Except of course it WASNT actually the first debate at all, it was the second.
The first debate was actually held a few hours before at 5pm, but because we are using Republican math (in which pretty infamously if youve ever read one of their budgets, numbers dont actually have meaning and are usually made up) we collectively decided the first debate doesnt actually count.
Now originally the idea behind splitting the debates was that only the serious candidates who had a chance to win would be in the 9pm debate, and all the crazy people would be in the 5pm one.
However whoever set this up decided to use polling to determine who was considered crazy and who has a chance to win.....which is a problem as the Republican base LOVES crazy.
This is how the first debate (the one that didnt "count") ended up featuring the three republicans who are likely the most aligned with mainstream america (Gov Pataki, Gov Gilmore and Senator Graham), 2 people previously anointed savoir of the republican party (Gov Perry, Gov Jundal) and the runner up last time (Senator Santorum) and only one really "crazy unproven candidate" (Carly Fiorina)
Compared to the second debate of allegedly electable republicans.....in which 20% of the debaters had no political experience at all (Carson, Trump), another 20% face a year of stories in which their top aides are going to prison for corruption and fraud (Walker, Christie), another 20% are dogged by allegations of racism (Paul, Huckabee) and the remaining four consist of a guy no one has heard of (Kasich), a senator likely more hated by his own party then by Democrats (Cruz), the brother of a previous and unliked president who also may have been a war criminal (Bush) and this guy:
So yea, way to go with the whole "keeping national attention focused only on the electable candidates" there Republicans......
So yea as you might expect the First [Second] Republican Debate featuring the serious candidates* [*serious candidates not included] had a ton of great moments.....assuming your a democrat.
You could actually tell the debate was going to be off to a good start when the first question started this way:
"Gentlemen, we know how much you love hand-raising questions. So we promise, this is the only one tonight: the only one[...]"
Because the first thing you want to do right out of the box is remind people about this PR disaster from 4 years ago, that dogged the republicans ALL the way to election day:
So yea as you might expect the First [Second] Republican Debate featuring the serious candidates* [*serious candidates not included] had a ton of great moments.....assuming your a democrat.
You could actually tell the debate was going to be off to a good start when the first question started this way:
"Gentlemen, we know how much you love hand-raising questions. So we promise, this is the only one tonight: the only one[...]"
Because the first thing you want to do right out of the box is remind people about this PR disaster from 4 years ago, that dogged the republicans ALL the way to election day:
So yes, having successfully reminded people, less than a minute into the debate, that the Republican Party is insane and shouldnt be taken seriously, before even finishing the question, lets move on to the next highlight:
Moderator: Gentlemen, our first round of questions is on the subject of electability in the general election, and we start tonight with you, Dr. Carson.
You are a successful neurosurgeon, but you admit that you have had to study up on foreign policy, saying there’s a lot to learn.
Your critics say that your inexperience shows. You’ve suggested that the Baltic States are not a part of NATO, just months ago you were unfamiliar with the major political parties and government in Israel, and domestically, you thought Alan Greenspan had been treasury secretary instead of federal reserve chair.
Aren’t these basic mistakes, and don’t they raise legitimate questions about whether you are ready to be president?"
This is in fact the SECOND round of questions (the first being the hand raising question)....but again its republican numbering so hey..... Anyways how did the good doctor respond?
This is in fact the SECOND round of questions (the first being the hand raising question)....but again its republican numbering so hey..... Anyways how did the good doctor respond?
"CARSON: Well, I could take issue with — with all of those things, but we don’t have time.
But I will say, we have a debate here tonight, and we will have an opportunity to explore those areas, and I’m looking very much forward to demonstrating that, in fact, the thing that is probably most important is having a brain, and to be able to figure things out and learn things very rapidly."
Translation: "I could take issue with the idea I'm a moron, and prove I'm not, but we dont have time to do that in only two hours
That said I look forward to proving the most important thing in running for president is proving you have a brain.....which I already said would take too long for me to do."
