Ann Coulter Hate-Vomits on soccer.

So for years now I've noticed that Ann Coulter, right wing talking head, gets outraged about the strangest shit. Like seriously shes ranted about Credit Card fraud being an immigration scheme to destroy us; Not exposing yourself to radiation is actually bad for you; Radiation is good for you hence why the government tells you not to do it;  God intended for man to "Rape" the earth, and we need to do as he suggests for the good of society (and yes that was her word of choice); How Jews need to be Christians to be good Jews; The fact that Princess Di was sleeping with men while unmarried mattered to her death; She once got off a plane upon learning the pilot was African american and female, because that might make her unqualified; We let Arabs on international flights; How we as Americans could benefit from more facism; and my personal favorite SHE has ranted about the fact that women are allowed to have opinions.

Now as I said, many of those topics are either fucking weird, make no sense, or seemingly irrelevant to anything. Yet Ann Coulter keeps making them. Now I think I have a theory. Ann Coulter is bulimic.

Now I know what your thinking, how would an eating disorder have anything to do with weird rants?
And well, see Ann Coulter isnt bulimic in the normal sense of the word.

Bulimic people, basically feel an urge to consume everything they can, followed by an urge to instantly expunge whatever they just consumed.

Now for most people, they consume food. My theory about Ann Coulter is that she literally consumes HATE. She's compelled build up outrage about everything, and once she reaches her [over]fill, like all bulimics she suddenly needs to rid herself of all her hate, so she Hate-Vomits on whatever it is she happened to see just prior to the urge. In her most recent bulimic episode, she happpened to see a story about the world cup, which then led to his article:

"I've held off on writing about soccer for a decade — or about the length of the average soccer game — so as not to offend anyone."

Yea, see we are one sentence in, and you can actually see the HATE hit blinding levels.

A soccer game lasts 90 minutes. Which is outrageous, I mean who can watch any one thing longer than an hour? Its completely American......just like baseball.

Oh wait....."American as Baseball" is an expression. But like I said, clearly Ms. Coulter just hit the end of her binge period. Which means to paraphrase Ned Stark "Brace yourselves, Hate-Vomit  is coming"

"But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation's moral decay."

BAAAAAAALLLGGGGGGHHHH

Oh god damn it, I got Hate-Vomit on my shoes....

"Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls — all in front of a crowd."

Soccer players of course NEVER miss a pass. Its freaky actually. Which ever team starts with the ball scores perfectly every single time.....which is of course why no one watches soccer.

"When baseball players strike out, they're standing alone at the plate. But there's also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks."
No glory in hitting a ball into a net of course. So fuck you hockey, fuck you lacrosse (oh hey another truly american sport). Oh and before I forget, fuck you guys on the offense and defense line in the NFL. You basically never even try to score you fucking pussies. Where's your sense of glory if you dont just all madly rush to the endzone. Fuck what happens to anyone else on the team that's THEIR problem.

"In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child's fragile self-esteem is bruised." 

Yea sports where no one scores SUCK. Like Hockey. It's average score is only 5 points. And Baseball, its average score is only 4 and a half.


Why cant they be REAL sports. You know like Football, in Football the average score is 21 bitches.

Of course in football you get basically 7 points per score, so that really works out to about 3

But hey, at least thats better than Soccer. They only score 2.6 points on average in soccer.....

"There's a reason perpetually alarmed women are called "soccer moms," not "football moms."
Well presumably that reason is because the Mom's think its safer. And it is, slightly. Football tends to rank somewhere in the 1-4 most dangerous (depending on how you define the term) sports, Soccer usually somewhere from 2-7. Of course Fencing tends to be in the mid 20's, so really if you want to keep your kid safe give them a sharp stick to play with.
But thats usually what happens when you attack a expression with "logic" demented or otherwise.

"Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. That's when we're supposed to go wild. I'm already asleep."

You know, I'm pretty sure that is EXACTLY how my mother described football to me once. And substitute field and ball for rink and puck, and you just described hockey to the uneducated.....

Hey wait, you dont think that could be the REAL problem here do you? that no one ever actually told Ann the rules do you?

Also I love the idea that a sport needs an MVP to be a real sport.....I dont think Boxing gives out MVP's

Also for the record:

Thats a soccer player holding an MVP award (from Major League Soccer) in 2009. So again, I'm starting to think Ann Coulter's real issue with soccer is that she doesnt know the rules, and too stupid to look them up on google.

"Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level"
Actually on this one Ann is right. If you dont believe me you can ask Shelly Osborne, the first female Defensive Back in college football.

And hell if we go back to kindergarden, im pretty sure I played basketball, baseball, kickball, soccer, ect with girls. hell they were even in my karate class.....I guess none of those are sports because at one level they used to be co-ed.

Which I think makes Pro wrestling the only serious sport in the world.

Oh wait....never mind.

"No other "sport" ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a World Cup game last week: "2nd period, 11 minutes left, score: 0:0." Two hours later, another World Cup game was on the same screen: "1st period, 8 minutes left, score: 0:0." If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he'd still be alive, although bored."

