Ok so I'm about to relate a story about the most traumatic experience of my life, or the life of any young man. (and one that I'm a little reluctant to share, since my mother occasionally reads my blog)
Now in my case, the week started like any other. It was a nice normal week, Except at some point I ran into a pretty girl and we got to talking, and talking led to kissing, and kissing lead to even more.
Which likely explains how it was, unexpectedly and completely out of the blue I found myself face to "face" with a vagina. And holy shit is that thing scary.
Dont get me wrong, I'd spent most of my teen's trying to get to this point, although the reason why I was supposed to want to get here had always eluded me. But suddenly BOOM there I was, and BOOM their is wasnt.
Cause yea, that was my first thought, "where the hell is it"? I mean I didnt know much about vagina's, although I'd heard a myth that every so often they randomly start bleeding. And some joker had even told me babies came out of there. So i gotta be honest, I'd been expecting something bigger. And preferably something that came with a map, or directions. I mean after all I didnt want to end up covered in blood. Didnt help the pretty girl was telling me I needed to find her clit, whatever the fuck that was. I mean hell I could barely see an opening, and now your telling me this thing has PARTS? And the thing is, I know the entire future of my dating life forever was riding on this moment.
Well lets flash forward a few years. Not surprisingly I'm single. And I still dont know what a clit is. In hindsight I think the whole thing was a massive joke that all of my friends were in on just to see how gullible I was. Clits dont exist, and their is no way a baby is coming out of a hole that small without magic, and anything that bleeds for that many days will die.
Luckily for the generations of Men yet to come, the republican party is here to protect us from women and their evil magic holes. Or at least one state is, Virginia (or whatever the eventually rename themselves too to avoid being confused with Vagina).
In 2003 the supreme court struck down all anti sodomy laws in the case Lawrence V Texas. Now it should be pointed out that legally sodomy is more then just Anal Sex. legally sodomy is any kind of genital contact with any other part of the another's body that isnt their genitals.
Since then it's been perfectly legal for any one to engage in any kind of sex, which as we all know led to the victimization of men such as myself as we got tricked over and over into finding ourselves with our heads between some girls legs trying to find the imaginary clit. The whole time our date was secretly laughing at us, knowing that we wont find it, and she could use that as an excuse to deny us sex, and refuse to return the favor even though we did pay for dinner AND the movie (not that I'm bitter or anything).
Except in Virginia.
See years ago Virginia a young state senator named Ken Cuccinelli, helped prevent changes to a law called the “Crimes Against Nature” statue, which reads as follows.
"If any person carnally knows in any manner any brute animal, or carnally knows any male or female person by the anus or by or with the mouth, or voluntarily submits to such carnal knowledge, he or she shall be guilty of a Class 6 felony."
Now the change State Senator Cuccinelli prevented would have added an exception for consenting adults who wanted to commit those acts with other consenting adults. And its a good thing too. I mean after all, I myself am living proof, consenting adults are stupid. I mean i did consent to find a body part (clit) that doesnt actually exist. And I mean I've also consented multiple times to putting my penis in a mouth filled with a lot of rather hard, sharp teeth, powered by the most powerful joint in the body.
What I'm saying is clearly I'm exercising poor judgement left and right here, and this is a place where the government really should step in to protect me from my own stupidity. Unlike the slut I knocked up a few years back. I mean she should have known the condom was gonna break so its totally her fault for getting preggers. She's not entitled to any protection for her stupidity, even if she did follow the law and refuse to take it in the butt.
Anyways now a days that state senator is now the Attorney General of the Great State of Virginia, and possibly their future governor as well . And he's back to leading the fight to make sure dicks only get stuck where Almighty God intended for them to go.
See as is actually somewhat common in these situations, the State of Virginia never actually repealed the “Crimes Against Nature” law following Lawrence they just stopped enforcing it, which usually has the same effect and is easier to do. Except AG Cuccinelli just added it on to the charges against a convicted pedophile, knowing full well that would cause the charge to be found unconstitutional, and there fore hopefully allow it to be appealed to the supreme court, and used to over turn Lawrence. Then we can all get back to having sex the way god intended (missionary) and be protected from our own stupidity.
Now of course the fact that, should Cuccinelli lose, he might accidentally free a pedophile isnt really that important. I mean after all, the two 17 year old skanks that got on their knees and blew him are themselves criminals (specifically a class 6 felon according to the Crimes Against Nature law). In other words, they both had it coming (pun not intended).
Plus really isnt winning a lifetime crusade worth the risk? especially for someone like Cuccinelli, who likely was himself a victim of either having his penis stuck between two rows of teeth, stuck going up a one way street or, like me, face down for several hours trying to find an invisible body part with his tongue.
After all when Mother Jones asked him "if Cuccinelli or anyone working for his campaign had ever engaged in any of the prohibited conduct and whether Cuccinelli would fire any campaign staff who had done so." He refused to answer the questions.
And good for him. I mean after all its really no one else's business what you stuck in/or have stuck in your mouth, anus or any other bodily orifice. So really he has no need to answer the question, its not like getting head from some hottie is a crime or anything.
No comments:
Post a Comment