And we are off to the [republican] races.......(part 3)

As you know if you've read all my pieces so far we only have 3 republicans left to look at. And as ti turns out I've actually got some bad news for my readers if they are expecting embarrassing moments and brutal takedowns.......this section (or at least the first part) may not have that.

So yea, heres the thing, of the three candidates left, two of them are here because so far they have managed to avoid saying or doing much of anything stupid.  That's not to say they are flawless however.

First up we have John Kasich. Now years ago it looked like Kasich was basically doomed to failure, he attempted to pass the same law that got Scott Walker so much trouble in Wisconsin....only to see if repealed by voter referendum. He also sent up a group called JobsOhio, which was basically an attempt to privatize alot of the publicly funded part of Ohio, and from what I can tell was considered a massive failure the last time anyone mentioned it back in 2013.

The part of this that might really dog Kasich is where the state's liquor license was supposed to be given over to a private company as part of the JobsOhio program.....a private company headed by Kasich. So yea basically Kasich was trying to set up a system where every time you bought/sold or transported booze he made a profit.  And historically speaking americans dont like people fucking with their booze.

But honestly other than those things, Kasich has done a good job of keeping his head down since early in his first term. That said he was also the one of [if not the first] republican governors to accept the Medicaid expansion money from Obamacare, and also has massively increased education funding....two things that I think will earn him the kiss of death in the GOP primary.  (should he actually declare, which he has not yet)

Speaking of those about to get the kiss of death....George Pataki the former Governor of New York. He is a pro choice, pro gay rights, environmentalist, health care reformer, signed the New York Smoking ban, and wants to cut the size of the military. Basically he's this cycle's Jon Huntsman....he's way to liberal to have a chance in hell of getting any traction in the primary even if he could possibly win the general.

BUT NOW WITH THE BORING OUT OF THE WAY.....we get to the fun part of this section.

Because  I said I had 3 candidates left, Kasich, Pataki and.....um.....it's.....lets see Kasich Pataki and....

Oh YEA that was the third one.....

Anyways, as it turns out, Rick Perry is back and this time he'd like to know hes actually ready and has actually been preparing for the job, unlike 2012 when Perry himself  claims he was neither ready or prepared....because he claims there was so much else going on at the time. Also as Perry himself put it “I knew that after our unsuccessful attempt in 2011, 2012 I was a bit naive about what it required to run for the presidency of the United States,” going on to specifically mention economic and foreign policy

Yea, starting off your campaign by saying "well the reason i fucked up last time is because I couldnt mulitask, probably isnt the best way to convince people you should have one of the most mulitask focused jobs on the planet.

Doesnt help when you also made the same claim last time (that you were prepared) and now claim you were an idiot

Now if this was Perry's only stupid comment so far, he might be fine, but turns out one of the ways he was preparing for 2016 was by writing a book (Fed Up) laying out his platform....and well it's pretty much like you expected.

A lot of it is bolierplate Republican, ALA Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, Obamacare, and the Children's Health Insurance Progam are all unconstitutional.......

Actually now that I think about it, I dont think that last one is normally mentioned.....most politicians understand taking about taking away children's health insurance is about as popular as being in favor of mandatory amputation of fingers if you get a paper cut.

Speaking of screwing (but not in a Duggar way) your children Rick Perry has also come out against NLRB v. Jones & Laughlin Steel Corp, which is probibly not a supreme court case most have heard of. Heres the short version...its the case that provides the constitutional justification for preventing child labor.

Oh and it also is used as the justification for the 40 hour work week, overtime pay, weekends, and well pretty much any employee right you can thing of.

So yea, got to hand it Perry, at least his equal opportunity fucking over your family.

Oh and on a different note I cant really segue too he's also against the 17th amendment.

That would be this one for those who dont have the amendments memorized

"The Senate of the United States shall be composed of two Senators from each State, elected by the people thereof, for six years; and each Senator shall have one vote. The electors in each State shall have the qualifications requisite for electors of the most numerous branch of the State legislatures.[...]" 

Basically what that amendment does is actually gives you the right to vote for your Senators and not to have them appointed by whoever you state deems can do the appointing.

So yea, what Rick Perry is advocating is making your government less Representative of YOU, and setting up a roadblock in terms of directly affecting your government.

Because hey, if you dont like your government.....fuck you. Why should you be able to change it? I mean hell under Rick Perry's plan you could still change 1/2 of 1/3 of the government by direct elections...albeit a half in which the party in power doesnt actually have to win the popular vote due to gerrymandering, so good chance you really cant change it at all.....isnt that enough democracy for you?

Oh, and I almost forgot, there is one last MAJOR issue for Rick Perry.....he's been indicted. Specifically for what amounts to attempting to bribe/threaten a public official in Texas because she wouldnt resign and let him replace her with a republican (the pol in question being a Democrat). When she refused the bribe/threat was supposedly cutting the funding for her office....which ironically happens to be the agency responsible for finding government corruption in Texas,

Now to be fair and Indictment IS NOT a conviction. Could be Perry wins the case and really didnt do anything wrong. But it does make him the ONLY candidate in history to attempt to win the White House, while also having to worry about being elected to the big house.....

But hey, if you want an anti-child anit-worker anti-representative government, potential criminal, and self admitted reformed idiot as president....good news you just found your candidate.

Now you might think that, given that I covered every candidate on my list, that this overview of the republican candidates is over and done.

But you'd be wrong. See turns out that even over the last two days I've been writing this, many of the candidates I've mentioned have actually found new and improved ways to disqualify themselves from contention as "serious" to the point that I have enough material for at least one more entry. So yea stay turned for the redux edition coming soon...... 

And we are off to the [republican] races.......(part 2)

Well last time we covered 4 republican presidential candidates for losing to the Democrat in 2016. We've still got 10 left, and the question is are any of them actual real serious candidate, or are they just members of the clown show that crippled the GOP in 2012? (side note I also retroactively submit this as more evidence against Ted Cruz and Rick Santorum being worth taking seriously)

If Part 1 was any indication, we are learning clown show, but will the trend continue?

First, in the interests of moving things along, the "speed round". This is where I eliminate for seriousness several republicans in less than a paragraph each:

Carly Fiorina: She's running for office based on his "real world" business experience running HP. She did such a great job there that HP's announcement they were firing her generated 2.991 BILLION dollars in increased stock prices for the company THAT DAY.  Thats right, people invested 3 billion dollars simply because you didnt run things anymore......good luck in the election.

Donald Trump: Donald Trump is considering running for president. Thats actually all I got, because I'm pretty sure at this point Trump is a self contained punch line.....

Ben Carson: The Donald Trump of this election. May be a gifted brain surgeon, but still a moron in everything else. Notably believes the Constitution allows for Judaical laws but doesnt require the president to enforce them (context of this being that as president he could make gay marriage illegal even if the supreme court disagrees). Helps to know what the duties and limits and how the job you want actually works.....just saying.

Chris Christie: So yea, turns out Bridgegate isnt over yet, investigation set to be finished early next year just in time for the general election (3 aides already indicted or plead gulity). Plus the majority of people in his own state would vote for Hillary and dont want him to run.....so yea thats usually the political kiss of death.

That ends the speed round. Next up, my mothers favorite candidate (in that she hates him but is convinced somehow he will win) Scott Walker.

Now I already took walker to task for his problems in telling the difference between domestic and foreign policy, but he's actually so much worse.

