So some of you may have heard of Dr. Keith Ablow. If not all you need to know is he's Fox News' resident on air psychiatrist. I dont mean he's the shrink the FOX guys go to, I mean he's the idiot they trot out anytime they want a psychiatrist to explain how getting your head that far up your own ass is actually the sign of a healthy mind.
Which is kinda ironic, given that if anyone in this world is a candidate for major mental help, its Dr. Ablow.
Among his "expert opinons" he's presented on FOX, he's probably most well known for: claiming, psychologically, Newt Gingrich's 3 marriages made him more qualified to be president than anyone who had only had one; and the world cup was a planned distraction by the Obama Administration so no one would notice Obama's failure in Ukraine. He's also made statements that waiting in line at the airport builds the mental discipline needed for a strong economy; that the uni-bomber might actually be on to something; and the color pink is responsible for the destruction of masculinity. Oh and also, transgender people dont actually exist, they are a myth made up by liberal educators.
Anyways he has just written his most recent column for FOX news, and honestly its kinda hilarious......if you like laughing at retarded people who publish columns for FOX news.....which I do.
His subject is on how to win the war on terror and get america back on the right track all in one fell swoop.
He begins.....
"Among the many definitions of jihad are a "war or struggle against unbelievers" and "a crusade for a principle or belief." Given those definitions, I believe it's time for an American jihad.
An American jihad would reawaken in American citizens the certain knowledge that our Constitution is a sacred document that better defines and preserves the liberty and autonomy of human beings than the charter of any other nation on earth."
Because apparently the Constitution has super powers. Its like a cross to a vampire.....if we just love it hard enough, it will create a super-shield and everything will be ok
"The Constitution, along with the miracle of our nation's founding and the providential history of America fighting and winning war after war against oppressive regimes, proves our manifest destiny not only to preserve our borders and safety and national character at home, but to spread around the world our love of individual freedom and insist on its reflection in every government."
Well the good news for the Catholic Church. Since the standard of miracle is now "shooting at people until they decide they have better things to do then shoot back....and were never fully committed to returning fire anyways" you can basically easily canonize whoever the fuck you want now. Like seriously guys, if it takes you more then 4 days to find the 2 miracles required to make whoever you want into a saint, your doing it wrong by these standards.
I also kinda like the opposing messages here.
On the one hand, we oppose oppressive regimes that force their beliefs down peoples throats. So we are going to end them by forcing our beliefs down peoples throats.....
"An American jihad would embrace the correct belief that if every nation on earth were governed by freely elected leaders and by our Constitution, the world would be a far better place. And an American jihad would not only hope for this outcome, but work toward it."
Translation" An American Jihad believes that if only every nation on earth did what we told them to do we would find we liked them better......
"We would begin at home, as every great world movement does. We would not only allow, but teach, Americans — including American children — to internalize and project their justifiable feelings of pride in our democracy as superior to all other forms of government."
Oh god damn it, who wants to explain to the good doctor we arnt actually a Democracy?
But hey I'm glad he's proud of the government he doesnt have.......
"In grade schools we would teach the truth that the founding of our nation and its survival in the face of communism and fascism weren’t just good luck or good planning, but preordained by our commitment to the truth about the essential nature of man."
That truth being unstated....because you know even he has no idea what he's talking about.
"And we would embrace the certain knowledge that history will eventually spread our values all over the globe"
Because you know, again, we HATE oppressive regimes that do that, and need to take a stand against them.
"We would tie American aid to incremental changes not just in the attitudes, but in the fundamental structures, of countries. These changes would move those countries, slowly but inexorably, toward reflecting our Constitution in their own charters"
Because like any good oppressive regime, we are going to tell the poor, sick, needy ect to fuck off and die quickly unless their leaders (who likely arnt poor, sick or needy) capitulate to our demands.
"We would unabashedly fund pro-democracy movements around the world, partly with government funding and partly with donations from American citizens. Through these donations we would seek to double the budgets of the CIA and our Special Forces, seek to fund an international mercenary force for good and provide our veterans unparalleled health care."
