Get to know the GOP VP pick, Mike Pence.

Well I have to hand it to Donald Trump.....he's done the impossible, and found a running mate who might actually be MORE bat-shit crazy than he is, when he picked Indiana Gov and former member of congress Mike Pence to join the ticket.

Now to be fair, youd be well within your rights to have not even heard Trump made a VP selection, let alone never heard the name Mike Pence.

After all, in typical Trump fashion, Trump managed to botch the whole announcement.

So on Wednesday Trump announced that Friday he would announce his VP at a giant press conference at Trump Towers.

Then on Thursday, Trump said he would postpone the announcement to Saturday out of respect for the terrorist attack in Nice France.

This was followed by his campaign chairman saying "no never mind, we actually WILL be doing this on Friday"

This was followed by a campaign spokesman saying "no actually we are going to do this Saturday"

This was then followed by Trump confirming not only were they doing this Saturday, but he hadnt yet decided who the VP was going to be.

Which was then followed by the Donald Trump twitter account announcing Mike Pence as the VP Friday morning.

And then this was followed by the Trump Campaign announcing they would announce the VP pick at the press conference on Saturday.

At which point they re-announced Mike Pence as VP......finally.

Now if you havnt heard about Mike Pence before......youre likely in for a crash course. So with that in mind, here are the top 4 things you need to know about Mike Pence:

5) Doesnt know a damn thing about his OWN party's history...and I mean NOTHING!

So back when he was in congress Pence would post articles he wrote on his website from time to time, one of them, called "A Positive Attitude" ended with the following paragraph:

"The reason I am optimistic is, apart from God's sustaining grace, quite simple. Republicans from George Washington to George W. Bush just have better ideas. [...]"

Now anyone who passed 4th grade history knows that George Washington wasnt a Republican. Or a democrat. Or a Whig. Or a Federalist. Or a Democratic Republican. He was unaffiliated with ANY party and actually encouraged people to avoid them for the good of the country in his farewell address.

Furthermore anyone who passed 2nd grade history knows the first Republican President was Abe Lincoln...the 16th president of the United States.

1st Graders meanwhile know that Washington was the 1st president of the United States, and Kindergartners know that when you count, 16 comes long after 1.

Now to be fair to Mike Pence, I dont know if he is just really fucking bad at history, or never learned how to count. I suppose it could be either.

And before any of his supporters try to say he "mispoke" please recall I pulled that quote from a published article on his website......so he didnt mispeak, he wrote it down, reread it like, presumably had his staff read it, then posted it and was still this damn stupid.

4) Does not believe their is any actual evidence smoking is harmful.

Again quoting from his old congressional website:

"Time for a quick reality check. Despite the hysteria from the political class and the media, smoking doesn't kill. In fact, 2 out of every three smokers does not die from a smoking related illness and 9 out of ten smokers do not contract lung cancer. This is not to say that smoking is good for you.... news flash: smoking is not good for you. If you are reading this article through the blue haze of cigarette smoke you should quit. The relevant question is, what is more harmful to the nation, second hand smoke or back handed big government disguised in do-gooder healthcare rhetoric."
Now so far most of the media seems to only be covering the first two sentences and claiming Pence is against smoking. I included the rest, because I think it actually makes him look worse.

Ok so for starters lets take a look at his "support" for his claims. First, 2 out of 3 smokers doesnt die from smoking. Im going to assume that number was accurate in 2001, (though since pence said it it probably wasnt) when Pence wrote this.

Now 5 out of 6 russian roulette players dont die from a gunshot wound to the head. Meaning smoking is actually twice as likely to kill you as a game where you hold a partly loaded gun to your head and pull a trigger.

Also, can we name any other product in which 1/3rd of users winds up dead because of using it?
Drugs probably.........but weirdly those are illegal because they are dangerous.....and Pence doesnt really seem to mind that.

Second Pence says "9 out of 10 smokers dont get lung cancer". Well 9 out of 10 russian roulette players dont die from a bullet to the left side of the head either. Now thats because most people are right handed, so would be holding the gun against the right side of their heads......but we are just going to ignore that so we can focus on the stat that makes the game look safer.

Finally we get to the next 2 sentences


"This is not to say that smoking is good for you.... news flash: smoking is not good for you. If you are reading this article through the blue haze of cigarette smoke you should quit."


Why should I quit? as you yourself just pointed out......its not like its going to kill me. Like really, if its not going to kill me whats the problem with smoking as much as I want as often as I want?

Now of course what Mike Pence is really trying to say here is that smoking increases your risk of death tremendously, say from heart attack or stroke......but since he also wants to pretend that smoking probably wont kill you and lung cancer is all that matters, he's in a bind.

Hes also in a much bigger one, since this sentence makes clear he KNOWS what he just said about smoking not killing you it total and utter bullshit.

Also as a side note....since when is smoke blue? or a blue haze?.......Ive never seen blue hazy smoke.....though their IS a brand of weed known as blue haze. Mayhaps the governor knows more about that too that he's admitting?