Turns out, he also doesnt really know the difference between ISIS terrorists and police and school teachers.  Or as walker put it

“I want a commander in chief who will do everything in their power to ensure that the threat from radical Islamic terrorists does not wash up on American soil, If I can take on 100,000 protesters, I can do the same across the world.”

This is kinda terrifying in two ways....not only does walker seem to think anyone who opposes him is basically a terrorist, it also suggests he thinks all terrorists will do is raise their fist in the air and chant for a while.......

But actually none of that is as important as scott walker's biggest problem. He's basically the new Richard Nixon.

So EVERYONE knows about watergate, which led not only to Nixon's resignation, but the convictions of 6 of his top aides on criminal charges.

Well Scott Walker was just hit by what Wisconsin calls a "john doe" investigation.....and as a result has now tied Nixon's record for number of top aides facing criminal conviction with 6. BUT, there is actually a very good change Walker will eventually break Nixon's record, since he is about to get hit with another John Doe investigation.

By the way, at the end of the day, watergate was a scandal about attempting to steal an election. And perhaps not incidentally, the subjects of BOTH John Doe investigations are Scott Walker committing election fraud in TWO different elections.

And I did mention that second one is just now starting? so its going to dog him from now until election..

And that doesnt even get into the possibility that Walker's still unexplained decision to drop out of college senior year may have been caused by his getting caught cheating (at least per the school newspaper) in an election for student body president.

So yea, the guy who has been accused of stealing more elections than Nixon........probably not the horse I'd want to back in an election.

Now I would get to my next candidate, but it seems he's running a little late....

  

No wait, there he is. Now for reasons that never really made sense to me, that ^ was considered such a bad gaffe it took Jindal right out of consideration for the 2012 race.

Which makes me wonder what people would think of this:

So yea, as most people know theres a reason that the reporter, like most of us, cant think of an area in his own city that women feel like they have to wear veils.......because (all together now) ITS NOT A REAL THING.

And then this took a turn to the AMAZING. So after getting flack for the above clip, Jindal appeared on FOX news (who had originally made up reported the story) and had the following exchange:

NEIL CAVUTO: Did you know that the term no-go zones was wrong? We reported the same, and we were wrong. We botched it. We apologized for it.

You are not, I take it?

JINDAL: Not at all.
So yea, thats a reporter telling a guy "dude we got this wrong" and they guy saying "dont care"

but what came next was the amazing part

"JINDAL: Neil, no, look, I think what you apologized, what your network apologized for was calling an entire city a no-go zone. That's not true. But there absolutely are neighborhoods. And the same day I made those remarks, there was a police chief in London that said this in The Daily Mail."

Translation "I am now going to tell YOU what YOU meant by your appology, and then explain why that means I am still right."

By the way this lead to a several minute long rant, with Cavuto multiple times asking Jindal if he was sure he really knew what he was talking about (since you know they had already told him the story was wrong) before eventually giving up and trying to change topics.

I mean giving a several minute long explanation about how and why the guy who just told you he was wrong wasnt wrong all so you can be right is fucking amazing.  That seems borderline "living in your own fantasy world"

I give Jindal credit, as bad as the 2012 race was there was no candidate that came close to having their head as far up there own ass as Jindal apparently has his.

Finally we end with Mike Huckabee. Huckabee would have been in the speed round, except I needed a quote or two to show why he's an ass clown.

First up, this gem from the last election cycle:

"I would love to know more. What I know is troubling enough. And one thing that I do know is [Obama] having grown up in Kenya, his view of the Brits, for example, very different than the average American. When he gave the back the … bust of Winston Churchill, a great insult to the British. But then if you think about it, his perspective as growing up in Kenya with a Kenyan father and grandfather, their view of the Mau Mau Revolution in Kenya is very different than ours because he probably grew up hearing that the British were a bunch of imperialists who persecuted his grandfather." 
So with the possible except of the first sentence, I dont think there is actually anything in there that is remotely factually correct. But hey at least we know where Huckabee stands on birtherism....he's a BIG believer. From a different speech

" And I have said many times, publicly, that I do think he has a different worldview and I think it's in part molded out of a very different experience. Most of us grew up going to Boy Scout meetings, you know, our communities were filled with Rotary Clubs, not madrassas."

Or actually maybe he's just a racist. Cause its not just Obama he fires on

“Beyonce is incredibly talented – gifted, in fact. She has an exceptional set of pipes and can actually sing. She is a terrific dancer – without the explicit moves best left for the privacy of her bedroom. Jay-Z is a very shrewd businessman, but I wonder: Does it occur to him that he is arguably crossing the line from husband to pimp by exploiting his wife as a sex object?”

That's Huckabee's commentary on Beyonce's Grammy performance last year. Now a couple of things to note, mainly that, Beyonce is self employed, she runs and manages herself, her husband has nothing to do with her in that sense.

Second apparently letting your wife work in any way that shows shes attractive makes her a slut and you a pimp.....at least if the couple in question is black. (cause yea its not like there arnt white singers who dance sexy)   

Seems that Huckabee thinks Jay Z has 99 problems, and the bitch being out of the kitchen is one.

On the upside though, huckabee's rallies look really well attended....See?

This ends part 2, but if you were keeping count we still have a couple of candidates left to go, notably John Kasich, George Pataki, and Rick Perry. So yea, spoiler alert about who's in part 3. 

And we are off to the [republican] races.......(part 1)

So for those of you who may not be paying much attention, there are a fair number of republicans following in Ted Cruz's wake now running for president. In fact there are almost as many republicans running for president as Baskin Robbins has ice cream flavors.

Now on the one hand this would seem like a welcome change from the Democratic Race, which currently features "President Elect" Hilary Clinton, an actual Socialist Bernie Sanders, and bland white dudes #1 #2 and #3.  

Problem is, of course, most of the republicans candidates are lobster or Viagra flavored ice cream (and yes, thats a real flavor), in that no one actually wants them, and they tend to be kinda weird and no one is actually sure why they exist in the first place.

So with that in mind, we are going to survey the mediocrity and stupidity of the GOP field to lose the presidency in 2016  Now before we begin a quick note. A couple of names wont be appearing in this blog, namely Ted Cruz and Rand Paul. But thats not because they are the most qualified (they arnt) or arnt stupid, its because I gave Ted Cruz his out takedown when he declared, and one of the points I've been making in this blog for years is that Rand Paul does not actually understand his own positions on the issues. So at this point, mentioning them in this would just be redundant. If you must see why they are basically joke candidates I would suggest this, this, this, and this (or even this, for why Rand Paul isnt actually trying to win) if you want that information.

So with that disclaimer out of the way, lets get this Circus started right.

Now in my take down of Ted Cruz, I mentioned that he would be the benchmark for how much of a joke the GOP field would be this time around, the idea being the more attention he got, the more of a joke the field would be, where as if serious candidates got in he wouldnt get as much attention.

Now at first this seems like good news for the GOP, because he's really getting no attention these days, but when picking a historical analog to make that point I happened to mention Rick Santorum, the last cycles joke candidate who happened to come in second.

Well it turns out that while Cruz isnt getting any attention Santourm is....because he is actually running again.  (by the way for those who need a reminder as to why Rick Santorum is a joke....go here)

Now I have to hand it Santorum, who after annoying the shit out of liberals, black people (or "Blah people") and gays (if you dont know yet about that one, please google "Santorum".....but only under a NSFW allowable condition) , and pro choicers, has decided to go after the one group of people he hasnt actually attacked yet......catholics. Specifically the pope.

