First up this time, Kim Davis' long lost cousin (not really) Hamilton County Tennesee Chancellor (read: Judge) Jeffrey Atherton.
Like Ms. Davis, Mr Atheron is clearly against the idea of gays getting married. However unlike Ms. Davis the Judge isnt actually stopping gay people from marrying....he actually has no legal problem with that it seem.
No see to Judge Atheron, gay marriage isnt a threat to straight marriage....its a threat to straight divorce. Per the judges ruling denying a heterosexual couple a divorce:
"The conclusion reached by this Court is that Tennesseans have been deemed by the U.S. Supreme Court [in the gay marriage case] to be incompetent to define and address such keystone/central institutions such as marriage, and, thereby, at minimum, contested divorces,"
Specifically the Judge says, what he's confused about is "when a marriage is no longer a marriage" and he needs the supreme court to clarify.
Which is especially odd given that, in the entire history of this country, there has never EVER been a supreme court case about when a marriage ends (or begins for that matter). It ends as it always has....when the government grants recognition of it (and when needed mediates any financial or child care related issues).
Oddly I hear the same Judge has also disallowed burials because the Supreme Court case Glossip v. Gross, dealing with the legality of the drugs used to carry out executions has left him confused as to when death begins. (I'm kidding....and the fact that I probably do have to clarify that is just sad)
Next up, the increasingly irrelevant Gov Scott Walker, who is attempting to run for president, but has hit some problems....mostly related to the fact that his usual campaign strategy of illegally stealing the election isnt working this time, mostly because all of his experienced aids are in jail (for having stolen all of his previous elections). Meaning that, this time, Walker was to run on political skill and talent. And as we pointed out last time....he's kinda short of both.
Alright so last time around he took all 4 sides of a 2 sided issue, this time around he has finally come up with a way to avoid that in the future. See Walker was recently asked what the US should do about the current refugee crisis, his reply:
“I’m not president today, and I can’t be president today. Everybody wants to talk about hypotheticals; there is no such thing as a hypothetical.”
Sadly this new position means we cant ask him questions like "Why do you want to be president?" "What are your goals as president?" "what would your policy positions be as president?" because these are all hypothetical's...on the upside we can still ask him when he wants to drop out cause thats not a hypothetical thats inevitable.
BREAKING NEWS INTERRUPTION:
I have just received word, that in typical Walker fashion, Scott Walker has flip flopped on his position on non existence of a hypothetical and has instead deiced they do exist and can be answered, so his new and current (at least as of 1130 am September 13th 2015, it may have changed by the time you read this) position on refugees is "No, we shouldn't be taking on any more Syrian refugees right now"
Still credit where its due, Walker held to his first position for 2 whole days, which I believe is a personal record for him......
WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED WEEK IN STUPID.
Next up presidential candidate, newly arrived from the kids table debates, Carly Fiorina. Who recent said this about fellow candidate Jeb Bush giving some campaign speeches in spanish:
"I admire the fact that Jeb Bush is multilingual, I admire the fact that so many people are multilingual. And I also think that English is the official language of the United States.”
Unfortunately thinking doesnt make it true........I mean I think theres a couple of girls who should sleep with me right now, and oddly my bed is empty at the moment.
But theres an upside, even if by some miracle Fiorina becomes president, we wont have to worry about her attempting to make a national langauge (like many in her party want) cause she'll think its already been done.
All we got to do now is convince her abortion is illegal, iran's been bombed, and gays cant marry and we will have a republican president democrats will love.....
By the way, Mrs. Fiorina isnt the only republican to kinda fuck up the national language. Enter Sarah Palin:
“When you’re here, let’s speak American… I took Spanish in high school, I took French in high school. I got em all mixed up,"
Actually, to be fair, this explains a lot. See I have never really understood about 95% of what Sarah Palin says, and now realizing thats cause I speak English, not American. Presumably the 5% I do understand is due to some cognate words between the two langues.
Speaking of Mrs. Palin by the way, she gets another entry here as well. This time for her desire to have a cabinet level job in Donald Trump's cabinet.
“I think a lot about the Department of Energy, because energy is my baby, oil and gas and minerals, those things that God has dumped on this part of the earth for mankind's use instead of us relying on unfriendly foreign nations, for us to import their -- their resources, I think a lot about the Department of Energy. And if I were head of that, I'd get rid of it, And I'd let the states start having more control over the lands that are within their boundaries and the people who are affected by the developments within their states. So, you know, if I were in charge of that, it would be a short-term job, but it would be a -- it would be really great to have someone who knows energy and is pro-responsible development to be in charge."
Except for one small problem. Literally NOTHING Sarah Palin mentioned, importing resources, state control of land, development of land, oil, gas, minerals ect, is under the preview of the Department of Energy.......They are ALL under the department of Interior (specifically the Bureau of Land Management).
Also, a cabinet security doesnt have the authority to disband their department....that would require an act of congress.
All of which suggests that, despite saying twice how much she thinks about the department of energy,shes still not actually thinking.
By the way, speaking of Mrs. Palin, shes actually indirectly involved in our next item as well, however this is a totally different kind of stupid...one I actually approve of.