By the way Dr. Carson was not the only one who had difficulty proving he had a functioning brain that night as Marco Rubio quickly one uped him in the "criminally stupid comment" department just moments later when he included this in an answer:
"Rubio: I would add to that that this election cannot be a resume competition. It’s important to be qualified, but if this election is a resume competition, then Hillary Clinton’s gonna be the next president, because she’s been in office and in government longer than anybody else running here tonight."
Translation: "Dear America, if you want the most qualified and experienced candidate vote for the democrat, if you want an unqualified moron, vote for us"
By the way expect to see that statement by Rubio in pretty much every single one of Hilary campaign ads from not to election day
Theres an additional level of stupid here too, in that Rubio is actually WRONG.
Ok so, Hilary was a US senator for 8 years, and then Secretary of State for 4. So thats a grand total of 12 years of being in some kind of political office.
Now I could point to Scott Walker, who was first elected in 1993 (to the state assembly), and has served in political office ever since, so he ties Mrs. Clintons record.
Or I could point to John Kasich, who was first elected in 1979 (state senate) and with the exception of a single year, served in office until 2001, then again since 2011, for a Clinton crushing total of 24 years.
But I think I would rather just point to Marco Rubio himself. Like Walker and Clinton, Rubio has been in elected office for 12 years......
Meaning Marco Rubio by his own standards should be just as qualified as Clinton based on length of service.....Except apprently even Marco Rubio understands no one wants to elect Marco Rubio, so fuck it he might as well endorse the Democrats since they will win anyways.
Moving on to the next awkward high light we come to Bush, Jeb Bush, who at one point said this:
"I’ve got a record in Florida. I’m proud of my dad, and I’m certainly proud of my brother. In Florida, they called me Jeb, because I earned it."
The fuck does that even mean? that you earned being called Jeb? thats your name you fucking moron.
Unless what you mean is they called you Jeb to avoid calling you Bush....you know to distance your self from the massive failures and baggage of your family (your brother mostly), which is kinda interesting because that seems to suggest that even you think the only chance you have to win is for Americans to forget who you are.....
Finally, after about an hour we reached the Social issues portion of the debate....which only lasted about 15 minutes...which is kinda telling, but hey at least the GOP clearly knows their weaknesses.....well except Mike Huckabee it seems. he gave this answer to a question about planned parenthood, which he turned into a question about abortion:
"A lot of people are talking about defunding planned parenthood, as if that’s a huge game changer. I think it’s time to do something even more bold. I think the next president ought to invoke the Fifth, and Fourteenth Amendments to the constitution now that we clearly know that that baby inside the mother’s womb is a person at the moment of conception.The reason we know that it is is because of the DNA schedule that we now have clear scientific evidence on. And, this notion that we just continue to ignore the personhood of the individual is a violation of that unborn child’s Fifth and 14th Amendment rights for due process and equal protection under the law. "
So the reason no other president has invoked the 14th and 5th amendment is because they have an ability Huckabee apparently lacks, they learned to read.
Specifically the 14th amendment in which reads as follows:
' All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."
Presumably the part they can read is the FIRST 3 WORDS, which specify Birth as one of the ways for these rights to attach.
Huckabee I guess gave up after the 2nd word......its was just too taxing for his tiny brain to keep going.
Next up, we get to foreign policy and Senator Ted Cruz:
Translation: "I could take issue with the idea I'm a moron, and prove I'm not, but we dont have time to do that in only two hours
That said I look forward to proving the most important thing in running for president is proving you have a brain.....which I already said would take too long for me to do."
By the way Dr. Carson was not the only one who had difficulty proving he had a functioning brain that night as Marco Rubio quickly one uped him in the "criminally stupid comment" department just moments later when he included this in an answer:
"Rubio: I would add to that that this election cannot be a resume competition. It’s important to be qualified, but if this election is a resume competition, then Hillary Clinton’s gonna be the next president, because she’s been in office and in government longer than anybody else running here tonight."