Because you see the patron saint of fecal lube knows better than the head of the church what the catholic church needs to do. And hes actually quite mad that the Holy Father had the audacity to take a position that disagreed with the infallible ungoogleable Senator, when the pope spoke out in favor of existence of climate change and the need to do something about it.  

See according to Santorum: “The church has gotten it wrong a few times on science, and I think that we probably are better off leaving science to the scientists, I think when we get involved with controversial political and scientific theories, then I think the church is probably not as forceful and credible. And I’ve said this to the bishops many times when they get involved in agriculture policy or things like that, that are really outside the scope of what the church’s main message is.”

Now we should leave "science to the scientists"/"I am not a scientist" line has been a popular dodge for republicans for a long time now. However the reason Santorum gets special recognition for stupid is that normally republicans are smart enough not to use that defense against scientists.... scientists like Jorge Bergoglio, who would in later life change his name to Pope Francis.

Yea, Santorum just told a scientist to shut his mouth about science and the leader of his own church to shut his mouth about church beliefs because it is Santorum who really knows these things better....

Nice job Rick.

next up, we have the GOP's newest flavor of disgusting ice cream, John McCain's understudy, Senator Lindsey Graham.

Now to be honest, at first Graham is one of those people most republicans would like, given his reputation.....which is sadly based solely on his length of time in office and not his brains.

Take for example this recent comment made days before he declared his run:

"Everything that starts with 'Al' in the Middle East is bad news, Al-Qaida, Al-Nusra, Al-Qaida in the Arab Peninsula,"

Now there are a couple of problems here. First, I'm pretty sure that 1st and 3rd example are basically the EXACT SAME WORD/related organizations but one has more words attached to it. So you really only have two examples........ second and more problematic, as it turns out the word "Al" translates to "The" in English. So yea, Lindsey graham, just declared using one of the most common words ever as "proof" things are unamerican. By the way, who wants to tell Lindsey he himself is actually a resident of al-Wilāyāt al-Muttaḥidah al-Amrīkīyah? Which must the baddest and evilest country in the world, given that it uses the word "Al" 3 times........

And this isnt the only really awkward thing Graham has said in the last couple of months either, cause yea there is also this:

"If I put together a finance team that will make me financially competitive enough to stay in this thing…I may have the first all-Jewish cabinet in America because of the pro-Israel funding,"

I'm not 100% sure, but I think that was Graham trying to appeal to the Jewish vote by implying that only jews have enough money to keep him in the race, that the only people he would trust with rasing his money are jewish and that those same jews want to buy his loyalty away from the US. (and that he would actually be totally fine selling it to them too).

Yea, not sure embracing the whole nazi-esk sterotype that jews are unloyal bankers hoarding all the money is really going to get you too far.......even with the implied "personal acceptance" of the idea.


Next up Marco Rubio, the guy who is finally fulfilling his destiny to run for president in 2012......actually hang on I need to take a quick break

Sorry about that, been writing for a while, needed water.

Although now that I think about it, maybe he's not fulfilling his destiny after all, given this exchange with FOX news' Chris Wallace on if going to war with Iraq was a mistake:


Rubio: “I still say it was not a mistake because the president was presented with intelligence that said Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, It was governed by a man who had committed atrocities in the past with weapons of mass destruction.”

“Based on what we know now, I think everyone agrees…”

Wallace: “So was it a mistake now?”

Rubio: “I don’t understand the question you’re asking,”

Ok look, most people would say looking back at it Iraq was a mistake. They might disagree on if it was an accidental mistake cause by legit faulty intel or if the Bush administration knowingly lied us into war. And some people might not care either way are argue that even knowing the intel was bad, its still a good thing in hindsight we did it.

Apprently though, it seems the process of hindsight on what is unarugably the most second guessed decision of the last 30 years (and likely more than that) is a concept totally unknown to some guy who wants to run the country.  Rubio it seeems is unable to form an opinion based on current information about something that has ALREADY HAPPENED. Thats actually kinda terrifying.

Granted he's not the only one getting tripped up by the Iraq War.

Presenting the brother of man who brought us the Second Iraq war, son of the man who brought us the First one, Jeb Bush.

And well, rather than copy paste a mountain of text, I'm going to look to youtube to sum this one up for me:

Now ok it might seem like i'm making a mountain out of a slight miscommunication in which Jeb clearly didnt hear the question he was asked correctly....but as it turns out there is a second part to this.

So this is a map (from the washington post) of the people Jeb Bush has already hired to do foreign policy for him prior to making those statements:

Since it's a bit hard to see, let me help you out. 17 of the 21 people Jeb Bush has hired to run his foreign policy are the same people who are responsible for the same bad intel that led to the second war in iraq that he claims in hindsight was a mistake . Also it turns out  if you ask Jeb, there would be a 22nd name on that list,  some dude named George W. Bush.......

But yea, while normally I would believe Jeb that he didnt hear the question right.....and that it apparently took him 48 hours to realize this....it starts to strain credibility when he also hired everyone responcible for the action he totally meant to criticize if he'd heard it correctly...... 

Anyways, that wraps up Part one of the varrious flavors of republican moron running for president. Still to come in Part 2 (and likely 3, or 4 if needed) Bobby Jindal, Donald Trump (believe it or not), Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, Scott Walker, Rick Perry, Carly Fiorina, Chris Christie, John Kasich and George Pataki.

(this by the way does not include, Rick Snyder, Jim Gilmore, Bob Erlich and Peter King, who people have said would like to see them run, but who dont seem to have any interest or 9 private citizens with no political experience who have also declared as republicans.....just in case you thought I was kidding about there being almost as many Republican candidates (29) as Baskin Robbins ("31") flavors)

Top 5 avengers who have no god damn business being on the team

UPDATED 5/1/15. So its been pointed out to me I kinda goofed in my original post. So my original #5 was Deathbird, except according to multiple sources, including Marvel.com, she was only an honorary member of the team, and therefor not eligable for this list.

Luckily I also discovered someone I thought to be an honorary member of the team, based on the premise of "they couldnt possibly be that stupid to make this person a real member" is in fact a new member. They are also my new Number 1 due to how bad an idea they were.

So everyone else drops down a place, but otherwise the rankings remain unchanged, except for my new number 1. Anyways on to my original post

So rounding out my trilogy of avengers based posts (back to politics soon I promise), is the counter ranking to my last couple of posts.

In comics so far their have been 111 avengers (not counting honorary members, young avengers, avengers academy students or dark avengers and other unofficial and/or evil teams). So not shockingly some of the members just really dont belong on the team.

Now while doing this list I tried to avoid characters who only appear to be bad avengers because the writer couldnt use them/suffered from bad writing. I instead focused on the characters who even in universe it makes no sense to have recruited. So although Storm was highly misused as an avengers (read, the writer did NOTHING with her and even had her quit the team between panels) it makes in universe sense for the avengers to have recruited her, so she wouldnt count for this list. 

Also this is not a worst avengers list, because frankly most of the characters who would be on that list get there because they play such a minor and forgettable role on the team they had no impact at all. So that wouldnt be that fun to write about (although for those who are curious I will give my list (sans reasons) at the end of this just as I did my "top 10 avengers including the movie ones at the end of that list).

Instead think of this list as the list of "questionable hires" no matter potential or how they turned out.

So with that in mind

#5

Ares.