Now finally the end Pence makes it clear why he intentionally lied to you about smoking not killing you.....Government. Cause he's against government in all forms....especially BIG government.....unless he's running it as my next two things to know will show.


3) Believes in state run Media.

All the way back in 2013, Mike Pence, then the new governor of Indiana, had a great idea to combat all the bad press he was getting for being out of his fucking mind.........create his own News service that would only report the news he wanted them to report. In fact the news service, called "Just IN" would be overseen by the press Secretary, and would have direct and exclusive access to the governors mansion.

Because you know, having the news story come directly from the subject of the story and filtered though that subjects staff ensures objective news, amirite?

Now maybe your wondering how Mike Pence could afford to do this, after all running a news organization is expensive. Well he couldnt. Which is where the Indiana Tax payer comes in. They were going to pay for the privilege of being given state run propaganda over news.

Sadly for Pence, and luckily for everyone else, the actual news got ahold of this story before he could get his state run media off the ground.....so as a result Pence backpeddled away from the idea and never got his chance to implement it.

2) Fetal Burial and disability.

Fun fact, it turns out theres another exception to Mike Pence's small government beliefs...vaginas. Specifically what goes in or comes out of them. See basically if you put a Penis in one, you are going to get a Pence in there too.

So as Govenor Mike Pence made Indiana one of the few states to require burial or cremation of fetal remains. The bill also made it illegal to get an abortion due to the fetus being disabled, up-to and including life threatening and non survivable disability's.

Oh and unlike the state run media he wanted to set up.....no taxpayers help on this one....so hopefully if you want an abortion your rich.

So yea, thanks to Mike Pence, in Indiana a terminal ill fetus must be carried to term, cause reasons. Then after having to endure the extra cost and health risks of carrying said fetus you have to bury it at your expense.....because you should have know better than to have sex....even if your married.

 Fun fact, that same bill also makes it illegal to get an abortion because of the babies race.  Because I guess in Mike Pence world, Race is a randomly assigned trait and sometimes a woman of one race will just randomly have a child of a totally different race for no reason and with no way to predict it.

Though to be fair, given his smoking beliefs, its not too shocking he doesnt understand science.

Now the only good news on this one, ironically thanks to Texas losing the recent supreme court case, this law was blocked from going into effect as it was viewed to be too similar to the texas law.

So thats a slight silver lining

1) Believes Mulan is out to brainwash you.

Ok first for those who dont know who or what Mulan is let me help you out:

Thats right, Mike Pence has a Disney movie conspiracy theory [from the column he wrote about it in 1999]: 

"Mulan is a fictional account of a delicate girl of the same name who surreptitiously takes her fathers place in the Chinese army in one of their ancient wars against the Huns. Despite her delicate features and voice, Disney expects us to believe that Mulan’s ingenuity and courage were enough to carry her to military success on an equal basis with her cloddish cohorts. Obviously, this is Walt Disney’s attempt to add childhood expectation to the cultural debate over the role of women in the military. I suspect that some mischievous liberal at Disney assumes that Mulan’s story will cause a quiet change in the next generation’s attitude about women in combat and they just might be right. "

Now not surprisingly at this point, Mike Pence fails world history almost as badly as he failed american history at the beginning of this list.

See Mulan predates Walt Disney.....by about One Thousand Three Hundred Years.

The character Mulan originates in the Ballad of Mulan, a Chinese story dating back to the 6th century, about a Hua Mulan, who does take her fathers place as a solider (so in fairness to Pence he got that part right).

Now Hua Mulan is not believed to have been a real person herself......but was allegedly modeled on the life of Fu Hao, a real Chinese princess turned military general from another One Thousand and Eight Hundred years before the Ballad of Mulan.

Meaning this piece of liberal propaganda, as Pence tries to claim it is, is actually older than Jesus by a good 1200 years or so.

Pence also believes he got one over on Disney, because according to him those incompetent jack asses totally missed how their movie actually disproves the very thing they created it out of thin air to prove...that women cant serve in the military. 

" It is instructive that even in the Disney film, young Ms. Mulan falls in love with her superior officer! Me thinks the politically correct Disney types completely missed the irony of this part of the story. They likely added it because it added realism with which the viewer could identify with the characters. You see, now stay with me on this, many young men find many young women to be attractive sexually. Many young women find many young men to be attractive sexually. Put them together, in close quarters, for long periods of time, and things will get interesting. Just like they eventually did for young Mulan. Moral of story: women in military, bad idea."

Man see how dumb those Disney folks are.....they totally missed something that destroyed a message Pence pretended the movie had so he could look Smart for once.

Who could have seen that coming?

though honestly I must admit, I'm still searching for the article Pence probably wrote accusing Joan of Arc of being a liberal time traveler sent back in time to trick people into thinking women could fight.

Though to be fair, as near as I can tell the only evidence Pence has that women cant fight is that they might have sex. I guess someone never told him "I'm a lover not a fighter" is a figure of speech and not an unalterable binary choice.

So yea, there you have it folks, a proper introduction to Mike Pence....and given how badly his running mate botched the VP announcement, likely the last proper introduction he's ever going to get.