Translation: "Dear America, if you want the most qualified and experienced candidate vote for the democrat, if you want an unqualified moron, vote for us"
By the way expect to see that statement by Rubio in pretty much every single one of Hilary campaign ads from not to election day
Theres an additional level of stupid here too, in that Rubio is actually WRONG.
Ok so, Hilary was a US senator for 8 years, and then Secretary of State for 4. So thats a grand total of 12 years of being in some kind of political office.
Now I could point to Scott Walker, who was first elected in 1993 (to the state assembly), and has served in political office ever since, so he ties Mrs. Clintons record.
Or I could point to John Kasich, who was first elected in 1979 (state senate) and with the exception of a single year, served in office until 2001, then again since 2011, for a Clinton crushing total of 24 years.
But I think I would rather just point to Marco Rubio himself. Like Walker and Clinton, Rubio has been in elected office for 12 years......
Meaning Marco Rubio by his own standards should be just as qualified as Clinton based on length of service.....Except apprently even Marco Rubio understands no one wants to elect Marco Rubio, so fuck it he might as well endorse the Democrats since they will win anyways.
Moving on to the next awkward high light we come to Bush, Jeb Bush, who at one point said this:
"I’ve got a record in Florida. I’m proud of my dad, and I’m certainly proud of my brother. In Florida, they called me Jeb, because I earned it."
The fuck does that even mean? that you earned being called Jeb? thats your name you fucking moron.
Unless what you mean is they called you Jeb to avoid calling you Bush....you know to distance your self from the massive failures and baggage of your family (your brother mostly), which is kinda interesting because that seems to suggest that even you think the only chance you have to win is for Americans to forget who you are.....
Finally, after about an hour we reached the Social issues portion of the debate....which only lasted about 15 minutes...which is kinda telling, but hey at least the GOP clearly knows their weaknesses.....well except Mike Huckabee it seems. he gave this answer to a question about planned parenthood, which he turned into a question about abortion:
"A lot of people are talking about defunding planned parenthood, as if that’s a huge game changer. I think it’s time to do something even more bold. I think the next president ought to invoke the Fifth, and Fourteenth Amendments to the constitution now that we clearly know that that baby inside the mother’s womb is a person at the moment of conception.The reason we know that it is is because of the DNA schedule that we now have clear scientific evidence on. And, this notion that we just continue to ignore the personhood of the individual is a violation of that unborn child’s Fifth and 14th Amendment rights for due process and equal protection under the law. "
So the reason no other president has invoked the 14th and 5th amendment is because they have an ability Huckabee apparently lacks, they learned to read.
Specifically the 14th amendment in which reads as follows:
' All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."
Presumably the part they can read is the FIRST 3 WORDS, which specify Birth as one of the ways for these rights to attach.
Huckabee I guess gave up after the 2nd word......its was just too taxing for his tiny brain to keep going.
Next up, we get to foreign policy and Senator Ted Cruz:
Moderator:"[...]How would you destroy ISIS in 90 days?
CRUZ: Megyn, we need a commander in chief that speaks the truth. We will not defeat radical Islamic terrorism so long as we have a president unwilling to utter the words, “radical Islamic terrorism”.
When I asked General Dempsey, the chairman of the joint chiefs, what would be required militarily to destroy ISIS, he said there is no military solution. We need to change the conditions on the ground so that young men are not in poverty and susceptible to radicalization. That, with all due respect, is nonsense.
CRUZ: Megyn, we need a commander in chief that speaks the truth. We will not defeat radical Islamic terrorism so long as we have a president unwilling to utter the words, “radical Islamic terrorism”.
When I asked General Dempsey, the chairman of the joint chiefs, what would be required militarily to destroy ISIS, he said there is no military solution. We need to change the conditions on the ground so that young men are not in poverty and susceptible to radicalization. That, with all due respect, is nonsense.