Alright so the Avengers do have a history of recruiting Gods for the team, and on its face maybe recruiting the God of War seems like a good idea. Until you remember that Ares has spent centuries trying to kill his brother, avengers member Hercules, and as a result has spend the last few decades fighting the avengers, because they are his brothers friends and teammates.

So yea recruiting one of your enemies who wants to kill one of your teammates, no possible war this could go wrong....

Now yes Ares was recruited during the "civil war" in which all of marvels superheroes were fighting each other and the avengers had splinted into smaller teams depending on their beliefs and the what not, but still, this isnt a good idea.

Especially since Ares didnt become an avenger for any higher reason. He became an avenger because Tony Stark was paying him $44 an hour to do it and he needed money.

So it really should have surprised no one that, after Tony Stark fell from grace (and lost his money), Ares jumped ship to Norman Osborn (as in the greem goblin from spider-mans) evil team of Dark Avengers.

Seriously who didnt see that one coming?

In fairness to Ares though, he did have a legit change of heart and turned on his evil team to stop them from destroying Asgard......only to die seconds later.  I guess "redeemed in death" makes this a better idea? no?......

#4

Amadeus Cho

Amadeus Cho is 8th smartest person in the world. Thats his superpower, hes really really really really smart. And hey it might actually be worth something, if the guys in front of him didnt consist of Reed Richards, Tony Stark, Bruce Banner, Hank Pym and Hank McCoy, all of whom are already on the god damn team.

Plus theirs the whole underage thing again, this kid is just that, a kid (a teenager technically).

Which raises an interesting question? How dumb are the 8 smartest people in the world when most of them think its a great idea to take a kid with no true superpowers to speak of, who's one strength is already sextupletitly redundant into an avengers battle?

Yes again this is a guy who owes his membership to the aforementioned post "civil war splintering" of the Avengers. But his own team was led by Hank Pym whos already smarter than him AND has powers, and included the Vision a super advanced computer, at the time running on technology from the future so even smarter than normal.

So yea seriously this guy brought NOTHING to the table. Why was he giving a spot?

#3

James "Logan" Howlett. Wolverine

So Wolverine is the ultimate killing machine. Problem is, the avengers dont kill (this by the way is the main reason I dont like black widow on the team either).  Just saying this might lead to problems?

Furthermore Wolverine is at least in theory a loner. He joined the X-men out of necessity and while he's come to see them as his family over the years he never really showed much interest in the wider marvel universe.

And then hey one day out of the blue he decides to become an avenger....you know because.....

course at the time he joined the avengers he was also still a member of the x-men....and later became leader of the X-men AND ran X-force the X-mens covert black ops assassin team.

Just saying dude had a really full plate....and that was before he joined a second avengers team at the same time. (And although I said I wouldnt penalize characters for "bad writing" its worth noting that around this time Wolverine was off with the New Avengers team, the team runs into trouble, and Wolverine sends an SOS call off to the main Avengers team....a call that is picked up by main Avengers member Wolverine. So yea, figure that out?)

So yea, wolverine is now the ultimate killing machine on a team that wont let him kill....assuming he can show up for duty in the first place considering his other obligations allow for it, although their is never a reason given for why he'd want to be an avenger anyways (other than editorial mandate)

I guess his healing factor is useful....maybe...when he's around......

#2

Matt Murdock. Daredevil.

Alright for for decades their were two high profile marvel solo heroes to never be avengers: Spider-Man and Daredevil.

Now as I mentioned in my 10 best avengers, Spider-man wasnt a member because he didnt want to be.  Daredevil on the other hand had a much better excuse....he cant be a member. You see his radar sense gets a bit hard to deal with if there are a ton of people/heartbeats he has to keep track of that are friendlies. So he doesnt work well in a team. (hence why he's almost never been on one).

In fact he had the chance to be a founding new avenger, but turned them down....only to take them up on their next offer a few years later. Because? like seriously what changed?

Dont get me wrong, Daredevil wasnt a bad avenger (a trait he shares with Wolverine and Cho above him), although he didnt exactly stand out either, he was just kinda there. However when a guy has a clearly stated in universe legitimate reason to not join the team, thats kinda something you need to address when you reverse decades of precedence and make him join the team.

Not to mention, when a dude tells you "hey the way my powers work I might be a hindrance to you more than I help" (and it ends up hes not wrong) and you spend decades wearing him down and getting him to give in, it raises some questions about your "hiring policies". Are you guys still "earth's mightiest heroes, banding together to take on the villains no one hero could match" or has this just become a giant frat party?

And now, my NEW #1 Avenger with no damn business anywhere near this team (or any team for that matter)

Matt Hawk. Two Gun Kid

So in the Marvel Universe, Matt Hawk is the original superhero by in-universe history. Because he was the first person to wear a mask to conceal his identity while doing good......in the 1870's. Now I know what your thinking, but no Hawk isnt a mutant, hes not immortal, he wasnt frozen in a block of ice, nothing. When an avengers villain went into the past the Avengers followed him, and on that trip met Two-Gun, who helped them out, then decided he wanted to tag alone.

After considering the danger to the time space continuum, and knowing full well they lived in a multiverse, in which changing the past would change the present/create a parallel timeline to which the avengers would return (and not the original one from which they left) the avengers decide "fuck it" and brought two gun to the present day (then the 1980's). Only after getting to the 1980's was two gun made a member of the avengers.

By the way, want to know what two guns powers are? he doesnt have any. All he has is a lifetime of training with pistols and horses to make him one of a dozen or so "best gunfighters of the era" Now keep in mind, the avengers regularly fight foes who laugh off getting hit in the face with Thor's hammer.

So yea, a dude whos a good shot with a pistol that would be considered an antique is really tip the balance on that one.  Seriously, woo-wee (as two gun would say) talk about a difference maker...

I mean say what you will about hawkeye not having powers, at least he's got some bad ass trick arrows, thats more than Two gun could ever have.

Not to mention, you really want to take a guy whos idea of a "radical notion" is women in pants and black folks not being property and put him on a team that pretty regularly fights aliens and has a team member who is an artificial life form?  Oh and one that would later be lead by a black woman in pants........

Just saying, this really aint gonna end well, especially when he shoots out the light-bulbs because he hasnt figured out the difference between that and evil magic (another thing the avengers deal with regularly)

Now of course, eventually the Avengers send the guy back to his own time.......or well so they though. It was recently revealed that Two Gun was stopped from returning by a group of "time-police" who are supposed to protect the timeline from destruction

Which would be cool and all if not for one small problem.

So in real life, one of the earliest marvel comics superheroes (actually appearing in Marvel Comics #1 in 1939) was named "The Angel" (not the one from the x-men). Now in universe the Angel had been a doctor until he was inspired to become a crime fighter by one of his patients. And it was his run as "The Angel" that provided the inspiration for literally EVERY OTHER SUPERHERO EVER. Basically according to the in-universe history, if "The Angel" had never been, no other superhero would have even been inspired to become a hero, and their would be no superheroes.

By the way, you want to guess the name of the patient who inspired "The Angel" to be born? (and who happened to leave "The Angel" his guns and mask upon his death as the final inspiration? )  If you guessed Matt Hawk, you'd be right.

