this. I made it the old-fashioned way. It’s real estate. You know, it’s real estate.

It’s labor, and it’s unions good and some bad and lots of people that aren’t in unions, and it’s all over the place and building all over the world.

And I have assets— big accounting firm, one of the most highly respected— 9 billion 240 million dollars.

And I have liabilities of about $500 million. That’s long-term debt, very low interest rates.

In fact, one of the big banks came to me and said, “Donald, you don’t have enough borrowings. Could we loan you $4 billion”? I said, “I don’t need it. I don’t want it. And I’ve been there. I don’t want it.”

But in two seconds, they give me whatever I wanted. So I have a total net worth, and now with the increase, it’ll be well-over $10 billion. But here, a total net worth of—net worth, not assets, not— a net worth, after all debt, after all expenses, the greatest assets— Trump Tower, 1290 Avenue of the Americas, Bank of America building in San Francisco, 40 Wall Street, sometimes referred to as the Trump building right opposite the New York— many other places all over the world.

So the total is $8,737,540,000."

Translation: they said 9 billion which was wrong I will explain to you in GREAT detail of how rounded up by a exactly 26,246,0000 million and not a penny less......but yea point is ROUNDING IS UNACCEPTABLE

"Now I’m not doing that…

I’m not doing that to brag, because you know what? I don’t have to brag. I don’t have to, believe it or not."

Actually I have no problem believing you dont HAVE to......you just clearly enjoy bragging.

"I’m doing that to say that that’s the kind of thinking our country needs. We need that thinking. We have the opposite thinking."

Actually I'm pretty sure that like 20 paragraphs ago you said we DIDNT need that thinking....
*scrolls up the page* "And by the way, I’m not even saying that’s the kind of mindset, that’s the kind of thinking you need for this country."

Yep...I was right.

"We have losers. We have losers. We have people that don’t have it. We have people that are morally corrupt. We have people that are selling this country down the drain.

So I put together this statement, and the only reason I’m telling you about it today is because we really do have to get going, because if we have another three or four years— you know, we’re at $8 trillion now. We’re soon going to be at $20 trillion."

You know I was going to try to say something snarky here but you switched topics mid sentence and.....so I says bangor? I hardly know her.

"According to the economists— who I’m not big believers in, but, nevertheless, this is what they’re saying— that $24 trillion— we’re very close— that’s the point of no return. $24 trillion. We will be there soon. That’s when we become Greece. That’s when we become a country that’s unsalvageable. And we’re gonna be there very soon. We’re gonna be there very soon."

Honestly, kinda noticed you werent a big believer in economists....or numbers really, back in part 1.

"So, just to sum up, I would do various things very quickly. I would repeal and replace the big lie, Obamacare.

I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively, I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall.

Mark my words."

Again with the size comparsion thingy. it has to be a *GREAT GREAT* wall.

Although given what you said about mexico in part 1 I'm not shocked you think they would pay for it since according to you their economy is booming and employment is soaring compared to us.....in Trumpland they want the wall to keep *us* out.....

"Nobody would be tougher on ISIS than Donald Trump. Nobody.
I will find — within our military, I will find the General Patton or I will find General MacArthur, I will find the right guy. I will find the guy that’s going to take that military and make it really work. Nobody, nobody will be pushing us around."

Ah yes, two generals both removed from command (albeit temporarily in one case) for being bad at their jobs.

Also, if your looking for a world war II figure who really made the military work.....you probably want their boss:

General George C. Marshall. Army Chief of Staff, America's highest ranked General of World War 2.

"I will stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons. And we won’t be using a man like Secretary Kerry that has absolutely no concept of negotiation, who’s making a horrible and laughable deal, who’s just being tapped along as they make weapons right now, and then goes into a bicycle race at 72 years old, and falls and breaks his leg. I won’t be doing that. And I promise I will never be in a bicycle race. That I can tell you."

Cause everyone knows the most important factor in diplomacy is bike riding skills.

But hey, at least The Donald knows enough to never do anything embarrassing......

   (and yes I was tempted to just show a picture of his comb-over)

"I will immediately terminate President Obama’s illegal executive order on immigration, immediately.