So I noted in my post on the Mt. Denali (formally McKinley) renaming just how god damn illogical it was to name a mountain after a guy who had nothing to do with the state. Well it seems some people have gotten together to push back against the Republican outrage on the name change (outrage centered in McKinley's home state of Ohio), and well their push back is kinda awesome. They have posted a petition on the White House website for a name change to yet another mountain:
"We the people would like to rename Ohio's highest peak "Mount Sarah Palin."
Located 50 miles from Columbus in Bellefontaine, Ohio and towering over the Buckeye State at 1,550 feet, Campbell Hill is a testament to the men and woman who strived to reach its well manicured, landscaped peak, some never to return
We propose to change the name of Campbell Hill to honor Alaska's most famous governor, Sarah Palin.
If the people of Ohio feel it is their right to name Alaska's highest mountain, then it would only be fitting for Alaska to rename Ohio's highest peak."
This is perfect "revenge" that is equally (and intentionally) as stupid as the thing its protesting. Well done Alaska, well done. (by the way, if you would like to sign the petition go here). This is the kind of stupid we need more of.
Or well done to most Alaskans anyways. We turn now to the 4th and final time this go around to something Palin related. However this time its not Sarah but her equally as moronic daughter Bristol:
This was Bristol Palin's reaction to the renaming of Denali:
"By the way, no one is buying the 'Denali is what the Alaskans have called it for years' line. I’ve never called the mountain Denali .. and neither does anyone I know ... It's Mt. Mckinley [sic] … It always has been and always will be to most of us."
So NO ONE Bristol knows calls it Denali...ok.
Actually, rather than do this myself, I outsource my response and bring in a special guest to reply. So here's our Special Guest in there response to Bristol
" What an absolutely beautiful day it is, and it is my honor to speak to all Alaskans, to our Alaskan family this last time as your governor. And it is always great to be in Fairbanks. The rugged rugged hardy people that live up here and some of the most patriotic people whom you will ever know live here, and one thing that you are known for is your steadfast support of our military community up here and I thank you for that and thank you United States military for protecting the greatest nation on Earth. Together we stand.
And getting up here I say it is the best road trip in America soaring through nature's finest show. Denali, the great one, soaring under the midnight sun."
That, for those who dont recognize it, is the opening to the resignation speech given by Bristol's mother Sarah Palin.
Well shit, thats awkward.....Then again, this is coming from a woman who is currently pregnant with her second child from her second baby daddy who is most known for being against pre marital sex, so maybe we shouldnt be surprised the words coming out of her mouth have no relation to reality.....
But we turn now from the Palin Family to our winner for dumbest son of a bitch of the week (at least) Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee.
Huckabee is, at the moment well known for being a HUGE supporter of Kim Davis, since he kinda hates everyone (having a long history of racist and homophobic comments).
Now here is his justification that Kim Davis is correct in her assumption she doesnt have to marry gays (or straights apparently) as given to talk show host Michael Medved:
“I’ve been just drilled by TV hosts over the past week, ‘How dare you say that, uh, it’s not the law of the land?’ Because that’s their phrase, ‘it’s the law of the land.’ Michael, the Dred Scott decision of 1857 still remains to this day the law of the land which says that black people aren’t fully human. Does anybody still follow the Dred Scott Supreme Court decision?”
Oh.....my....god, I cant even.......He cant possible be that fucking stupid can he? he mispoke or he was drunk or something right???
Nope. he doubled down a couple days later on ABC's this week
“So, I go back to my question, is slavery the law of the land, should it have been the law of the land because Dred Scott said so? “Was that a correct decision? Should the courts have been irrevocably followed on that? Should Lincoln have been put in jail? Because he ignored it. That’s the fundamental question.”
Actually in Huckabullshit's defense we have already well established he hasnt actually read the 14th amendment given his stand on abortion and his belief that the amendment covers fetuses (which it does not, and in fact explicitly excludes)
Meaning that its actually possible Huckabee really doesnt know that the 14th amendment over turned Dred Scott. Once again, for what is way too many times (however I have to keep doing it, as the GOP hasnt read it yet), the 14th amendment:
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside[...]
This is directly overturning the Dred Scott decision that some people born here (namely those of African decent) have no rights and are not citizens.
And actually its not just the 14th the Huckster hasnt read....it seems, based on his second set of comment/the ones about lincoln, he may in fact never have never heard of the 13th amendment either.
That being the one that says "Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction"
And keep in mind, this guy could be the next president of the United States, and he still thinks slavery is legal, black folks have no rights, and it is only through the benevolence of white folk (presumably) that we allow them to appear to have equal rights and freedom.
Now there is a small silver lining here. Huckabee entered the first republican debate in 4th place. He's going to enter the next one in 7th, and averaging in polls conducted after the deadline for the second debate would drop him even further to 8th. Meaning that, it appears possible we have finally found a candidate that is actually too stupid for even republicans to support him.
Course on the other hand, Trumps numbers are still going up....so its actually possible Huckabee is actually just being out stupided and out racist and thats why his numbers are crashing.....
For the sake of American....lets all hope for the optimistic possibility on this one.
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