Except of course, thanks to the Avengers Hawk is stuck in our present, some 80 odd years or so after he was supposed to have died, and in doing so inspired "The Angel" who is needed to inspire everyone else. Which means Two gun wont die when he was supposed to, and therefore there will be no "Angel" and therefore no other superheroes.  Which would kinda remove the current Marvel Universe from existence. (something by the way that is actually happening right now in the comics, albeit for slightly different reasons)

So great way to go avengers, YOU JUST DESTROYED TIME FOR A DUDE WHOS TALENT IS FIRING A GUN KINDA GOOD! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? LIKE SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS JUST FAILED AT YOUR ENTIRE REASON TO EXIST!


So yea, even if the given reason for the ending of the marvel universe doesnt involve Two Gun Kid, thats probably just  "bad" luck, but even if somehow his being here wouldnt have destroyed everything, thats still a big ass risk to take for a cowboy. Which is why Two Gun Kid is the avenger with the lease business being near the team

So yea, there you have it, 5 avengers who have no business being on the team.

And because I promised it at the beginning, the top 10 worst avengers list (none of which I expect anyone other than hardcore fans to have heard of)

10) Machine Man (my new entry to replace Deathcry)
9) Stingray
8) Echo
7) Jack of Hearts

6) Protector 

5) Jewel/Jessica Jones (who for the record only missed this list because she doesnt seem to consider herself an avenger most of the time, and is only around because her husband is an avenger)

4) Gilgamesh/The Forgotten One
3) Sentry
2) Dr. Druid
1) Lionheart

The top 10 avengers not in the movie part 2

So last time out we did the bottom half of the list of 10 characters who arnt in the avengers movie, this time out we do the top half.

#5

Janet Van Dyne. The Wasp

Wasp is basically the counter balance to our last entry. Whereas Ms Marvel has the power to be an avenger but not the confidence or tactical ability, Wasp is one of the best avengers at making team work happen.

See at the end of the day Wasp's powers (to get really small and fly and hit with you a tiny electrical jolt) basically ensure she will never be anything more than an annoyance to the guy shes fighting. Luckily for the Avengers shes become a master at being an annoyance at just the right moment to make their foe focus on her for the split second it takes for Thor's hammer to connect with his skull....

So yea, basically she leads the Avengers team in "assists". Speaking of leads shes also considered one of the best leaders the Avengers have ever had, mostly because she happens to be the one who steps up to lead every time the team starts to crack under overwhelming pressure and its her leadership and ability to inspire the other avengers (and figure out how/when to use each member's skills and personality to maximum affect. In fact it was during her tenure as leader that the Masters of Evil managed to take over avengers mansion and destroy most of their stuff. Now avengers mansion and all their stuff's been destroyed a few times, usually resulting in the temporary break up of the team and/or a long hard struggle to get it back, with a major loss of influence. Not so when Wasp was in charge. She response was "to hell with this, lets beat the Masters at their own game" and devised a strategy to take the mansion back ASAP.

Also finally its worth noting, it is the Wasp who decided to call the team the Avengers. While the idea of teaming up wasnt her's, there wouldnt be any avengers without her.

#4

Hercules

When the avengers need the power of a God, more often than not (read more often than thor) this is who they call.

And its a good pick too, given that Hercules is basically the God of Strength. Sadly that strength comes at a "cost", as Herc has never seen much use for intellectual pursuits. In fact Herc spend most of his time between ancient greece and the present drinking and womanizing.

In fact that was one of his reasons for joining the avengers in the first place, he got kicked off Olympus and they had the best beer, access to women....and on occasion he could even fight when he got bored.

Not shockingly Herc was a bit of a chauvinist when he first joined the team. In fact when the masters of evil took avengers mansion as mentioned above, he was the sole avenger unwilling to listen to the wasp, because she was a woman.  And he was promptly beaten into a coma by the Masters. Upon awakening he kinda realized maybe he was wrong and that was the end of his chauvinism.

Instead he's kinda become a lovable buffoon, ignorant of the ways of the modern world, but gentle and caring about all, with a passion and respect for regular humans.

Unless you piss him off, at which point he will literally knock your head off.

#3

Jennifer Walters. She-Hulk

So despite what youve seen in the Movies, the Hulk really really isnt a team player. In fact despite founding the team in 1963, up until 2012 to correspond with the movie, Hulk spend more time as an avengers villain than an avenger.

But not to fear, because earth's mightiest heroes always had the power of a Hulk just a phone call away, in the form of Bruce's much more people friendly cousin Jennifer.

And heres the thing, She-Hulk isnt just a powerhouse, unlike her cousin, she maintains control of her human personality in hulk form, and Jennifer Walters is a Harvard educated lawyer.

So She-Hulk can kick your ass, then prosecute you afterwords for the property damage caused by your ass kicking. In fact shes proven she can go punch for punch with guys like Hercules, Namor, Luke Cage and Thor, while also matching wits with Tony Stark. the Black Panther and even Reed Richards.

Name me another hero who can do that? her cousin maybe....but even he would have to pick one, brains or brawn.

Shes also ground breaking in that she was one of the first avengers to openly practice causal sex (back in the 70's/80's)....and trust me none of her teammates were stupid enough to say anything about it (or shed have punched them clear out of circulation).

And on a personal note, her love-hate/semi sibling banter with Hawkeye anytime they are both on the same team are some of the best snarky moments in the Avengers comics.  

  

Brains, Brawn and Beauty all in one package, the best thing about She-Hulk as far as Avengers foes are concerned is that shes a one of a kind. 

#2

Hank Pym. Ant Man/Giant Man/Goliath/Yellowjacket/Dr Pym/Wasp II/Ultron.

The avengers resident expert in identity crisis' Hank Pym is also one of their most important members....although not always for the right reasons.

As Ant-Man he helped found the team.....but felt insecure and overmatched by Thor and Iron Man (both of whom he thought might steal his girlfriend Wasp) so he modified his powers to increase his size and power and became Giant-Man...and later Goliath, in order to "compete".....which eventually turned into a mental breakdown, that saw him become a villain, kidnap Jan, and force her to marry him. Granted he eventually recovered from his breakdown but started to lose his powers.....and as you might expect his marriage didnt last. He suffered a second breakdown and hit Jan, an action that got him kicked out of the avengers and black listed from the team he founded.

Years later he was able to convince the West Coast Avengers to take him in scientific adviser....a post he did well in.....well until he became victim of his lingering depression and tried to shoot himself in the head, becoming the only avenger to actual try to commit suicide, only as he put it "to fail at that too" when his teammate firebird stopped him.

Hank would spend the next couple years trying to get himself in order....and finally managed to do so after destroying avengers foe Ultron.....a foe he himself had created years ago, and as you might have guessed from the fact he's the villain in the upcoming movie, one of the avengers biggest and most persistent foes.

Oh and did I mention the brain patterns Pym used to create Ultron were his own? So yea Ultron was basically just Hank Pym....without the human flaws (as pym saw it). No wonder dude had issues. Its also probibly worth noting that Ultron had kidnapped the body of Former avenger Wonderman to create the Vision....who later defected back to the avengers. So yea without Pym there would be no Vision.

It seemed like things were looking up after Ultron's death, Pym finally became leader of the mighty avengers, and even founded avengers academy to stop future avengers from repeating his mistakes. He also seemed to find love, this time with team mate Tigra.

And then Ultron came back from the dead, destabilized time itself, and eventually actually merged with Hank Pym, leaving his own teammates no choice but to kill him.

So yea, Hank Pym is far and away the most tragic of all avengers, but also one of the most central, having helped found the team, created their deadliest foe, but also one of their major allies/members (vision).

