Lets talk Turkey.

So I believe at this moment, two of America's biggest jail birds are duking it out to win a presidential pardon for their crimes most fowl.  

And who you may ask are these two bird brained felons? why its cobbler and gobbler, this years thanksgiving turkeys.

That's right people, here in the good ol' US of A we pardon livestock simply for the "crime" of not being humans. Usually I believe bestowing rights/things usually only given to human's on animals is behavior reserved for the crazy cat lady who lives down the street (any street really, cause we all have one near by).

yet somehow once a year, the American Public decides the proper role for the President is to impersonate the crazy cat lady, and give presidential pardons to livestock.

Too be fair though, what do you expect with a totally invented holiday we made up to reflect american values?

Now what do I mean by an invented holiday?. Well the origins of Thanksgiving trace back to the early 16th century, or 1578, or 1607, or 1619, or 1621, or 1671, or 1777, or 1789, or 1817, or 1863, or 1939, or 1941, or 1956 depending on how you chose to define it.

"Thanksgivings" started as days of prayer that were held year round pretty much as needed, and possibly multiple times per year. The first of these thanksgivings in this hemisphere was likely held by the Spanish sometime in the 16th century. The first "thanksgiving" in the anglo-american world was likely held in Nunavu Canada, by an explorer named Martin Frobisher, looking for the fictional (but at the time believed to be real) Northwest Passage. He got lost, found an Island, went a shore and thanked God he wasnt dead, then promptly booked it back to England. The first thanksgiving held in (what is now) the united states was held by Jamestown settlers in 1607. From that the first formally decreed and annual held thanksgiving was held at the town of Berkeley Hundred, whos first setters had written into its charter that the anniversary of their arrival was to be "a day of thanksgiving" every year on December 4th.

1621 is the Thanksgiving most people know about, with the pilgrims and all that. But heres the odd part, by the standards of the time, it was not actually a "thanksgiving" which was a day of fasting prayer and meditation, but was in fact a "Harvest Feast" tradition that dated back at least several hundred years, in which the days after a successful harvest would be followed by days of feasting. In the case of the 1621 harvest feast, the eating lasted 3 days, and unlike modern thanksgivings was likely held in august or September. (and for the record was not called thanksgiving by the participants, and also no turkey.)

1671 was the first Thanksgiving annually proclaimed by any type of government (and not by charter), in this case the town of Charleston Massachusetts, who declared it to be June 29th. Like most thanksgivings up to this point, it was once again a day of fasting and prayer.  The first "national" proclamation of thanksgiving occurred almost a century later when in 1777 the first Continental Congress issued a proclamation on December 18th, celebrating the new nations recently declared independence. The nations first president would later declare the first truly national thanksgiving in 1789. However the tradition was not followed by most of his successors or Washington himself for that matter, and when it was was almost never in the fall.

1817 would see the first official annual declaration of thanksgiving by a state (NY) and most other states soon followed suit.....although all on different days.

1863 would be the establishment of anything modern Americans would likely recognize as Thanksgiving. With the civil war raging, President Lincoln was looking for a way to unite the Union around a spirit of national identity. But unlike previous thanksgivings, Lincoln choose instead to make this one about reflecting on the national unity of the US and the gifts bestowed upon it by god, citing the 1621 "thanksgiving" as an example both of the gifts and of the power of working together (although Lincoln himself called only for a day of prayer). Since 1863 thanksgiving has been celebrated annually, usually on the last Thursday of November as Lincoln did, however as there was still no national identity for thanksgiving (no feast basically) the timing still varied in many states, as did the activities, although those would unofficially "normalize" and resemble the modern thanksgiving over the next 50 years, with feasting replacing prayers.

In 1939, then-President Roosevelt declared the second to last Thursday as thanksgiving (although he did declare the 4th Thursday, that year November had 5 Thursdays  normally in that situation the 5th would have been declared), specifically because by that point the tradition of not offering christmas deals until after thanksgiving had emerged and he believed the extra week of Christmas shopping would help get the country out of the Great Depression, thereby creating Black Friday. The Following year, he once again declared the second to last, rather then the last Thursday as Thanksgiving, again for the same reason.

by 1941 congress had had enough of FDR's date swapping and passed the first ever law about thanksgiving, which (including an amendment in 1942) finally fixed the 4th Thursday of November as thanksgiving no matter how many Thursdays November had, and made it a holiday in the process. However some states continued to hold their own separate thanksgivings until 1956, the first fully national thanksgiving.

Now what about the Turkey Pardon itself? we've mentioned both prayer and feasting, and even Black Friday but so far no Turkey Pardon. That's because even by 1956, it didnt exist. In fact of all the thanksgiving "traditions" it is by far the newest, in fact its younger then I am.

Although their are rumors and misinformation about the Pardon dating back to Lincoln, the first "official  pardon" was intended as a joke by President Reagan in 1987. it would be his successor George H.W. Bush who made it a yearly tradition in 1989. While its true President Kennedy did spare a turkey (responding to a sign around the turkey's neck) it was neither a pardon or even an annual event. In fact several presidents who followed Kennedy (notably Eisenhower) would eat the turkey's they were presented with.

So basically it's only since 1989 that we have expected our presidents to be Crazy Cat Lady's, and to be honest if all it was the pardoning ceremony it wouldn't be that bad, but the truth is, its getting a little out of hand.

See the current turkey's (and many of the predecessors) were raised from birth to be pardoned, and as a result have gotten special training and diets (to former to handle crowds the latter to look "impressive") since birth. They have also spent the last week living in a 5 star hotel (as is tradition), and after their pardon will be sent to Disney land/Disney world (although to be fair Obama has opted to send the last two pairs to Mt. Vernon) to live out the rest of their days.

To be fair, at least 1 of our founding fathers likely would have approved of this, Ben Franklin did want the Turkey and not the Bald Eagle to be the national bird (now think about how that would  have changed the symbolism of thanksgiving :p ), but outside of him, I think most founders (and people who werent used to it) would just find it kinda weird

So basically yea, today we celebrate the newest tradition we invented for our invented holiday. Taking birds we raised from birth to be privileged, checking them into a 5-star hotel, pardoning them for being birds, and then send them to Disney.....you know what, now that I think about it, that actually IS a reflection of current american values so maybe my criticisms were too harsh.

So with that new insight in mind: Welcome to America, where this country really is for the birds, and we actually have flown the coup. And now I need to stop squawking cause I'm out of puns, and honestly it's lunch time so I need to gobble up some food.

Happy Thanksgiving!