It’s the same answer the State Department gave that we need to give them jobs. What we need is a commander in chief that makes — clear, if you join ISIS, if you wage jihad on America, then you are signing your death warrant. "
Changing things so people dont want to kill us? fuck that shit. What we really need is a magic phrase to call on, just saying that will give us massive powers just like this:
See what happens when your willing to yell out the right magic words....Unlike Obama.
Speaking of Obama, on to the achievement the GOP stupidly managed to get named after him in common parlance, assuring forever Obama will have a spot in the top 5 american presidents (as long as it works) Obamacare.
Moderator: Gentlemen, the next series of questions deals with ObamaCare and the role of the federal government.Mr. Trump, ObamaCare is one of the things you call a disaster. [...]Saying it needs to be repealed and replaced. [...] Now, 15 years ago, uncalled yourself a liberal on health care. You were for a single-payer system, a Canadian-style system.
Why were you for that then and why aren’t you for it now?
TRUMP: First of all, I’d like to just go back to one. In July of 2004, I came out strongly against the war with Iraq, because it was going to destabilize the Middle East. And I’m the only one on this stage that knew that and had the vision to say it. And that’s exactly what happened.
Speaking Obamacare and other similar programs, we turn now to the entitlements part of the debate, and the single shocking moment of sanity thus far, coming from of all people Mike Huckabee
"Well, you ask about how we fund it. One of the reasons that Social Security is in so much trouble is that the only funding stream comes from people who get a wage. The people who get wages is declining dramatically. Most of the income in this country is made by people at the top who get dividends and — and capital gains."
I actually DONT have a joke here. I'm thrilled at least one republican is willing to admit the problem here....that we dont tax the ways the richest people in this country make money, which forces the bottom to pay for many of the benefits the top gets.
perhaps Mr. Huckabee has a solution for how he's going to fix this?
"The Fair Tax transforms the process by which we fund Social Security and Medicare because the money paid in consumption is paid by everybody, including illegals, prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers, all the people that are freeloading off the system now,"
Aw fuck, god damn it, you were THIS CLOSE, THIS FUCKING CLOSE TO ACTUALLY HAVING A GOOD IDEA AND A GOOD PLAN. Then you have to go and mention taxing Pimps and Prostitutes, as a solution for not taxing the rich enough, instead of you know taxing the rich.
Either that or you think Prostitutes make most of their money through investments and capital gains, which suggests a shocking lack of understanding of what exactly prostitutes do for a living.....
Anyways following Huckabee's shocking admission he doesnt know what the worlds oldest profession is actually all about, the debate pivoted to its second and final 10 minutes on social issues, just enough time to prove the Huck doesnt stand alone on abortion stupid, he has company, starting with Donald Trump who was asked:
"Mr. Trump, in 1999, you said you were, quote, “very pro- choice.” Even supporting partial-birth abortion. You favored an assault weapons ban as well. In 2004, you said in most cases you identified as a Democrat. Even in this campaign, your critics say you often sound more like a Democrat than a Republican, calling several of your opponents on the stage things like clowns and puppets. When did you actually become a Republican?
TRUMP: I don’t think they like me very much. I’ll tell you what. I’ve evolved on many issues over the years. And you know who else has? Is Ronald Reagan evolved on many issues.
And I am pro-life. And if you look at the question, I was in business. They asked me a question as to pro-life or choice. And I said if you let it run, that I hate the concept of abortion. I hate the concept of abortion. And then since then, I’ve very much evolved.
And what happened is friends of mine years ago were going to have a child, and it was going to be aborted. And it wasn’t aborted. And that child today is a total superstar, a great, great child. And I saw that. And I saw other instances.
And I am very, very proud to say that I am pro-life."
