This month in stupid

Alright so its been so long since I did one of these, I'm basically lengthening the period of eligibility and reign of the winner, but otherwise, this is exactly the same as the week long version. So lets get the Million Moron March under way for 2104.

Up first, congresswoman Michelle Bachmann who was on a radio show earlier this month discussing why shes opposed to Obamacare when the following exchange occurred:

Host: There was a story we were playing earlier where a man in Virginia had information stolen by fake healthcare providers. What do you see as the intelligence threats via Obamacare?

Michele Bachmann: Quite simply it appears that Belarus, which is a nation friendly with the Soviet Union, may have a subcontracting contract to build a part of Obamacare.

Ok, for my younger readers, a quick history lesson, just so you can follow what the crazy lady is saying.
About 90 years ago the Russian Empire collapsed and wound up being taken over by a bunch of communists, who managed to spread their view's across a sizable portion of Eastern Europe and became know as the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, or the USSR for short, and also known as the Soviet Union. Now I know all of you who currently in school, from kindergarten to college undergrads, probably never heard of the USSR until the opening ceremony of the Olympics last week. There is a reason for that. The USSR disbanded in 1991.

Meaning that unless Congresswoman Bachmann knows something I don't about the existence of a time machine, I dont think we have to worry about any information about anything being given to the USSR.

Oh and another point, not only does she fail "Time" in her statement, it actually appears Mrs. Bachmann doesnt actually know where the USSR was.

You see, prior to 1991 Belarus didnt exist. Before then it had been part of the USSR (and the Russian Empire, Polish–Lithuanian Commonwealth, and the Grand Duchy of Lithuania before that)

So Belarus wouldnt have been a "friendly nation" to the USSR, Belarus WAS the USSR (or part of it).

So yea, in one statement, Bachmann fails "current events", "chronology", "geography", "history", and "logic".

But believe it or not, were just getting started on the cavalcade of the cretins.

As long as we are talking about the USSR, we might as well stay with one of their successor states, the aforementioned hosts of the Olympics, Russia.

See our next entrant, and our first ever foreign entrant, is the Russian Government.Or more specifically deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Kozak, who is responsible for overseeing the Olympics.    

The accommodations in Sochi have gotten a lot of heat for being, generously, sub-par. Seriously look up pictures of the Water or "Double Toilets" if you dont know about this.

But see according to Mr. Kozak most of the problems arnt actually Russia's fault, its international sabotage.
His proof? As he told the Wall Street Journal:

“We have surveillance video from the hotels that shows people turn on the shower, direct the nozzle at the wall and then leave the room for the whole day."

That's right, the Russian's know this because they are spying on every single Olympian in the shower when they are naked.

Now look obviously no one actually thinks the russians have shower camera's, nor is anyone buying his excuse.

But really, what type of moron must this guy be to think that suggesting he's watching you bathe is gonna make you feel better about the fact you cant drink the water??? Yea, problem solver this guy isnt.

Speaking of horrible excuses, that brings us to contestant #3 in this week's iditarod of
ineptitude, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, or at least his office.

Ok so there's the whole bridgegate thing, which I'm hoping your up to date with (if not read this). In one of the most recent turns in the saga, it was revealed that the man directly responsible for closing the lanes, David Wildstein, had had his position created specifically for him at Governors Christie's request. It also came out that, according to Wildstein, Christie had lied at his previous press conference about when he said he knew about the lane closures and Wildstein could prove it.

Now in response, the Governor did 2 things. First he changed his story to match up with when Wildstein was claiming Christie knew about the closing. Second, his office attacked Wildstein in a hit piece, that was presented as if it came from the Governor himself.

The piece contained the following sections that got alot of attention.
" In David Wildstein's past, people and newspaper accounts have described him as "tumultuous" and someone who "made moves that were not productive."

• As a 16-year-old kid, he sued over a local school board election. • He was publicly accused by his high school social studies teacher of deceptive behavior"


  Now the reaction to the first paragraph was basically "ok if that was true WHY DID YOU HIRE HIM?"