Finally at long last #1

Clint Barton. Hawkeye/Goliath II/Ronin II.

Yes I know Hawkeye is in the movie. Or at least there's a dude running around with a bow and arrow who is one time referred to as hawkeye. Thing is he has basically NOTHING in common with the comic book version. While all 5 other avengers (including Black Widow despite my issues with her) have most of their comic book personalities, the Hawkeye character really doesnt.  In fact as near as I can tell Hawkeye was basically an afterthought in the film an likely included because Marvel knew comic fans would be furious if he wasn't in it, but never really had a plan for him (hence why hes a villian for a lot of the film). So I'm basically going to pretend his not in the movie

So yea, what the movies need is the comic book version of Hawkeye. The guy with the eternal massive chip on his shoulder, the smart-ass, the disrespectful reformed chauvinist, who despite all of that, and despite having no powers to speak of (kinda) still manages to hold his own with Gods, Hulks, and all manner of other assorted oddities.

See when he first joined the team, Hawkeye, who up until then had been a villain, couldnt figure out why the Avengers wouldnt just hand leadership over to him. After all he once beat Iron Man. He had to be a better pick than some star spangled former icicle. And that was a legitimate beef that lasted years with Barton chaffing under Cap's leadership. In fact it lasted right up until Cap gave his spot to the Black Panther....at which point every time Panther referred to himself as Cap's replacement Hawk would tell him that he [panther] wasnt fit to tie caps boots.

Because it was never hated of cap, it was and had always been hero worship. Barton wanted to be Cap...but his own insecurity prevented it. In fact when cap died Barton was named his in his will as successor. Barton turned it down after 1 outing as cap, deciding he couldnt measure up.

Barton is also one of the only Avengers to leave the team due to an issue with how he saw the avengers acting. When the avengers decided the former villains the thunderbolts, couldn't possibly reform, Barton quit and jumped ship to the enemy....and reformed them. All because he alone of all the avengers thought they should get the same chance he did.

Oh and did I mention, Hawkeye DOES have superpowers? he stole Hank Pym's serum years ago and used it on himself to take over the role of Goliath, because he believed at the time he wasnt powerful enough to be a true avengers....and the thing is, he still has those powers to this day....he just doesnt use them that often, because he finally gained confidence in himself to become truly great as is.

And that confidence and the skills it brought him were noticed by his teammates. In fact when the avengers first decided to splinter off into multiple teams so as to be able to combat multiple threats effectively, Hawkeye was hand picked to lead that team (the west coast avengers) as he saw fit.  Years later, after captain america was killed, it was Barton (then calling himself Ronin) who stepped up to take over leadership of the New Avengers, and later after Cap returned from the dead, it was Hawkeye Cap handpicked to lead the second incarnation of the Secret Avengers.

Oh and as the final piece of proof of how central Hawkeye is to the comic avengers, (and should be to the movie ones) Hawkeye was once killed by his teammate the Scarlet Which. His death is considered the in-universe end of the original avengers and the team was disbanded and discontinued. although the New Avengers would be founded shortly after (using that name in-universe), no in universe team was considered just the "Avengers" without a modifier again for 6 years)  Even Captain America, Iron Man and Thor, generally considered the "big 3" of the avengers didnt get that honor.


So that wraps up the 10 greatest avengers not in the movie....with a small * :P.

By the way for those who are curious what the ranking would be if we included the movie avengers
1) Captain America
2) Hawkeye
3) Hank Pym
4) Iron Man

5) Scarlet Witch (of course depending on how shes used in the upcoming film I might need to put her on this list under the same exception I made for Hawkeye)
6) She Hulk

7) Hercules

8) Thor
9) Vision (again another possible addition under the "Hawkeye rule" depending on the movie)
10) Wasp

And just to fill out the count to cover everyone I used in this listing
11) Ms, Marvel
12) Spider-Man

13) Tigra

14) Black Panther

15) Quicksilver (again a possible "hawkeye rule" addition)
16) The Beast.
17) Luke Cage (who got screwed out of the #10 spot by the "hawkeye rule")
      

The top 10 avengers not in the movie part 1.

As I stated in my last blog, I'm kinda a huge comic book fan, especially marvel, and especially the avengers.

And then new movie opens in the US next weekend, and is already out overseas, so with that in mind, I want to do something I've been wanting to do for a long time (and again if you only read my blog for the politics, well this aint the post for you). And that is do a top 10 of my favorite avengers....or at least my favorite ones not in the movies.

So here we go.

#10

Hank McCoy. The Beast

Alright I can already hear the objections coming from the legions of causual comic fans, those who watched the 90's cartoon and people who have only seen the movies. "hey Moron, Beast is an X-Man not an avenger"

Now yes, Beast was a founding member of the X-men, but it should be noted left that team following their reboot/relaunch in the early 70's. At which point he mutated from a regular human into the furry form seen above and used in most of his media appearances.....and joined the Avengers, in 1975. Where he would stay until 1981, one of the longest uninterrupted stints of an avenger in history.

Now what makes Beast worthy of this spot though isnt his length of service, but the character he brought to the team.  Originally seen as the brawn of the original x-men and later the Brain of all X-men, neither of those traits really stood on on a team that includes brains like Iron Man, Giant Man, and Vision, or the brawn of Thor, Iron Man, Wonder Man, Ms Marvel, ect.

So while still maintaining his strength and brains, Beast let his sense of humor shine though, and basically became the teams unofficial morale officer, the guy who no matter what the situation always had a wise ass comment ready to fly. Although this created some conflict with teammates who thought this meant he didnt take the job seriously, they all eventually realized the role he was serving and how he was helping keep the team focused on the task at hand and optimistic no matter how bad things looked.

And while for 3 decades Beast was the only X-man turned Avengers, he was the trail blazer who proved that could work (both in universe and to the leadership accepting the idea), so he lead the way for Wolverine, Storm, Cannonball, Sunspot, Sunfire Havok and Rouge to eventually join the team in the last decade and a half (admittedly a lot of them didnt work as well as beast)

And, in the last decade, Beast returned to the team, serving in two different teams of "not publicly acknowledged teams of avengers" the  black ops secret avengers (in which he was the teams brains) and as the mutant representative on the avenger off shoot (and team whos existance is hidden from even the other avengers) team the Illuminati.

Granted in my opinion, hes no where near as good in either of these stints as he was in the 70's, as secrecy doesn't really go well with his character, so hopefully he gets another run on the main team someday, but he still gets the number 10 slot      

#9

T'Challa. The Black Panther.

Handpicked by Captain America to take cap's own spot on the team, T'Challa's been a bit of a controversial member of the team. First his repeated reminders his "replaced captain america" tended to piss off other members....and it turned out he only joined the team to spy on them for his home country (which he's also ruler of) and stop the team from becoming a threat.

But at the same time he's also proven invaluable to the team, and they still call on him to this day. Not only is he a mental genius on tony stark's level, he's got at least as much money as stark. So he's actually proven quite useful any time stark isnt around. And as a foreign head of state he's provided the team sanctuary a few times when they havnt gotten along so well with US law.

Of course his lasting contribution to the team, he's the inventor of the Quinjet, the avengers signature mode of transportation.

And in the real world, he's historic, having been the teams first African (although not american) member, when he joined the team in 1968. It should also be noted that unlike in the picture above, the costume he was wearing at the time showed some skin, so his race served to generate in comic storylines and issues as well.