So, according to Donald Trump his view on abortion changed when he discovered Fetuses could become people. Apprently he was unaware of the connection between fetuses and people until some point after 2004. Which means that Trump, who would have been 58 in 2004, apparently was into his SIXTIES before he learned that storks dont pluck babies out of cabbage patches and leave them on your door step.
By the way, I teach 3 year olds for a living, and even they realize that they were in mommy's "belly" at some point.....which puts their understanding at least 6 decades ahead of a man running for president of the United States.
By the way, at this point in the debate we are minutes away from the end, and you may have noticed a lot of names havnt come up that often so far.....and your not alone, as this amusing exchange occurred following a question on national security
"Moderator: Governor [Christie], thank you.
Ted Cruz: Brett, can I — Brett, can I jump in on this one?
Moderator: Senator, we’re going to finish up with some more questions, thank you."
Now Ted Cruz actually had a point here to his interruption, in the debate, which had gone almost 2 hours at this point, he had been called on exactly 3 times. So he was you know, actually trying to participate.....only to be told by the moderator to sit down and shut the fuck up, dont you know this debate is suppose to focus on those who might actually be able to win....and Donald Trump.
Seriously, I dont actually recall another debate in which a candidate had to make justified call for attention....and then get shot down by the moderator. But I guess thats one way to try to stop the shit show from going off the rails anymore than it already had.....
Anyways we return to the Debate, and the last question, which went a little something like this:
"In our final moments here together, we’re going to allow the candidates to offer their final thoughts. But first, we want to ask them an interesting closing question from Chase Norton on Facebook, who wants to know this of the candidates: “I want to know if any of them have received a word from God on what they should do and take care of first.”"
Translation: "Dear Republican Candidates, are you actually fucking crazy enough to think God talks to you directly?"
Or to put it another way, does this song apply to any of you guys?
"Well, first, let me say I think God has blessed us. He has blessed the Republican Party with some very good candidates. The Democrats can’t even find one."
Which is a little weird coming from the same guy who like an hour ago suggested that if you wanted to vote for the most qualified candidate in the race you should vote for Hilary Clinton.
So he either forgot while standing on the stage who's running for president, or he doesnt know Hilary's a Democrat....I just hope his aid's are standing by with a mp3 he can listen too on a loop reminding him to breath...you know just in case he forgets that too.
And then, finally at long last, we moved on to the closing statements....which to be honest were pretty unremarkable....except for the moderator's of all people who's "closing statement" might be worth mentioning:
"Are you relieved? You were nervous before, they — they don’t look relieved. They look “get me outta here. Thank you all very much, and that will do it for the first Republican primary debate night of the 2016 presidential race. Our thanks to the candidates, who will now be joined by their families on stage.”
"Are you relieved? You were nervous before, they — they don’t look relieved. They look “get me outta here. Thank you all very much, and that will do it for the first Republican primary debate night of the 2016 presidential race. Our thanks to the candidates, who will now be joined by their families on stage.”
Translation: Ladies and genlemen your so called "serious republican candidates" all of whom look like the want to run away and hide, having realized they all collectively made asses of themselves. But hey we will see you next time, when they can do it all over again and dig those holes even deeper.
By the way, for my more curious readers, you may have noticed the lack of commentary on Walker, Paul, Christie and Kasich in these highlights. Thats because none of these guys really said anything that matters.....except for Christie who lied about being appointed attorney general the day before 9/11, but thats getting enough attention on its own that I didnt want to go off on a tangent about it here.
Of course in a contest like this, in which the idea is to avoid being the lowest common denominator, having not made the high light reel is likely a good sign. Which means I suppose I have to declare the winners of First/Not first Republican debate to be Rand Paul, Scott Walker and John Kasich.....but thats only because I dont want to confuse Marco Rubio anymore than he is by naming the real winner, Hilary Clinton, who now has conclusive proof she only really has to win the Democratic Primary this time to be a sure thing as president. (granted I dont expect her to win that primary, but President Sanders does have a nice ring to it)
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