The second part however was the more problematic. See not only did they slime an adult man for what he did in High School (the same high school he attended with Gov Christie, although according to Christie's previous statements he didnt know anything about him), they also kinda lied.

Yea turns out the teacher who accused him actually says the whole issue was a misunderstanding, that's all, at least thats what he said to the local paper at the time (1979).

So, what do you do when your caught lying about an issue that if true would actually make previous statements you made a lie? Not to mention adding the fact your actually attacking a grown man for his high school behavior, meaning you come across looking like a bully?

 Well simple. It turns out, according to what the governor's office, they kinda forgot to show it to the governor before they put his name on it.

In otherwords, once again, Chris Christie had no idea what his own staff were doing. Just like when his Lt. Gov may have shaken down the Mayor of Hoboken. or when Sandy funds may have "accidentally" gone to complete a developmental complex, that had been undamaged by the hurricane, that just so happened to be owned by a member of Christie's staff. Or just like when Christie didnt know about Bridge-gate until he was asked about it in January....err wait I mean when he saw it on the news in December, or was that November? Well he certainly didnt know about it at the time. Or just like that time in 2009 when his state missed out on a shit ton of educational cash from the federal government, due to a form being filled out incorrectly, and his staff didnt inform him on time(by the way, it was proven they did, they had him on tape)  

So yea, with all this stuff Christie already doesnt seem to know about, is suggesting yet another thing he doesnt know about really the best idea? I'm just saying the dude is starting to look less competent than Rand Paul. Might be time to find a new excuse.

Next up, our runner up. Colorado Republican State Senator Bernie Herpin, who thinks the fact that the Aurora Shooter/the Batman Shooter in 2012 had an 100 round magazine actually may have helped save lives.

Yes, you read that correctly. Here's Mr. Herpin's logic, as presented on the floor of the State Senate when asked why he wouldnt support a bill banning ammunition magazines over a set carrying capacity.

“As it turned out, that was maybe a good thing that he had a 100-round magazine, because it jammed. If he had instead had four, five, six 15-round magazines, no telling how much damage he could have done until a good guy with a gun showed up.”   

Look Mr. Herpin I want to tell you something all of my lovers have said to me, "Dude, size doesnt matter. Really the small ones work just as well as the big ones, I promise"

No really. This idiot actually seems to think the number of bullets in a gun has anything to do with the jam rate. Thing is though, if the gun works perfectly, it wouldnt make a difference how many bullets are in the clip, it would fire all of them

But of course a gun runs the risk of jamming, especially the more its used. But it doesnt matter if those 100 come from one clip or from 6 smaller clips. its about cleaning the gun usually.

So really the only difference between 6 clips of 15 and 1 clip of 100 (other than 10 bullets) is that the shooter would have to STOP shooting to reload. That would be a period of time where people can run without getting shot. and thats also usually when the shooter gets taken down. Just saying.

On the upside I have a new gun bill idea. If you dont know how a gun works, your not responsible enough allowed to own one. How's that sound?

But our winner, and we end on a funny (at least to me) note, is our second foreign nominee, and I dont even know his name.

But you know what, rather than explain to you why he made the list, and won, I'm just gonna copy past the article headline that brought this to my attention.

"Suicide Bomber Instructor Blows Up Suicide Bombers-In-Training"

Now those of you who read my blog regularly know that on occasion I bring in a "special guest" for commentary. Normally its Inigo Montoya of the princess bride. But I think requires a different guest to accurately sum up my initial reaction to the story. So with that in mind, I turn the blog over to Mr. Nelson Munz:

  

Thank you Nelson. In this guys defense though, it is often said the best teachers lead by example, so he must have been AMAZING. In fact all of his [surviving] students have said his class was the BOMB.

Anyways, I think I can safely speak for all of us, as I congratulate our winner on his stupidity and skill at winning the stupidest person of the month, and that is stupidity we can ALL get behind and hope to see more of.

Until next time, this concludes the pilgrimage of the pin-headed.