Finally, just as a piece of trivia, his debut predates that of the real world black panther party, so the name similarity was just an unfortunate fluke for Marvel (they tried and failed at one point to rebrand him the Black Leopard to seperate themselves from the Panthers)

#8

Greer Nelson. Tigra

    

Alright, so I'll admit that costume is somewhat indefensible as anything other than an appeal to tits and ass, Yet actually, in universe, it actually fits tigra perfectly.

So the story of tigra is one of the most unique of all the avengers. She is the first avenger to quit the team because she was a failure (according to her). This despite the fact that she alone had just saved the avengers from a foe that had just beating Thor, Iron Man, Captain America and the Wasp....because she tried talking to him and figuring out what it wanted instead of out right fighting it.

Problem was, she later admitted her desire to talk havnt been a stoke of genius, as much as motivated by fear since she already assumed she wouldnt be able to beat the guy. Course the other avengers still said fear or not that never would have occurred to them, and tried to make her see how great shed done but it didnt work. She also happened to be first person other than the teams founders to be trusted with the secret identities of Thor and Iron Man.

So yea, she quit due to insecurity over her role. Luckily for her the other avengers didnt let her go peacefully into that good night, and she was eventually recruited her as a founding member of their west coast team, a role she stayed in for most of the next decade.

At which point discovered tigra had a bit of a hulk problem.....that is to say she had two different personalities, one in her human form, and one in her powered form. And that her powered form liked doing things that her human form found humiliating (like the costume for example. Her tigra form loved it, because it was so revealing and because her conservative human form hated it). Finally things got resolved, which also finally allowed tigra to overcome her original insecurity about not pulling her weight on the team.

Eventually Tigra would actually move beyond the role of superhero in the role of teacher/trainer, figuring that her experiences of not feeling like a real avenger would best be shared with new team members, so they wouldnt make the same mistakes she did of walking away and letting her insecurities get the best of her. So yea, despite not having served on the front lines in over a decade, Tigra has still found her own way to be a valuable team member.  

#7

Peter Parker. Spider Man

Spider-Man was one of the first heroes the Avengers tried to recruit when they wanted to expand their roster in the last 60's. He said no.

In fact he would go on to say no for the next 30 years. he finally agreed to join the team in 1990....at which point he was promptly kicked off the team for not being that great at teamwork after one outing. Which was exactly the reason he claimed he had been turning them down for 3 decades. So perhaps that was intentional?

15 years later, he'd join the team again, and this time for real, following the events that lead to the end of the original team and the assembling of the new avengers. Of course, like Beast before him, he wasnt exactly top of the class in brains or brawn any more, so he too took the the unofficial morale officer role, especially when half the avengers (him included) were forced underground by the US government.

Parker, along with Luke Cage, was also instrumental in defining the focus of the New Avengers (as opposed to the old ones) as being about helping the little guy/the every man, and not just looking only at galactic level problems all the time.   In fact when the New Avengers eventually folded, Parker would join Cage's earth based/focused Mighty Avengers as well (although also kept his membership on the main team so he can help out with galactic issues as well)

Very few people have been able to rebrand what the Avengers do. Spider-man and cage being the only two. This spot went to Parker though, due to him having spend decades as the famous example of how not every hero should be an avenger....before managing to be a great avenger anyways, something that doesnt apply to Cage.

#6

Carol Danvers. Ms Marvel/Binary/Warbird/Captain Marvel

So I try real hard not to hold it against a character when a single author puts them in a bad story line, but otherwise the character is pretty good. But thats really hard to do with Ms. Marvel, partly because it was her introduction to the team.

So basically here's Ms Marvel's introduction to the avengers. She gets raped, impregnated by her rapist and mind controlled into leaving our reality to go marry him. Oh and the reaction to the rest of her team "oh yay! you found love and your having a baby, great." Like NO ONE even noticed or cared that she might be mind controlled and had definitely been raped (for full details click this link to the "rape of ms. marvel" essay by Carol Strickland, one of the biggest anti comic tirades in decades (and justifiably so)).

So yea, given that that happened, why in the fucks name would Ms Marvel EVER want to come back to the avengers?

They've never really answered that and I think that kinda hurts her character.

The best they did was have her have her identity (and powers) stolen by Rogue, which cost her her memories. Except that she got those back (although without an emotional connection to them) prior to rejoining the team.

And by the way, that rejoining doesnt go so well. Because it turns out between getting physically and mentally raped (her word for what rouge did) shes kinda become an alcoholic. So yea she gets booted off the team for basically being drunk while having the power of a nuclear reactor and using it to kill bad guys.

And yet....soon shes back for attempt 3. Now admittedly this time around she gets to lead the team....except not really cause Iron Man keeps overruling her and she eventually leaves during marvel's civil war to join the avengers on the other side. And well since then shes been a constant member of the team.

And the thing is, despite all the above, shes actually a really good member. Shes arguably the single most powerful avenger, given that her strength is on par with thor, and she flys....and unlike anyone else, if hit by an energy projection, it just powers her up even farther and she can shoot it back out as well. Plus shes got the whole "early danger sense" similar to spiderman. In short, shes a one woman team, what she lacks is the confidence and strategic thinking to make the most of her abilities. (some of her best moments rely on her suddenly realizing to her self....oh wait shit I can do *this*)

And honestly thats what makes her a great avenger. The greatest avengers either have the power (thor, Ms Marvel, Hulk ect) but not the confidence to use it, or have a shit ton of confidence (hawkeye, cap, spider-man, beast) but happen to be a bit underpowered.

In other words all the best avengers are out to prove themselves someway, and in Carol Danvers case, she just wants to prove she belongs as an equal, which is a refreshing change as many avengers are out to prove they are the best at something.

Next time out, we will do the 5 characters who really really really need to be in an avengers movie soon (although spoiler, at least 2 of them, like Ms Danvers, have a movie coming up, so avengers 3 might look good.)    

Penis-vengers Assemble,

Alright so you might have noticed if your my one regular reader (and if so Hi Mom! :P) that when I dont do a blog about politics I do it about comics. Because I'm kinda obsessed with them, I even did my undergraduate thesis about them.  And out of all comics I'm a HUGE marvel fan.

And yea, unless youve been under a rock, youve probably seen the new Avengers promotional mateiral, since the second avengers movie is about a week away.

Now of course if you have seen the promotional material you might have noticed something....a couple of characters seem to be missing.

See for example, if you go to the Marvel website and look up "age of ultron" you see a lot of stuff that looks like this

Hulk, Iron Man, Thor, Captain America

And well a lot of people are quick to point out, someone is missing.

The Black Widow

At which point they tend to rail on Marvel for sexism.

And well it seems they have a point. If you go the official marvel website and search "avengers: age of ultron"  of the 53 items that come up, Black Widow is featured only on 4 of them.

So yea, thats a bit problematic. Now of course Marvel's explanation usually points out that all 4 of the normally featured characters have had feature films released about them (3 in the case of Iron man, 2 each for Cap and Thor), and Black Widow hasnt.

Plus its not like shes the only not new character in movie they are ignoring

Hey, Hi, Remember me? Please......