Well except for Boxing.....oh and Olympic Wrestling. Both of them actually have an entire second scoring system set up in case their is no clear winning.

And also, how exactly do soccer games never have missed passes like you claimed before, yet somehow neither team scores.....seems to me if you never miss that impossible.

And also if being in the second half without a score is a problem, i would suggest never watching the superbowl....just saying.

"Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties — and it's a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you."

Wow, thats a shitty ass football team. 6 guys on one player? jeeze what happens if the quaterback does his job and throws the ball to one of the guys NOT near the 300 pound players?

Maybe Coulters ignorance of sports rules goes father than soccer????

"The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare. As Lady Thatcher reportedly said after Germany had beaten England in some major soccer game: Don't worry. After all, twice in this century we beat them at their national game."

Because you cant humiliate yourself in soccer, right Ghana?

"Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it's not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box."
And no one has ever once been hurt playing soccer. its totally safe (if your squeamish i'd stop watching this around #4 If your my mother, I'd stop watching around #11, and its a Top Ten countdown)

 

I think I spyed a few ambulances carrying off the wounded....but I could be wrong......

"You can't use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them!"

 Wait opposable thumbs make us human?

I dont like to judge but that is a pair of some UGLY ASS HUMANS.

Now I would actually say what makes us Humans is our mind. And we've created entire careers where you dont need to use that (which is how Ann Coulter keeps her job). So why not a game that happens to have a added restriction built in?

Maybe Ann Coulter just hates a challenge? (like thinking)

" I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO's "Girls," light-rail, Beyonce and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is "catching on" is exceeded only by the ones pretending women's basketball is fascinating.


I note that we don't have to be endlessly told how exciting football is."

Wait we are being force-fed soccer? thats kinda weird I dont remember anyone inviting me to their "World Cup Party" or showing up to work in their favorite teams Jersey. I also have never once in my life been asked to join a "Fantasy Soccer League"

But Ann Coulter is right about one thing, we NEVER have to be told how exciting football is.

"It's foreign. In fact, that's the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not "catching on" at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it."

You know, I notice that the two sports Ann Coulter seems to point to the most as "real sports" football and basketball, seem to stereo-typically have a very high number of black players and audience

And one of her complaints here seems to be soccer isnt black enough.

Is it possible maybe that I misdiagnosed Ann Coulter? she may not be bulimic after all, maybe she just has a case of repressed jungle fever.

Someone should tell her its 2014, no one gives a fuck if she has a fetish for black guys. Come out of the closet Ann, be true to yourself. We wont judge you, I promise.

" Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it's European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren't committing mass murder by guillotine. Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to use centimeters and Celsius, ask any American for the temperature, and he'll say something like "70 degrees." Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he'll say it's about 200 miles. Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more "rational" than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man's thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That's easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?"

God damn it my school never forced me to use the metric system. Fucking lousy ass public schools, jipping me of a true educational experience.

Also, maybe I'm a freak, but my thumbs are slightly different sizes....so are my feet, and my belt size seems to change every month. Does that mean measurements change depending on which side of my body I'm on? Cool, cause I just turned right, which means the 200 miles to New York just got shorter. SWEET!

"Soccer is not "catching on." Headlines this week proclaimed "Record U.S. ratings for World Cup," and we had to hear — again about the "growing popularity of soccer in the United States."

The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women's World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC. (In soccer, the women's games are as thrilling as the men's.)"

For the record, i didn't fuck up the italics. That second paragraph proving the point shes upset about in the first paragraph is EXACTLY as written in her article. Truth be told she actually has two more paragraphs comparing soccer's audience to other sports, and how its catching up, but theres not much there thats funny and they are kinda dull and long so I left them out.

See this is how you can tell this is a full Hate-Vomit purge, she is spewing out both sides of an argument.

Anyways the good news is once your spewing both sides, your near the end of the Hate-Vomit, but the bad news is its just gets weirder from here

"If more "Americans" are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time."

Wait Ted Kennedy was president in 1965 and could pass laws? FUCK I totally missed that. Oh wait she means the bill was written by Kennedy, which is kinda weird because the only immigration bill I can find that passed in 1965 was called the Hart–Celler Act. I mean yea Kennedy voted for it, but so did 75 other senators and some 320 members of the House.

Now I do have to agree with Ann Coulter on one thing, No American, who I know, whose great grandfather was born here is watching Soccer. Now admittedly the only American I know who's great grandfather was born here is me. And I dont give a fuck about soccer, even though I did play it when I was younger.

Ironically though, it seems that Ann Coulter's great grandfather was born in Ireland. Which may explain why she seems to have such a hard time ignoring soccer.

It's just a shame that she cant seem to drop her fetish with soccer and as a result is ruining my country for us real American's. I know, we should deport her unamerican ass, with her foreign sport obsession, and get back to real 100% american sports, like Lacrosse.

Cause unlike Soccer you cant use your hands, you have to get a ball into a net, its a bunch of guys running up and down a field....

Anyways I've mentioned the word fetish in relation to Ann Coulter twice in this article. So I think I need a shower or 3 to wash away that disgusting feeling that combination brings up. So until next time...........GOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!!!!!