Hmm, donations that fund the CIA and the Military? I believe those are called TAXES you fucking moron.
Although credit where its due....the term "donations" does at least sound more patriotic......
"We would urge our leaders, after their service in the U.S. Senate and Congress, to seek dual citizenship in other nations, like France and Italy and Sweden and Argentina and Brazil and Germany, and work to influence those nations to adopt laws very much like our own. We might even fund our leaders' campaigns for office in these other nations."
Ah so lets see, we are apparently going to add a requirement to the "Sacred" text of the "perfect" Constitution requiring only US citizen's with single country citizenship can be in the congress...
But hey I guess even sacred texts have a few typos. (no one tell the members of congress with dual citizenship......Ted Cruz looking at you)
Also I like the idea we are going to show our respect for liberty by taking a dump on other countries laws......
"We would accept the fact that an American jihad could mean boots on the ground in many places in the world where human rights are being denigrated and horrors are unfolding."
Because hey, nothing says respecting human rights in fear free ways then american martial law enforced by guys with guns.
But in fairness to Dr. Ablow, our strategy of interfering with guns because its possible horrors are unfolding did bring us a stable and threat free Iraq........
"Because wherever leaders and movements appear that seek to trample upon the human spirit, we have a God-given right to intervene — because we have been to the mountaintop of freedom, and we have seen the Promised Land spanning the globe."
Oh for fucks sake.....who wants to tell the good doctor that the Promised Land is literally a term for Israel?
Because his plan for American Jihad now seems to be
1) force american culture and government down everyones throats.
2) to prove the supremacy of american cluture and government, as soon as we get done, set up a totally different culture and government (israel) to run the damn world.
I'm just saying....you'd think that would run contrary to his point.....but I assumed he had a working mind.....my mistake.
"An American jihad would never condone terrorist acts of violence against our adversaries or the targeting of people simply because their beliefs are different from ours.
Wait a minute we WONT be targeting people who's beliefs are different then ours? cause like seriously up to that sentence thats been the WHOLE FUCKING POINT of your article.
I guess the Jihad's off....everybody go home......
"But for those who malignantly demonstrate their intentions to subjugate others, there would be no quarter."
Because only WE are allowed to do that????? Cause again thats kinda the idea your pushing here.
Good News is: Dont leave yet guys the Jihad is ON!
"An American jihad would turn back and topple the terrible self-loathing in our citizens set in motion by President Obama, beginning with his "apology tour” — a psychological plague. It would make American pride not only acceptable, but celebrated, again. And, remember, American pride is nothing more than being proud to support truths that are self-evident, irreducible, elemental and inevitable"
Actually, to be honest, I kinda agree with Doctor Ablow on this one. See the Obama "Apology Tour" never actually happened. (do you think if it had it wouldnt have been in EVERY campaign ad of 2010, 2012 and 2014?). In fact the Obama "Apology Tour" is basically a plague the right wing collective psychologically infected themselves with and like most psychological problems is the sign of a deceased mind and someone who may need professional help.....
"An American jihad would make every tax dollar a tithing and the squandering of those dollars a sin."
Wait, before you said they would be "donations", now suddenly taxes are tithes?
Actually to be fair, it doesnt really matter since the definition of tithes is basically "a tax"
"An American jihad would make every hour spent working in an American company — or founding one — an offering."
To whom exactly? and what am I offering them? an hour of work? Well yea I already do that, and then they pay me for that hour.....thats how fucking employment works......
"An American jihad would make every teacher of American history not only a public servant, but a servant of the Truth."
You know I have a hunch that Dr. Ablow doesnt actually personally know any "servants of truth"....
"We the People of the United States are good and we are right. And we need the spirit of an American jihad to properly invite, intensify and focus our intentions to preserve, protect and defend our Constitution here at home, and to seek to spread its principles abroad."
Because again, as divine as the Constitution is, people just cant see how great it is for them unless its shoved down their throat.
But yea, there you have it the latest ranting of the unhinged mind FOX news uses as their on air expect physiologist......
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