Of those 53 items mentioned above Hawkeye is featured on 1. Or roughly 300% less than Black Widow

Of course the counterpoint is Black Widow has actually BEEN in 3 films (Iron Man 2, Avengers and Captain America 2) where as Hawkeye has basically been in 1 (barring a 3 second cameo in thor) and was a villain for half of it. So yea it might make sense to feature her a bit more that him


However also worth noting that Hulk, whos on fucking everything, has only been featured in 2 films, and Thor and Cap tie Black Widow at 3 (again excluding a 30 second cameo by cap)

So with all that in mind, is not promoting the Black Widow as much as the other 4 (sorry Hawkeye) sexist?

Actually, my ruling is no.

At least not directly.

So, for those who know me IRL, they probably know I am not, nor have I ever been the biggest fan of Black Widow as an Avenger (in the comics).

It turns out that carries over to the movies too (although not all the reasons are her fault per say).

What I'm getting at is Black Widow kinda sucks, shes not really an A list character. Shes more of a C lister, and played as such in most cases.

In fact the only reason people get mad about her not getting top 4 level billing (and not giving a fuck about Hawkeye not getting the same level billing), is because of the one and only thing she brings to the table that no one else does.....boobs.

Like thats it. Because she is the ONLY female character in the avengers, people want her to get equal billing.

Because done right, thats the way it should be. You should be as likely to have a total bad ass woman as a man/equally deep and developed characters/ect

And had marvel bothered to do that, then maybe the complaints would be justified.

However as it stands, I take the opposite approach, I think the Black Widow is actually OVER pushed because she is literally the only woman marvel has (on the big screen anyways).

Seriously name me 1 thing she did in the avengers movie that couldnt have been done by Phil Coulson, or Melinda May (from agents of shield)?

There really isnt anything. She just happened to be there instead of them. Thats really her contribution, happening to be there while looking good in a catsuit. In fact she got all the way through Iron Man 2 without ever actually mentioning her super hero name......

And while she had her total badass moment in the Avengers movie (when being interrogated/interrogating the russian), again that scene would have worked just as believably with pretty much any other character in that spot.

Not so much with memorable moments of the big 4. Hell even Hawkeye, who didnt really have a bad ass moment, at least looked pretty flashy with his weapon.

Which is another key point (and this is more to do with writing than an actual problem with the actress or character)  

So if I asked you to name the avengers weapons the answer would look something like this
Cap: Shield
Thor: Hammer
Iron Man: Armor
Hawkeye: Bow and Arrows
Hulk: Hulk (fists)
Black Widow: um.....err......well......pistol's?

And as it turns out, youd be wrong on that last one.

The correct answer is Widow's Bite (although its never named)

or basically this thing:

Wait what? but I saw the movie in IMAX and never saw that.

Of course you didnt. Because it was used only three times in the movie for about 6 seconds.

Dont believe me?

First appearance (4 second mark):

And final appearance: (22-25 second mark) 

 

You saw that right? in the background? Oh and of course by the time it comes for the Team Bad Ass pose, whats Widow doing? reloading her gun.....(i cant find footage of appearance #2, but its the same idea as this one....its in the background)

Now while she is redeemed quite a bit in the second captain america (check out the extra attention they gave to draw your eye to her widows bite as an example), that cant really change the fact that for her first two appearances she was treated as boobs in latex, not really a full character worth promoting. 

Of course, while that does kinda explain why Marvel's  not bothering to promote her (she aint worth it/istn treated as a a lister), it doesnt excuse the real problem.....in that this was no accident. 

As I pointed out above, Widow has a pretty cool weapon, just like the boys, and never used it. 

But it goes beyond that in that she was I believe, intentionally picked because she could be reduced to tits and ass with a gun. 

Consider. of the Avengers in the Movie, 3 of them founded the team (appeared in Issue 1): Thor, Hulk and Iron Man. Cap joined in issue 4, Hawkeye in issue 16. So all basically in the first year and a half of the franchise. (1963-1965)

Black Widow on the other hand officially joined at the end Avengers 119.....as a reserve (read not featured member)  and quit in the opening pages of Avengers 120 in 1979. Wasn't seen again until she rejoined in 1978, lasted 4 issues, disappeared for 4 more, then returned to quit again. Didnt actually get a long run on the team until 1991.

In otherwords shes a johnny-come-lately compared to the others, and even later if you count only when she became a full team member. 

Shes also not exactly the most significant female team member, the 60's had the Wasp and Scarelt Witch, prominetly featured, the 70's the Wasp, Scarlet Witch, Mantis, Moondragon. The 80's Wasp, Witch, She-Hulk, Tigra, Spider Woman II, Captain Marvel (Rambeau) and Mockingbird. the 90's had Wasp, Witch, She Hulk, Crystal, Firestar, Serei, Captain Marvel (Danvers), Spider Woman I and finally the Widow. 2000's had Spider Woman I, Danvers, Jessica Jones, She-Hulk and Tigra. 2010's so far has Witch, Spider Woman I, She Hulk, Danvers, and Rogue (now keep in mind this a list of female characters who got major attention, not just female characters on the team)

Now as you'll note a lot of those names come up more than once (Wasp, Witch, She-Hulk, Tigra, Captain Marvel (Danvers) Spider Woman I mostly).

Set somehow despite that Marvel went with a C-lister from 20 years ago (although to be fair they had a trademark issue with Scarlet Witch (but not spider-woman who is totally separate from spider-man), and a redundancy issue with She Hulk.

Now I suppose Marvel could claim "well she was team leader at one point so thats significant", which is true. But again looking only at Women so were Wasp, both Captain Marvel's, Scarlet Witch  and Rogue (currently). And well, Black Widow is the only team leader in history to be so poorly recieved by the public that the comic was legit cancelled and rebooted following months of debate in the letter pages over if she was actually leader or not, and the writing team didnt even try to come up with an in universe explanation that made sense (still havnt by the way).

You'll notice by the way, a LOT of the same names came up, as came up last time Wasp, Witch, Captain Marvel.

So again, why did they go with Widow? Well, because shes the only one whos powers you can basically reduce to "has gun will shoot", and not be too badly screamed at. Partly because Widow's powers anrt that impressive (her Widows bite is basically it, plus some agility, although it should be noted in the comics the Bite has stun darts and a repelling line and a few other options) and partly because I've yet to run across any fans of Black Widows run in the avengers (as opposed to daredevil) from prior of the original avengers movie, so no one cared anyways.

In otherwords she was perfect for what marvel needed. A way to get a female character into the movie cheaply (no special effects needed), and one who could basically be handled with minimal effort, do nothing, look hot as hell, and generate no complaints on how she was used (her few fans seeing her inclusion as a major elevation (and it was) and therefore blind to the sexist reasons being it)

So like I said, the fact that marvel isnt promoting Black Widow isnt really a problem for me. I see nothing there worth promoting,

To me the bigger problem is that they thought they could get away with passing off a leather clad pair of tits as a major character, and that we, the american public, more or less let them get away with it.

However to end this blog on a high note, it should in all fairness be noted that since Black Widows movie debut Marvel has gotten a lot better. For starters the portrayal and actual attempt to show a valuable skill set for the Black Widow in Captain America 2, shows some attempt to salvage the character (too late in my opinion), and the major attention and character given to the Characters of Mockingbird and Quake (another comic avenger) Melinda May (kinda), and Agent Carter and the upcoming female led Captain Marvel movie (and hopefully the portrayal and usage of the Scarlet Witch in Avengers 2) show good hope for a legit a-list female super hero soon. (my money is on Captain Marvel, especially with the comics seeming to try to push her to the top of the pile as well)


Also, one last favor. if your going to reply, no avengers 2 spoilers please.....