Fully support and back up the Second Amendment.

Now, it’s very interesting. Today I heard it. Through stupidity, in a very, very hard core prison, interestingly named Clinton, two vicious murderers, two vicious people escaped, and nobody knows where they are. And a woman was on television this morning, and she said, “You know, Mr. Trump,” and she was telling other people, and I actually called her, and she said, “You know, Mr. Trump, I always was against guns. I didn’t want guns. And now since this happened”— it’s up in the prison area— “my husband and I are finally in agreement, because he wanted the guns. We now have a gun on every table. We’re ready to start shooting.”

I said, “Very interesting.”

So protect the Second Amendment."

I really hope this woman only owns two tables.....cause thats about the number of guns most pairs can fire at once. Any more than that, and shes basically leaving guns out for the people who break into her house to shoot her/shoot back with.....

But that said, I do agree with Trump, this woman's crazy is "Very interesting"

"End— end Common Core. Common Core should— it is a disaster. Bush is totally in favor of Common Core. I don’t see how he can possibly get the nomination. He’s weak on immigration. He’s in favor of Common Core. How the hell can you vote for this guy? You just can’t do it. We have to end education has to be local.

Rebuild the country’s infrastructure.

Nobody can do that like me. Believe me. It will be done on time, on budget, way below cost, way below what anyone ever thought.

I look at the roads being built all over the country, and I say I can build those things for one-third. What they do is unbelievable, how bad.

You know, we’re building on Pennsylvania Avenue, the Old Post Office, we’re converting it into one of the world’s great hotels. It’s gonna be the best hotel in Washington, D.C. We got it from the General Services Administration in Washington. The Obama administration. We got it. It was the most highly sought after— or one of them, but I think the most highly sought after project in the history of General Services. We got it. People were shocked, Trump got it.

Well, I got it for two reasons. Number one, we’re really good. Number two, we had a really good plan. And I’ll add in the third, we had a great financial statement. Because the General Services, who are terrific people, by the way, and talented people, they wanted to do a great job. And they wanted to make sure it got built.

So we have to rebuild our infrastructure, our bridges, our roadways, our airports. You come into La Guardia Airport, it’s like we’re in a third world country. You look at the patches and the 40-year-old floor. They throw down asphalt, and they throw."

Remember the very first thing Trump said? that the A/C was broken in his own building? So while he might be able to do it fast and cheap.....well clearly as he himself has proven....you'll get what you pay for

"You look at these airports, we are like a third world country. And I come in from China and I come in from Qatar and I come in from different places, and they have the most incredible airports in the world. You come to back to this country and you have LAX, disaster. You have all of these disastrous airports. We have to rebuild our infrastructure.".

You know, its kinda weird how much time Trump is spending in the Middle East and in China given how much he keeps suggesting those who do buiness with those people are destroying this country.....

'Save Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security without cuts. Have to do it.

Get rid of the fraud. Get rid of the waste and abuse, but save it. People have been paying it for years. And now many of these candidates want to cut it. You save it by making the United States, by making us rich again, by taking back all of the money that’s being lost.

Renegotiate our foreign trade deals.

Reduce our $18 trillion in debt, because, believe me, we’re in a bubble. We have artificially low interest rates. We have a stock market that, frankly, has been good to me, but I still hate to see what’s happening. We have a stock market that is so bloated.

Be careful of a bubble because what you’ve seen in the past might be small potatoes compared to what happens. So be very, very careful.

And strengthen our military and take care of our vets. So, so important.

Sadly, the American dream is dead.

But if I get elected president I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again.

Thank you. Thank you very much."You know you can almost see the mental talking points checklist going through Donalds head here. "Shit did I mention saving medicare? Check, the Debt? Check, the Military....I dont remember so fuck it, lets say it again....Check.

But as my final thought I just want to say. No, Mr. Trump THANK YOU, thank you for all the material you will be giving me and everyone else in the world who thinks your a joke (but then I repeat myself) over the upcoming year.

My only regret is that NOTHING I or anyone else ever comes up with will trump (pun not intended) this:

(just you know, in case you forgot why trump changed his mind about running last time)